Best friend’s boyfriend was abusive to me. Should I forgive?

[SalIy]

My best friend has a pretty toxic relationship with her DP and recently cheated on him. When he found out he started messaging me all kinds of abuse, seemingly blaming me for her being unfaithful. I did know she was having an affair but I didn’t think it was my place to tell him, which some people may judge me for. I hated that my friend was having an affair, and told her it was a bad idea but I didn’t feel I could stop her.

Anyway, when he found out he sent me a torrent of abusive messages in which he called me all names under the sun f**g btch, whore, stupid cow etc. I just let him get on with it and did not retaliate.

My best friend got back together with him and is now expecting me to act as if nothing has happened. She’s invited me for dinner with him but I’ve told her I don’t want to be around him. I don’t think they are going to be together for much longer anyway.

AIBU? Or should I forgive him and accept he said those things in extreme upset and anger?

I wouldnt have anything to do with him, does your friend know he sent you messages, have you blocked him now.

I would leave them to it.

He pretty much blamed you for her behaviour, she let you take the brunt of it, and now they are all loved up again they expect you to follow suit.

Of course you shouldn’t forgive this kind of behaviour.

No I think you're right to avoid him. If he'd contacted you to apologise then just maybe... but he's been highly abusive. And hasn't apologised. Plus it's weird that he blamed you

Avoid both of them

No. If you go you are sending the message that you will tolerate that kind of behaviour and it is in some way acceptable. It isn’t. Leave them to it and be there for your friend when it all blows up again.

I'd have nothing to do with him. She shouldn't be either.

You can't hold your friend accountable for his behaviour, but you are definitely allowed to avoid him.

Don’t tolerate that shit, she shouldn’t have cheated but that’s not down to you.

Is he asking you directly for forgiveness?

Nope.

If someone outside of a relationship with a friend behaved that way toward me I wouldn't associate with them in any way – no need for it to be different because of your friend's choice to get back with him.

It doesn't have to affect your friendship with your friend, but I wouldn't go near him unless and until I received a genuine and heartfelt apology, which I don't imagine you're likely to get.

You don't owe anyone your forgiveness,especially not someone who has been abusive to you.
You can see your friend out, at your house etc.

However, do you think it's possible your friend did blame you in some way for the affair or used you as an excuse when she'd meet the other man or made you lie for her? In which case, I'd reconsider the friendship with her too.

@ldontWanna

You don't owe anyone your forgiveness,especially not someone who has been abusive to you. You can see your friend out, at your house etc.

However, do you think it's possible your friend did blame you in some way for the affair or used you as an excuse when she'd meet the other man or made you lie for her? In which case, I'd reconsider the friendship with her too.

100% this

Have nothing to do with him. What a total twat

report the messages to the police if you feel threatened?
I would only see the friend on her own - but if she's aware of the messages and chooses to ignore and expects you to, I'd probably give her a wide berth; she clearly has little respect for you - but let her know I was there if she leaves and needs assistance.

If you have any sense whatsoever you'll cut both of them out of your life. Permanently.

She’s not a very good friend is she?

@SalIy

My best friend has a pretty toxic relationship with her DP and recently cheated on him. When he found out he started messaging me all kinds of abuse, seemingly blaming me for her being unfaithful. I did know she was having an affair but I didn’t think it was my place to tell him, which some people may judge me for. I hated that my friend was having an affair, and told her it was a bad idea but I didn’t feel I could stop her.

Anyway, when he found out he sent me a torrent of abusive messages in which he called me all names under the sun f**g btch, whore, stupid cow etc. I just let him get on with it and did not retaliate.

My best friend got back together with him and is now expecting me to act as if nothing has happened. She’s invited me for dinner with him but I’ve told her I don’t want to be around him. I don’t think they are going to be together for much longer anyway.

AIBU? Or should I forgive him and accept he said those things in extreme upset and anger?

Forward her every abusive message and say good luck to you both, but it's a stretch to expect me to meet up with him and be pleasant, mate. At least understand that.

She sounds like a crap friend btw.

Christ, no - I wouldn't go anywhere near him. It's not your fault your friend cheated on him and it's absolutely vile that he sent you those messages, even while he was upset. It wasn't your place to tell him what your friend was doing (and it wasn't your friend's place to tell him that knew about it, either).

Your friend sounds like an idiot as well, to be fair. Why would she expect you to forgive him?

Absolutely not!
She's not much of a friend if she's condoning him being abusive to you which she is if she expects you to forgive and forget 🙄 no chance.

You are a nicer person than I am. I would have retaliated and he would have got it back ten-fold, followed by me sending all his abusive messages to my friend.

No way would I be meeting up with him. Hopefully she will bin him off soon.

Thanks everyone for your advice.

No, he has not apologised. He went through her text messages and saw messages in which I was not complimentary about him. My friend constantly complains about him in her text messages and I just agreed with her. I never encouraged the affair and actually said I thought it was gross of her to share her bed with two different men at the same time. Anyway, that is why he blames me. Her DP claims he had a “breakdown” and is not to blame for what he said.

She can be a pretty crap friend at times but she’s been my best friend since childhood and I am the godmother of her DD so I don’t want to lose the friendship. She has also been there for me at a moments notice when I’ve suffered a bereavement or have some other crap going on. She has always been one of my biggest cheerleaders and has inspired me to be more confident in myself.

On the other hand, I am pretty sick and tired of their toxic relationship which has been ongoing for the last 3 years. That being said, I think I would be a bad friend simply to abandon her to it. She has no family and I’m basically the closest thing to family she has.

I am going to put my foot down and say I don’t want to be around him.

She can be a pretty crap friend at times but she’s been my best friend since childhood and I am the godmother of her DD so I don’t want to lose the friendship.

The friendship is already over. She has chosen him.

@HellToTheNope Maybe. I do feel things are different now. She has no financial independence and relies on him entirely so I can see why she would find it difficult to leave him. She has also grown used to a certain lifestyle that there is no way she could have as a single mother.

Steer clear of them both, and let them either have a good,or bad time together., she must know that he is a foul mouthed nasty person.