to still not know if I’m gay a year in to a lesbian relationship?

[OhSOconfused123]

There are still times when the intensity of the same sex relationship I’m in feels all too much and I really miss being with my ex husband who whilst we didn’t have the intimacy I always wanted like I do with her, the calmness and almost getting along together without being each other’s whole entire world is something I miss.
I realise this sounds very odd and maybe it’s just a time of readjustment for me.
Anyone else been here?

Sorry, no direct experience of this.

My only comment would be that it'll be tricky to compare one woman to one man. Do you have a history or relationships with men and just one with a woman?

I have only dated women and they have never been intense/whole world (excluding one teen relationship!), however having not dated men I don't know how the sexes may compare. Age comes into it to.

That sounds like you have different views on what you want from a relationship rather than being particularly related to being same sex.

Sorry OP I didn't want to read and run. K have no experience but it strikes me that there is such a broad spectrum of sexual attraction that your choice of label isnt just gay versus straight anymore. Maybe you will feel a different category is more fitting. Or maybe you still aren't with the right person. It would make sense that you could find this out with either more dating and experimentation and/or some therapy to help you understand your feelings.

Is there a Mumsnet LGBTQ board where.pther posters might have more relevant experience or input?

It sounds like maybe your new partner is more intense than your exh - that is a personality thing rather than a gay thing. Maybe she’s just not quite right for you and another woman would be.

Are you sure it’s not just the relationship that you’re questioning? Maybe you should not be in a relationship until you make up your mind how you feel, as being in a relationship will make things even more confusing.

I have done the whole coming out after being married thing BTW. I felt like I was in a hurry to get into a relationship, whereas I probably would have been better off just waiting a bit until I’d acclimatised myself. I didn’t have any lingering doubts about my sexuality though.

Why label yourself? A friend of mine once had a year long relationship with a woman, she's only ever dated men before and since. She isn't a lesbian, she just fell for a woman at the time.

As PP said, maybe it's more a personality thing. Different people bring different things to the table regardless of gender.

What if you didn't need to decide exactly what your sexuality is right now? Would that help?

Do you want to be with your current partner? Are you happy in the relationship? That's a lot more important than what box you tick under Sexuality on a form.

The other thing that occurs to me on reading your post is whether the calmness of your relationship with your XH was symptomatic of a dysfunctional childhood in some way - whether strong feelings frighten you, and you hid in relationships with men to some extent because you didn't have strong feelings for them. Just a thought.

Does it matter how you label your sexuality?

Do you have a good relationship with this woman, does she make you happy? Maybe the relationship isn't right.

You are comparing people here, nothing to do with your sexuality.

I voted YABU because this has nothing to do with being gay or straight.
This has everything to do with "is this particular relationship right for you?"
And sounds like it isn't.

I think it's your relationship you're unsure about, not your sexuality.

You shouldn't ever be each other's entire worlds or if something goes wrong you're left with nothing.

Do you live together? Do you have any hobbies that don't involve her?

I'm a lesbian. I am certain that I'm only attracted to women. I've still had relationships with women that haven't worked out, just like straight women have relationships with men that don't work out.

I know there's a stereotype that lesbian relationships are very intense and fast-moving. Online I've seen jokes (mainly made by lesbians) about how lesbians all move in together after a week of dating, and things like that. But I've never met a lesbian couple who've actually done that! Not all lesbian relationships are like that at all. I do sometimes describe my wife as "my whole world" but we've been together for 10 years now. It wasn't like that from the beginning. And we do still have our own hobbies and friends. A relationship shouldn't feel suffocating, no matter who it's with.

If your relationship with your partner isn't working, you can end it. Not being the perfect match with one specific woman doesn't necessarily mean you're not a lesbian.

From what I've known of lesbians (ex best friend is one but was heterosexual before) and their relationships, once you know you're a lesbian that's it, you stick with women.

However, I have also known one woman who was heterosexual, had a few lesbian relationships and is now married and has 2 children by her male husband. I don't know her that well but when she spoke to me about this she said she'd thought she was happy in lesbian relationships but after a while didn't like the emotional drama and when a man asked her out (husband) she said yes and continued this. She did get backlash from some of the lesbian community though for this but she moved away.

Oh and as others have said, it sounds like a personality clash and not a sexual one.

I've had a relationship with a woman and it was full of drama and she was way too intense too early. I class myself as straight but I have had attraction to women so always assumed I was bisexual. But it took that relationship to realise I wasn't sexually attracted enough to women to put up with that.

Sounds like it’s more to do with the person than the gender. Is it something you can discuss with your partner or do you need something entirely different from you’re relationship?

From what I can tell from various late(r) in life lesbian groups I'm on online, it's very common for people who leave longstanding heterosexual relationships to feel very 'teenagery' suddenly with their first gay relationship, as people are doing all those firsts again, just later on in life. So lots of people describe very intense relationships and very intense feelings and emotions similar to when they were teens and first exploring relationships and attraction and so on.

This sounds like a relationship issue rather than a questioning sexuality one.
I'm assuming you were with your ex husband for a long time and being only a year into this relationship it's still fairly fresh and new so the intensity is bound to be bigger. Some people love the excitement and attention of the honeymoon period but it sounds like you've gotten to the part now where you're loosing the spark of that and starting to compare to what you used to have.

You being, or not being, gay is irrelevant here. This relationship is not for you. End it and take some time to get to know yourself.

Bisexual/pansexual lady here

I struggled with this. There was a strong narrative that for me that I was probably just dating women for attention surrounding discussions about gay people and I sort of absorbed that and on wobbly days think am I really gay or am I just trying to be edgy?

However I have a wife who I love, and also like having an intimate life with

I sort of put one foot in front of the other, and realised that I'm in a happy relationship (even if I do also fancy men)

Talking to straight people helped me realised that some people have very clear sexuality and couldn't think of anything less appealing then sleeping with a girl.

I think that helped me realised that my feelings of being unsure are actually part of my bi sexuality. Everything is a bit unclear for me because I don't have that clear pull to one side so don't really know what its like to have a clear unsexual feeling for a whole gender, and that fuziness is because I fancy both

Ultimately the wider context of sexuality doesn't matter if you fancy this one person, and like the relationship you are in. It doesn't matter if you fancy other people of either gender as long as you fancy the one you're in a relationship with

I've put YABU but in relation to your expectations on yourself and thinking that feelings for one or the other person must be to do with their sex not them as an individual. You need to decide if you want to be in this relationship with this person. It does not matter whether the current 'this person' is a man or a woman and you do not need to label yourself.

Thank you for all your replies.
Honestly I have nobody to talk to about this as lots of family and friends turned their back when I left my husband to be in this relationship.
I think I’ve struggled with what I had to give up to be with her which is all my own issues I know - I genuinely felt I loved them both but in such different ways and was pushed into a corner to make a decision.
I went with this because I felt I would never have caused so much hurt to him and my children if I wasn’t “ gay “ so I think that’s why I almost needed to label myself for it all to make sense so when it doesn’t it massively panics me.
I have never felt intimately compatible with men but I loved my husband deeply so it was all very messy.
Thank you for taking the time to reply x

I feel so worried all the time that I’m doing the right or wrong thing, it’s draining the life out of me

@OhSOconfused123

I feel so worried all the time that I’m doing the right or wrong thing, it’s draining the life out of me

That sounds like this relationship is at best, not right for you, but more likely that it's utterly toxic.

Try being single for a while, read up on abuse - as that isn't ever the sole preserve of men - and maybe you'll have a healthy relationship in the future, whatever the sex of your partner.