to still not know if I’m gay a year in to a lesbian relationship?

[OhSOconfused123]

There are still times when the intensity of the same sex relationship I’m in feels all too much and I really miss being with my ex husband who whilst we didn’t have the intimacy I always wanted like I do with her, the calmness and almost getting along together without being each other’s whole entire world is something I miss.
I realise this sounds very odd and maybe it’s just a time of readjustment for me.
Anyone else been here?

I am very deeply sexually attracted to women but when I was with one many moons ago the reality didn’t work. We are just messy complex beings as you’ve found yourself OP. Being in a relationship requires for me that on balance that the person is my favourite human and makes me feel good without that I think any relationship is likely to flounder.

It sounds to me as though you could do with some time not in any relationship.

I also think you need to be single for a while OP. My DD15 has told me she is a lesbian. As long as she is happy, I don’t care, it’s her life not mine but I have a feeling she’s not, I think she is an introverted and cautious individual who is gradual learning about her own personal boundaries and how to assert herself in a time when her sexuality is developing and it’s complicated to be a girl. I think she wants to develop strong boundaries but she doesn’t yet now how to “police” them but she knows where she feels safe and where she feels unsafe. Ultimately, she needs to find her own way and just because I have a view, it doesn’t mean it’s the right one - I just want to help make sure she is happy and comfortable. I think you need some space for yourself.

Maybe you are bisexual and not just gay?

It's highly possible that you're bisexual but I get that being gay makes the narrative more palatable.

I would try not to get too hung up on labelling yourself right now and focus on whether this relationship is right for you. Can you speak to her about how you're feeling (not the worries over your sexuality but about the intensity and how that makes you feel/ what you need).

Surely it doesn’t matter whether or not you’re a lesbian? It sounds like the differences you describe in both your relationships with your ex husband and current partner are not linked to whether they’re a man or a woman?

@OhSOconfused123

Thank you for all your replies. Honestly I have nobody to talk to about this as lots of family and friends turned their back when I left my husband to be in this relationship. I think I’ve struggled with what I had to give up to be with her which is all my own issues I know - I genuinely felt I loved them both but in such different ways and was pushed into a corner to make a decision. I went with this because I felt I would never have caused so much hurt to him and my children if I wasn’t “ gay “ so I think that’s why I almost needed to label myself for it all to make sense so when it doesn’t it massively panics me. I have never felt intimately compatible with men but I loved my husband deeply so it was all very messy. Thank you for taking the time to reply x

I left my marriage to be with a woman. We had an intense relationship exactly as you describe but broke up after the first year.

In hindsight I needed to separate from my husband because I knew he wasn't right for me but I didn't have an excuse and I felt I needed one.

But with that said I would never deny that I truly felt sexual desire & enjoyment with her. It was a passionate relationship. It wasn't just a technicality/excuse or pretending to be gay in any way, but now I'm single and haven't really considered dating women again. I think it's possible to hold both ideas at the same time: that your feelings/passion are real but also that they are influenced by your life situation. I think this is particularly true for women's sexuality, and the way it intertwines with the way we can form deep emotional connections together.

I don't think all of women's sexuality falls neatly into lesbian/bi/straight.

Unsure if this is true for you but maybe resonates in some way.

@OhSOconfused123

There are still times when the intensity of the same sex relationship I’m in feels all too much and I really miss being with my ex husband who whilst we didn’t have the intimacy I always wanted like I do with her, the calmness and almost getting along together without being each other’s whole entire world is something I miss. I realise this sounds very odd and maybe it’s just a time of readjustment for me. Anyone else been here?

I could have written this xx

I don’t think this is anything to do with being gay. This partner of different to your ex, all people are different. I think really you need to evaluate whether this relationship is offering what you want from a relationship. I think you could easily be in the same scenario with a male partner, so I don’t think the fact that you are both women is necessarily the cause.