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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to reduce the amount spent on birthdays for adult children

43 replies

passwordnotsecure · 23/03/2022 06:56

My eldest son is 21 and still at Uni (late starter). Up until now I have spent about £100 on his main birthday/christmas present with a few smaller presents. I'm aware that some people will spend a lot more on the main gift obvs) AIBU to reduce this now he's 21? Do people continue spending the same amount they did when their children were kids?

OP posts:
spotcheck · 23/03/2022 06:58

Can you afford it?

I find that when they hit that age, you can get them presents they really need, or will appreciate more

Do you have other kids? Are you stopping for all or just him?

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 23/03/2022 07:00

Itss personal decision. My DM.gets me something nice and something practical. (I've had things like a hoover, saucepans, food mixer, curtains etc). My parents disposable income is a lot higher than ours so like to help out but not expected.

Other people its the other way round or only buy for grandkids etc. Both scenarios are perfectly normal and acceptable.

PutinIsAWarCriminal · 23/03/2022 07:02

I think at least whilst he is in full time education you should spend the same on him as you do his siblings. If you can't afford £100, reduce what you spend for all of them.

HerbivorousRex · 23/03/2022 07:14

My parents continued spending around that amount whilst we were in full time education or training (obviously only if you can afford it), but once we were 18 we were usually given the money or a present that we’d chosen.
We stopped getting gifts from grandparents and aunts/uncles etc when we turned 18.

Now we’ve left full time education they usually take us out for lunch/afternoon tea and get us a small token gift (around £10-20). We do the same for them and it seems to work well.

Original poster
passwordnotsecure · 23/03/2022 07:19

His brother is 18 and also at uni. We don't any disposable income after that really but it would be unfair to have given him larger presents up til 21 and not his brother IYSWIM. It is usually money anyway at the moment. Unfortunately he frittered away a larger amount given him for his 21st (to buy a watch or something special) and spent it on going out and has nothing to show for it. It just seemed to be added to the beer kitty. It's not due to this that I'm wondering about the reduction. Do people generally continue spending the same large amounts on their adult children?

OP posts:
eldora · 23/03/2022 07:20

YANBU, I’m assuming all your dc are adults if you have them.

Totally fine to reduce the spend on adult dc.

I wonder how many of the posters above spend the same on their parents as they get.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 23/03/2022 07:25

@eldora

YANBU, I’m assuming all your dc are adults if you have them.

Totally fine to reduce the spend on adult dc.

I wonder how many of the posters above spend the same on their parents as they get.

Everyone spends more on their children than they do their parents, don't they?

I'm 31 and my mum still spends around £100 on me at my birthday and Christmas. I don't spend that much on her, because I'd rather spend more on DS. Likewise, when DS is an adult and potentially has children of his own I wouldn't expect him to spend £100s on me.

It's up to you OP anyway what you spend, I think I'll always enjoy treating my DS if I can though.

CookiesAndMilk97 · 23/03/2022 07:28

Yanbu, my parents stopped spending when I turned 18! If your son wants something he can work for it surely?

FlipFlops4Me · 23/03/2022 07:30

My DS is adult. I spend about £125 on him for Christmas and birthday presents, and likewise for my DIL who is very important to me and truly feels like a daughter of the family.

If I couldn't afford it I'd explain and drop the pressie level down to what I could afford. They wouldn't mind at all. But while I can still afford to spend that much on them, I will.

aSofaNearYou · 23/03/2022 07:31

Of course it's reasonable, you shouldn't even have to ask, it would have been reasonable at any point if that's what makes most sense for your finances.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 23/03/2022 07:32

We still spend as much, if not more on our adult dc. I think they need it more now with living costs and outgoings so high, than they did getting all the plastic tat etc when they were young.

Bdhntbis · 23/03/2022 07:32

I’m in my 30s and my mum still spends £100 on me at Christmas and birthday. She can afford it and I’m very grateful as at times it’s been the only way I’ve afforded to buy myself new clothes despite having a good job the costs of young kids has hit hard

modgepodge · 23/03/2022 07:34

Massively varies and is up to you 🤷‍♀️
My dad reduced to probably £50 (from £100ish) when I was about 25 or so, and buys my husband a token £10-15 gift. My PIL however still spend £100+ on my husband and also the same on me, and now our daughter! Both are very financially secure so it’s not a financial decision, just a personal one.

LadyGardenersQuestionTime · 23/03/2022 07:36

I give my adult kids £100ish each birthday and Christmas - they’re old enough to really appreciate it and if they spend it on socialising then that’s fine by me. I remember being a fairly skint young adult and having a bit of extra cash to have a decent social life was the best thing ever.

ComtesseDeSpair · 23/03/2022 07:39

If you can’t afford it then it’s not unreasonable at all. It’s entirely about your personal circumstances. My parents still give several hundred to thousands and I’m in my thirties. They can afford it and, I assume, see it as either being spread around now or subject to inheritance tax later on, they’re practical people.

crossstitchingnana · 23/03/2022 07:41

I reduced mine budget from about £100 to £40-50 when they turned 18. Also stop buying for nieces and nephews at 18. I did it because that's what happened for me. My Aunts and Uncles don't still send me a tenner. My parents give me about £25 for birthday, we no longer do gifts for adults.

To me it seems ridiculous to be spending a lot when they are adults. I will give my dd who is a student money when she needs it, buy a winter coat etc.

3Daddy31982 · 23/03/2022 07:42

Pp if your Mum spends £100 you spend similar...

Leah2005 · 23/03/2022 07:44

It's hard to switch off I think. My son was 22 this year and had less than previously. He had an electric shaver which he wanted (half price in boots) some underwear and a top. He was perfectly happy with that. He is also still at uni.

ufucoffee · 23/03/2022 07:46

I spend much more than that on my adult children. I didn't have much money when they were growing up so it gives me pleasure to do it now.

Innocenta · 23/03/2022 07:46

@Waxonwaxoff0 I probably spend more on my parents most years than they do on me! But I love to give them things; they've been so generous to me in the past.

Ponoka7 · 23/03/2022 07:48

My children were working at 21. I gave them around £50-£70. Now my youngest is 24 and it will be a token bottle(s) of something or cash, so about £30. My middle DD turned 26 and needed new headphones, they were £30. I paid for a takeaway together as well. So I'll stick to that. So I calculate that I'll need £50 spare. We stopped doing adult presents at Christmas.

allthegoodusernameshavegone · 23/03/2022 07:50

Tbh we never really went too mad on birthday or Christmas even when they were younger, neither did/does their DM (step kids), neither are very materialistic and apply the same to their own children. I guess we spend about £40 to £50 and about £30 on the DGC who are still very young. I don’t really see why you have to spend a lot at any age.

DorotheaHomeAlone · 23/03/2022 07:56

My mum spends more on us as adults than she did when we were kids. Her mum did the same for her. Both can afford it and we’re happy to help rather than see us struggling and broke when young adults. Now I’m older and financially secure she still spends more and enjoys ensuring I treat myself. I don’t spend the same but am thoughtful and generous in my gifts to her and very grateful.

It depends entirely on finances though. I wouldn’t take the gifts if I thought it would cause her my hardship at all.

As a side note, I don’t think there is anything wrong with a broke student using the money to have fun and go out. Those carefree years are very precious and I’d rather have had five nights out with my friends at uni than any watch.

RewildingAmbridge · 23/03/2022 07:57

Surely it just depends if you can afford it, PIL bought DH and I a joint present of a new log store for Christmas, very appreciated! We're mid thirties. My parents tent to spend around £100-£150 each on DH and I but both families are comfortable with few outgoings, mortgages paid off etc. We also spend similar on them. Grandparents aunts and uncles etc all stopped when we graduated and those who do buy now, buy only for DS. If it was out only disposable income we wouldn't be spending so much

Mermaidkisses · 23/03/2022 08:00

We have reduced all our children's birthday gifts to £30 each (much to the disgust of my soon to be 30 step son). Our youngest child is 26 and the oldest is 33 - there are 5 of them ( i have 2 hubby has 3). Stepson says his 30th is an important birthday, when did being 30 become an important birthday?

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