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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to reduce the amount spent on birthdays for adult children

43 replies

passwordnotsecure · 23/03/2022 06:56

My eldest son is 21 and still at Uni (late starter). Up until now I have spent about £100 on his main birthday/christmas present with a few smaller presents. I'm aware that some people will spend a lot more on the main gift obvs) AIBU to reduce this now he's 21? Do people continue spending the same amount they did when their children were kids?

OP posts:
FlipFlops4Me · 23/03/2022 08:00

@eldora

YANBU, I’m assuming all your dc are adults if you have them.

Totally fine to reduce the spend on adult dc.

I wonder how many of the posters above spend the same on their parents as they get.

I don't have any parents left. But yes, yes I did budget the same for all while I still had them. Same as I spend the same on my DSis because she hasn't anyone else to buy her a present.
Christinatherabbit · 23/03/2022 08:10

Surely it entirely depends on finances? I spend less on my adult son than his younger sisters but still around £100/£150 as that's what is in my budget. If ever that changes I will adjust accordingly and he will understand

dottydodah · 23/03/2022 08:25

We usually give this amount to our two ( early twenties) If at Uni they will need the cash for sure! I think that if you can afford it its fine .If not cut back a little

Kitkat151 · 23/03/2022 08:34

It’s fine if you can afford it....but fine not to if you don’t want to or can’t afford to.....I spend about £100 on my 3 adult child..and roughly the same on the 3 GC but I wouldn’t if I didn’t have it....or it would leave me short

CharSiu · 23/03/2022 08:36

Sounds like you were annoyed he spent his money on going out rather than an object. As soon as you give something to someone it’s theirs to do with as they choose, as hard as that may be.

My DS is the same age as yours but working. I had a drawing commissioned for him for his 21st as well as other stuff, It was more than £100. I think look to your own finances, it’s what’s affordable isn’t it. There is no right or wrong.

Kitkat151 · 23/03/2022 08:37

@eldora

YANBU, I’m assuming all your dc are adults if you have them.

Totally fine to reduce the spend on adult dc.

I wonder how many of the posters above spend the same on their parents as they get.

It will always depend on family circumstances won’t it.....I spend about 50 on my mum and 100 on kids and GC ....my mums 85....she has everything she needs and wants ....a beautiful home and thousands in the bank....she doesn’t even want us to spend 50 on her.
gogohm · 23/03/2022 08:38

It's down to how much money you have and attitude. I still buy mine presents, my mum still buys me presents!

caringcarer · 23/03/2022 08:51

When my children were little I could not afford to give them expensive gifts. They were always happy with what they had and got gifts from Grandparents and Aunty and Uncles too. Now they are grown up I can afford a lot more. I tell them to pick something and send me a link for birthday/Xmas about £100-£150 but I still either treat them to a meal out or a takeaway if they prefer. I have been able to be generous with nieces and nephews too but only because salary much higher now. There is no right amount. Everyone gives what they can afford. Do not get into debt for gifting though. I tend to focus less on birthdays and Xmas and just offer a bit of cash if I think they need it.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 23/03/2022 09:14

@CookiesAndMilk97

Yanbu, my parents stopped spending when I turned 18! If your son wants something he can work for it surely?
What a weird take. So as soon as somebody works they should never be bought a gift again?

I can't imagine no longer wanting to treat my child on his birthday when he starts work, regardless of whether he can buy his own stuff. It's still nice to buy for people if you can afford to.

PugInTheHouse · 23/03/2022 09:23

My parents have reduced what they spend on us all since we have had children. They used to spend lots more when we were kids then from about 18 they would spend £100 each on us and our long term partners, then when we had kids (also they retired at a similar time) they now spend £40 on each of us including for each GC. We probably spend about 30-40 on each of them (but from us and DCs not separate presents from DCs)

I would say it's normal to reduce spend on adult DCs once out of full time education. I probably would wait till after uni though. My eldest DS is 16 and he saves birthday and Xmas money separately so never spends it on going out though, I'm not sure how I'd feel about that to be honest.

RagzRebooted · 23/03/2022 09:26

I stopped getting presents from my parents at 18. Occasionally something for a big birthday. DH's family all had a £10/15 limit for presents.

MrsSkylerWhite · 23/03/2022 09:28

It’s difficult, isn’t it?

We took our eldest having their own child as the cue to reduce spending on them. Not helpful, of course, if they never do 😁

QuizzlyBear · 23/03/2022 09:40

My parents set a limit of £50 in 1988 for birthday and Christmas gifts for myself and my brothers.

It's still £50.

I get that they now have grandkids and daughter/son in laws to buy for, but it does make me laugh that they seem to assume you can still get as much for £50 as you could in the 1980s!

My in-laws on the other hand, give my DH £500 or so for birthday / Christmas. Cash in an envelope. Very transactional.

I think we'll be somewhere in the middle. My eldest is going to university (hopefully!) this year and he'll get the same treatment he always has while he's there.

HorseInTheHouse · 23/03/2022 09:45

I'm in my 30s with kids of my own and I don't get a birthday present from my parents every year anymore. Some years they ask me if I want anything and if I can't really think of anything and we aren't going to see each other round that time (we live in different countries) we just leave it. Same with my brother, also in his 30s.

21 is just barely an adult, though. I think at that age you are often still very focused on your parents and siblings, unlikely to have started your own family yet, maybe even still think of your parents' house as 'home' and don't have that adult to adult relationship with your parents quite yet. It is probably too soon to stop making a fuss about birthdays, but to reduce the spending a little seems fine.

winnieanddaisy · 23/03/2022 12:17

Spend about £75 on my AC and their other halves for birthdays except this year for my DS in law who has a significant birthday next week and I've spent around £650 but that's a one off .
They all get around £100 spent on them for Christmas . Same goes for my 5 DGC . The next couple of years will be a bit more expensive cos 4 of my DGC becoming 18, and I'll spend a bit more on them .

LindaEllen · 23/03/2022 12:54

My parents gradually went to buying me less as I got older - I earn money so if there's anything I want, I can just get it. So now, my mum will do me a nice goodie bag of things like chocs, bath things, PJs etc - basically a self care bag, things that I might not always think to get installed. I'd prefer that, than have them spending for the sake of spending.

ThenAgainMaybeIWont · 23/03/2022 13:46

My eldest is 23. I spend more than ever really. Don't think it matters does it, if you can afford it? Obviously it's a different ball park if you can't.

JaceLancs · 23/03/2022 14:09

My adult DC are 29 and 30
I spend around £150 each and also provide food and drink for some kind of gathering

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