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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mil fall out

41 replies

Mummyof2uk · 22/03/2022 23:17

Aibu over the last months I have noticed more and more my mil making comments and my dh doesn't seem to notice I went round this weekend and his niece tapped my arm I looked down and was shouted at oi she was talking to you I jumped and apologised and then felt myself getting really upset I hadn't ment to ignore anyone I feel so upset dh didn't say anything and ended up crying on the way home he told her to apologise and she then started on the why is she doing this to me and she is driving a wedge between us act I have now somehow got the blame she was saying all sorts about my children and lies about me and he is the peace keeper and wants it all sorting but she has now made me feel so uncomfortable that I never want to go round again but we are getting married in 4 months and I am so stressed about it all I keeps saying to him if it was my family talking to or about you in this way I would tell them were to go but she turns on the waterworks and makes him feel so guilty for sticking up for me he feels caught in the middle and now doesn't know what to do about mothers day I said I won't be going but don't want to tell him what to do I feel if he goes alone then its saying to her its fine how she has treated me and the kids but I don't know if I am being unreasonable here I feel really hurt by it all as I have only ever been sweet and polite and so have my children who she point blank calls rude to there faces tia x

OP posts:
Original poster
Mummyof2uk · 22/03/2022 23:21

Also if he ever touches me infront of her she literally says stop getting distracted by her and pay me attention 🤯 it's a very strange and jelous feeling and I am always referred to as she but if anyone does that to her she says who's she the cats mother, ie why has she not bought her own jumper don't give her yours if ever I am cold he will give me his jumper she hates this 😞

OP posts:
Womencanlift · 22/03/2022 23:24

Are you married already as you say DH but then you say you are getting married?

If still to get married then I would be seriously reconsidering. If your partner can’t shut this down now it is only going to get worse

Saying that you do sound quite passive and I would be calling out her behaviour. Not great for your kids to see someone treat you this way

Theblacksheepandme · 22/03/2022 23:27

If your partner is allowing this to happen then I would reconsider marrying him. This situation is only going to get worse.

isitbedtimex · 22/03/2022 23:27

I'm sorry, I started reading this but the lack of punctuation is making it hard!

My MIL is a bitch too though, so I feel your pain x

Ponoka7 · 22/03/2022 23:30

How long have you been together? It's the insults towards your children which would be my concern. I don't think that he should ignore Mother's day. You aren't obligated to attend, spend the day with your children. How often do you see her?

Notimeforaname · 22/03/2022 23:32

Not one full stop there at all. It was very difficult to stay focused on.

Look up going 'grey rock' if you're not familiar with it.
Just engage as little as possible.

Merryoldgoat · 22/03/2022 23:41

Why would you marry into this shit show? Your life will be drama and nonsense whilst you’re with him.

Take heed and think of it as a lucky escape

Original poster
Mummyof2uk · 22/03/2022 23:44

Sorry its my first post on here, I rambled alot I ment dp we are getting married in July, she never has mad an effort to get to know my children and I have stuck up for them but I bite my tongue when it comes to me untill she really blatantly lied and said that I am trying to ruin there family, when I only said I don't like being spoken to like that she is good at gaslighting and turning everything round to make herself the victim and I think she has all his life made him feel guilty for saying anything to her because then that means that your bullying her. I said he needs to step up and stick up for us he said I agree but you have to take her with a pinch of salt can we not just move forward and this makes me really concerned for the future.

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Original poster
Mummyof2uk · 22/03/2022 23:48

We have been together for 2 years he is wonderful with the children just so passive when it comes to his mum, which I said is fine for you but not for me or them as like you say I don't want them seeing that as acceptable.

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eldora · 22/03/2022 23:59

You can’t stop him seeing his own mum on Mother’s Day. The fact that you don’t even want him to go on his own is strange, she’s his mum.

What has she said about you and your kids? It does sound like you were a bit dramatic. Why were you crying just because MIL said niece was talking to you?

Original poster
Mummyof2uk · 23/03/2022 00:08

No I started talking to his neiced when she was talking to her son and she shouted at me oi I was talking to you I was in the middle of a conversation I got upset because of the build up all night of nasty comments to me and my kids, ie talking over me about me as she and all in negative and nobody saying anything she lied about me not bating an eye when my son did something which was slightly cheeky normal 7 year old stuff and I said to him not to say that and she has been really spiteful I have said that I'm not going he can go but I feel that by him leaving us all behind at home on mother day which is for me and the kids to gives her the message that it's OK to talk to her like that I will just come alone I would not let my family treat him like that then leave him home and go visit until they apologised to him and then we go as a family.

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Sweepingeyelashes · 23/03/2022 00:08

His mother will be a constant annoyance. His inability to stand up to her will eventually annoy you beyond belief. I so wouldn't marry him. If I did, she wouldn't be at the wedding. But really just save yourself years of irritation with your partner being in thrall to his very unpleasant mother.

Original poster
Mummyof2uk · 23/03/2022 00:15

I truly think that she has downtrodden him so much he is scared to say anything and I feel so sorry for him, but I can't be the verbal punch bag for his mum. I am trying to give him the confidence to say something to her but then am getting annoyed at having to spell it all out to him. he agrees fully that she is in the wrong but keeps sweetening everything he says to her to not hurt her feelings instead of saying no it is unacceptable behaviour I'm so lost what to do.

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Throckmorton · 23/03/2022 00:20

If he won't stand up for you, that pretty much tells you where he rates you in relation to his mother, ie lower. Honestly, don't marry this guy - you and your kids deserve so much better.

Original poster
Mummyof2uk · 23/03/2022 00:25

It's just he says one thing he tells me I will always have your back and will make sure I say something if it happens again I said but you didn't, he said I have just become so used to it, he said I think she has just become so comfortable with you she treats you like one of the family now, I said to him does that not seem insane that she would treat her family like that and you have all become so used to it you don't even notice anymore, he said it feels wrong to go against her but he will always pick us it's contradicting.

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eldora · 23/03/2022 00:29

You need to be more assertive in front of his mum/family, instead of crying about it afterwards and guilt tripping him about seeing his own mum on Mother’s Day.

Yes, Mother’s Day is for you and your kids, but it’s not just for you, she’s his mum and he is allowed to spend it with his mum.

You don’t have to go and see his family, let him see them and make clear that you won’t have anything to do with his MIL until she behaves properly to you.

Original poster
Mummyof2uk · 23/03/2022 00:29

Also we are moving away soon and so I am not going to be seeing her so I'm hoping this fixes some of the issue?

OP posts:
eldora · 23/03/2022 00:30

Who’s idea was it to move and how far are you moving?

Throckmorton · 23/03/2022 00:31

If he says one thing but does the opposite, then his words don't seem to be worth that much.

Original poster
Mummyof2uk · 23/03/2022 00:33

Yes I do need to more assertive eldora and I am working on that Its not my family and I was so taken aback that I would have loved for him to stand up for me and in future I will be for myself but I hate causing conflict my issue I know, also me having feelings and emotions is not me guilt tripping him? That's a strange way to look at it, I have said to him he can choose to go or not just that we won't be, I have only put on this thread that that's how I would feel so as not to push him one way or another. I am well aware that she is his mum and part of the family and am completely aware that the day is not all about me?

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Original poster
Mummyof2uk · 23/03/2022 00:34

We both wanted to move it's about 2 hours away

OP posts:
eldora · 23/03/2022 00:39

Ok, fair enough, it just sounded like your Dp was being made to choose as he said he would pick you.

Don’t worry about causing conflict by being assertive, it’s not your job to be the doormat and yes, he should stick up for you if his mum is rude to you.

Original poster
Mummyof2uk · 23/03/2022 00:45

No I don't think that would be fair and also I don't want to be held responsible for his decisions. I just feel that the other way round I would want an apology for him before I would go round to my parents as its like saying yes that's OK how you are acting to him but I'm fine with it as I still come round we are a package and we all deserve to be treated with respect, I have made a pact with myself to make sure that I do stand up for myself from now on keeping quite to keep the peace only causes a war inside yourself I read that and it's so true, I 100 agree he does need to tell her and stick up for his family and she needs to take accountability not turn it round on everyone else.

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Original poster
Mummyof2uk · 23/03/2022 00:54

Yes It was one long ramble oops venting there, the going grey rock technique seems really helpful thanks.

OP posts:
Wheniruletheworld · 23/03/2022 05:50

Doesn't your keyboard have any punctuation keys? Sorry OP, but each of your posts in this thread are impossible to read.