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Original poster

To feel I’ve not lived my life

42 replies

Anon322168 · 22/03/2022 21:57

I feel like I’ve never really lived my life. I’m hoping someone on here can give me words of wisdom or just the space to express myself.

Childhood was a complete mess, never felt loved or validated and in all honesty was not loved or cared about at all, was made to feel an inconvenience. I focused on my studies and just kept my head in the books. Didn’t really have any fun or laughter in my youth.

Got introduced to DH and married him. DH is a mummy boy and let his family treat me appallingly. Fast forward 12 years of marriage and 2 kids and I feel where has my life gone? I’m still unhappy and still have no laughter or fun in my life.

I can’t blame DH or my family about my issues as even at work I feel isolated and left out of things. I have some lovely people there and One to one have good conversations but everything seems really superficial. I’m about to leave work to work on my mental health (will still work but will be doing supply teaching instead). I just want to be happy and carefree but I constantly feel this pressure to just be as bland as possible and just clean the house or take care of the kids. I’d love to just click my fingers and live a different life.

We’re also planning to move which is playing on my mind as DH sleeps in separate room right now whilst kids are in bed with me but in new house kids will have their own rooms.

I feel lonely. I stupidly thought marriage would fix my problems and I would marry into a loving home and have all the love and validation I needed to heal myself. MIL is a nasty and vile woman who dismisses me.

OP posts:
christmasthoughts · 22/03/2022 22:01

Didn't want to read and run. So sorry you are feeling this way OP.
Are you going to get help did you say with your mental health?
You sound like you are suffering with depression but obviously a medical diagnosis would be needed.
How old are your kids? Little kids are tough on your mental health, and moving house is up there as one of the most stressful life events too. Be kind to yourself.

VioletLemon · 22/03/2022 22:06

Oh dear OP, it sounds like you're in a rut within your family and are feeling down about your relationship and how happy you feel. I'm sorry its tough, try to be really honest with yourself, do you want to remain married? It's OK to say no. If you are already focusing on improving your mental health then keep going in that direction. Teaching is a very difficult job and it takes time to recover if you have hit a burn out. If you can't think of things you enjoy at the moment try to get some time for yourself. Get children in own room. Listen to some relaxation apps, head's pace ans CALM are good. Enjoy small things, drinking tea, have a shower, go outside. Start small but you deserve to be happy.

MintJulia · 22/03/2022 22:07

My childhood sounds very like yours. One thing I am certain of is that you make your own happiness. Don't waste time waiting for your husband to make you happy.

Improve each day by 1%. Have music in the kitchen. Dance with your dcs. Lttle things like putting a hot water bottle in my bed or ds' bed ten minutes before we go up, feels like a luxury.

Warm hot cross buns with melty butter after school or a £1 bunch of daffodils for the breakfast table all raise a smile. Add in your new house and things could really improve Smile

I just try to raise an extra smile every day, It doesn't have to cost a lot.

Original poster
Anon322168 · 22/03/2022 22:12

Thank you all for the lovely advice x

OP posts:
Original poster
Anon322168 · 22/03/2022 22:16

No I don’t want to be married to him but in my current state I cannot leave. I know life married to him is is not ideal but I know for a fact leaving will destroy mine and DC’s lives. They love him and we obviously don’t fight in front of them. He gives them a good life and his job enables me to work part time or not at all if I wish, at some point I will leave but right now my kids are small (nearly 7 and 2 year old)

OP posts:
spacehardware · 22/03/2022 22:17

"Got introduced to DH and married him. DH is a mummy boy and let his family treat me appallingly."

He definitely can be blamed for this, and should be. You need therapy (alone, not couples counselling) to work through this and what you actually want

FrecklesMalone · 22/03/2022 22:18

The idea of small little things to focus on is what got me out of a depression. Retrain your brain to pay more attention to good things that are happening right there. Notice your children's smiles, or they way they bounce when they run. Do headspace app. Think about how good food tastes. Fake it til you make it.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 22/03/2022 22:18

One thing I am certain of is that you make your own happiness. Don't waste time waiting for your husband to make you happy.

This is good advice. You do sound depressed though - the lack of enjoyment of life is typical. Have you ever had counseling to work through issues from your childhood? Normally I think medication is quicker, but in your case it might be worth unpicking the formative years.

Original poster
Anon322168 · 22/03/2022 22:22

I’ve had years of therapy but honestly it’s been a waste as i would leave more upset than when I walked into the session. Yes good idea focusing on little things. I’m looking forward to leaving work and just focusing on myself and the kids.

OP posts:
IsoIsobaby20 · 23/03/2022 03:45

OH OP you do sound depressed and need some real help with this, but in addition to this what struck me from your post is you know what bad looks like, do you know what good / happy looks like for you?

I offer this advice as years ago I felt similar like I was going through the motions of day to day life and living a checklist. I had to let go of the past but I also needed to know what the future looked like. I wrote down on a huge piece of paper what good looked like and happiness looked like for me.

I wrote down the big things (my dream house) but also the little things - getting another dog for instance as dog walks make me happy, going for a coffee on my own. This was a great task for me and I still spend time looking back on this when I feel like life just isn't fun or happy and remind myself what makes me happy.

This isn't guaranteed to change anything but maybe with some work you can start to do the things you enjoy or at least recognise what it is that lights you up.

Weatherwax13 · 23/03/2022 04:16

Your mental health would probably improve dramatically if you left an unhappy marriage.
You don't feel ready to do that yet and im not shouting LTB..
But the point you made about all that therapy being useless makes me think the issue is that you feel utterly trapped.
Divorce doesn't have to mean financial ruin and miserable children.
Maybe quietly do some research. Privately talk to a solicitor even.
You don't have to act on it at all. But maybe it will be more of an option than you think it is. And give you food for thought/hope for a different future.
I do think a visit to the GP is a good idea regardless.

CheshireSplat · 23/03/2022 04:26

OP, your post made me think of this article which I have found helpful. It discusses the feeling that life hasn't quite started yet, which really resonated with me. It might not with you; but it was a feeling I didn't realize I had, until I read this: I think virtually everyone, except perhaps the very Zen or very old, goes through life haunted to some degree by the feeling that this isn't quite the real thing, not just yet – that soon enough, we'll get everything in working order, get organised, get our personal issues resolved, but that till then we're living what the great Swiss psychologist Marie-
Louise von Franz called the "provisional life".

www.oliverburkeman.com/never

AliceAbsolum · 23/03/2022 04:27

What do you value and enjoy doing?
How often in the week do you spend time on those things?

Planetbippop · 23/03/2022 06:29

To me, you sound like you have chosen to make yourself invisible because you don't trust people & you don't trust/love yourself. When you do this, you become forgettable.

On balance you have a great deal in your life but the happy changes start with you. You need to take a little step, everyday, to empower yourself. It's the best feeling in the world & once you start, you'll want to take more.

Next time MIL dismisses you, don't allow it. Give her a knowing look, with a slight smile, hold it for a few seconds. Then walk away with a lil chuckle. It'll totally throw her & she'll be wondering WTF! You will feel 10ft tall & she can't come back at you because hey, all you did was smile at her right! Its just a little warning shot that there are going to be some changes.

Plan a picnic with the children after school in the garden, park etc. The weathers lovely. Even if it's for an hour, no housework, cooking etc. Just the 3 of you having some quality time & feeling the sun on your faces.

When you move, make your bedroom really cosy so it's a room you want to be in. Your sanctuary.

Make friends with yourself first, the rest will follow.

nzeire · 23/03/2022 06:48

Man, that was sad reading. I have a different life to you, but have experienced bouts of depression, so can relate a little.
Consider yourself a project, work on yourself little and often, have different chapters.
Find an amazing doctor, take vitamins, the happy pills, whatever it takes
Eat beautiful food. All the time, make an effort to up your nutrition, eat well
Exercise, get out, swim in the sea, walk up hills, stop and do some green bathing
Do stuff for you, play music, buy a book, wear a lovely scent
Enjoy your children, plan some wicked days out! Get them involved, there’s a lot out there
See if you can find a famiky that works with yours. When my kids were small, it was nice to hang out with another famiky, it made us all nicer z:)
Give yourself a break. Life has been hard for you.
Xxx

Ohballstothis · 23/03/2022 06:57

OP my DH passed away two weeks ago suddenly of an aggressive form of cancer. There is no doubt in my mind he was the perfect partner for me in every way and of course I'm devastated, he was 38. What it's taught me is life is so short. I have no regrets for now we lived our lives and I'm so saddened to hear of people living in this way- my own brother in law and close friends are unhappy in their marriages and I've been talking to them about it- tomorrow isn't a guarantee, life is simply too short to be unhappy. It will be an upheaval for the children and I'm not denying it will be upsetting at first and difficult but you deserve to be happy, please don't forget that. All the advice about seeing GP for depression and legal advice is great. Just remember life is a gift (sorry sounds so cheesy) and you matter.

PeacefulPrune · 23/03/2022 07:01

I’d love to just click my fingers and live a different life.

What would that different life be like?

Are there any tiny steps that you can make to get you a little closer to that?

glowingcandle · 23/03/2022 07:03

@ohballstothis I'm so sorry Flowers

ThinWomansBrain · 23/03/2022 07:04

for me, there has to be a good relationship with the therapist for it to be beneficial.
I appreciate that if using NHS, this isn't always possible - if you are able to afford private counselling, be prepared to meet a few before you settle with someone that you feel comfortable with. That's not to say it won't be hard work, and don't expect nothing but tea and sympathy, but if there is no empathy in the relationship you won't get very far.
Have you spoken to your GP, might antidepressants help?

dottiedodah · 23/03/2022 07:09

I think you have had a hard time of it .your childhood sounds hard. However you have overcome this to a degree.are you a teacher you have done well if so .everyone takes stock at some point often around the 40 mark , you feel you should be happy and carefree .atm weather is great too nice to be hoovering anyway! Take a picnic ,plan an outing at weekend, do something different even just a ride to the coast.its easy to get in a bit of a rut I think

Imperfectp3rf3ction · 23/03/2022 07:20

Only you can create your life now and that's difficult with emotional baggage you may actually be blocking your life out to be able to hold predictability, therefore sabotaging your own life but it is do able !
You need to sit down and make a vision of what you want and expect out of life and then think how you can get there.
You don't mention about bond with your kids ? So they bring you happiness and laughter and love ?
Do you love your husband ?
Hobbies and interests ?
You can do this and you can smile from your heart with pure happiness =)

ThackeryBinks · 23/03/2022 07:20

Maybe you could try a different therapy based on a recovery approach. The one I did was CBT based and was fantastic.

Beechview · 23/03/2022 07:21

The phrase that struck me is that you feel the pressure to be as bland as possible. Where is that pressure coming from and what would you do if it wasn’t there? What would you do to bring colour and fun into your life?

DearMallorie · 23/03/2022 07:22

@Ohballstothis I'm so sorry about your lovely dh. Thanks and your advice to Anon is great.

I agree with finding small manageable things that bring you happiness at first. Things with your children as well as things just for you. Then you can move on to bigger things. A holiday to somewhere you have always wanted to go for example.

You need to do something about your marriage. One way or the other way something has to change. You can't just keep going like this forever.

Alainlechat · 23/03/2022 07:27

OP, a book was recommended on here called Atomic Habits. It's about making small changes and getting into good habits. Life changes are not always made in one swoop.

I found it really useful x