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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To feel I’ve not lived my life

42 replies

Anon322168 · 22/03/2022 21:57

I feel like I’ve never really lived my life. I’m hoping someone on here can give me words of wisdom or just the space to express myself.

Childhood was a complete mess, never felt loved or validated and in all honesty was not loved or cared about at all, was made to feel an inconvenience. I focused on my studies and just kept my head in the books. Didn’t really have any fun or laughter in my youth.

Got introduced to DH and married him. DH is a mummy boy and let his family treat me appallingly. Fast forward 12 years of marriage and 2 kids and I feel where has my life gone? I’m still unhappy and still have no laughter or fun in my life.

I can’t blame DH or my family about my issues as even at work I feel isolated and left out of things. I have some lovely people there and One to one have good conversations but everything seems really superficial. I’m about to leave work to work on my mental health (will still work but will be doing supply teaching instead). I just want to be happy and carefree but I constantly feel this pressure to just be as bland as possible and just clean the house or take care of the kids. I’d love to just click my fingers and live a different life.

We’re also planning to move which is playing on my mind as DH sleeps in separate room right now whilst kids are in bed with me but in new house kids will have their own rooms.

I feel lonely. I stupidly thought marriage would fix my problems and I would marry into a loving home and have all the love and validation I needed to heal myself. MIL is a nasty and vile woman who dismisses me.

OP posts:
gingerhills · 23/03/2022 07:28

@MintJulia

My childhood sounds very like yours. One thing I am certain of is that you make your own happiness. Don't waste time waiting for your husband to make you happy.

Improve each day by 1%. Have music in the kitchen. Dance with your dcs. Lttle things like putting a hot water bottle in my bed or ds' bed ten minutes before we go up, feels like a luxury.

Warm hot cross buns with melty butter after school or a £1 bunch of daffodils for the breakfast table all raise a smile. Add in your new house and things could really improve Smile

I just try to raise an extra smile every day, It doesn't have to cost a lot.

I love this advice. Start by intentionally increasing your joy in small ways every day. Pay attention to small things like your favourite scent of soap or shower gel, your favourite tea or way of making coffee. Start the day by putting on your favourite upbeat music as you get ready for school and work. Wind down in the evening with comedy shows - IT Crowd, Parks & Rec, whatever makes you giggle. Look for feel-good family films too.

You can't change your own childhood but you have children. It's so therapeutic to have a good time with them. While they are still young spend at least half a day every weekend having adventures or outings with them. I got so much joy from taking my children to steam fairs, mini railways, theatre shows for kids, interactive museums and science displays, story readings, gamelans, visiting palaces and castles etc.

We also always did a seasonal bucket list - things to do in summer or at Easter or Halloween half term. You can find loads of inspiration of Pinterest. And get your children to compile the list with you (your husband too if he shows interest. Could be a great way of introducing more fun to all of you.)

Have fun in small ways with your kids too. It doesn't have to be expensive outings all the time. We went cycling and hiking in the local woods, built dens, dammed the stream, built mud slides, dug up clay, made pots and fired them. On rainy days we built dens from sofa cushions or a sheet thrown over the back of two chairs. We had teddy bears' picnics. We camped in our own back garden, built bonfires, made dragons out of twigs, had water fights, built snowmen and went sledging, made bug hotels. Inside, we baked cakes and cookies, played board games and card games, told silly jokes and stories, binge watched happy programmes together, played charades, made zip lines for Ken and barbie down the hallway, slid downstairs on old cardboard boxes. Once you start to look for ways to have fun with your children, new ideas keep arriving.

Meanwhile, you also need to do some work on yourself. If you weren't loved and appreciated as a child, you need to learn the skills of self compassion and self care. Do some little audits - when did you last get your hair cut, your teeth or eyes checked, your nails or brows done, go shopping for a new outfit or pair of shoes? Do you have a list of go-to things you do when you feel down that are good self care? From deep salt or bubble baths to comedy reruns, escapist novels, going to a dance class, baking bread, feeding the birds, sewing seeds and planting on the seedlings etc. I think a bit of art, a bit of sport, a bit of nature is a good balance.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 23/03/2022 07:28

Next time MIL dismisses you, don't allow it. Give her a knowing look, with a slight smile, hold it for a few seconds. Then walk away with a lil chuckle

I'm not sure acting like a weirdo is the way forward here!?

WTF99 · 23/03/2022 07:31

@MintJulia

My childhood sounds very like yours. One thing I am certain of is that you make your own happiness. Don't waste time waiting for your husband to make you happy.

Improve each day by 1%. Have music in the kitchen. Dance with your dcs. Lttle things like putting a hot water bottle in my bed or ds' bed ten minutes before we go up, feels like a luxury.

Warm hot cross buns with melty butter after school or a £1 bunch of daffodils for the breakfast table all raise a smile. Add in your new house and things could really improve Smile

I just try to raise an extra smile every day, It doesn't have to cost a lot.

You sound lovely Smile

Great advice too

picklemewalnuts · 23/03/2022 07:37

Sweetheart, your post resonated so much. You've not learned how to put yourself first, to live for you, and make yourself happy. You've not learned HOW to make yourself happy.

Your parents didn't care for you the way they should, and do things to make you happy.
Neither has your husband- but that could be hard for him than it should be, because you don't know yourself what that is.

You have to do it yourself, then everything else will start to pick up.

I'm sure you do it for your DC, now you need to do it for yourself! Start with little things- little treats for you, built in to your day. A good cup of coffee, half an hour in the sun with a book, a bath with a candle, cook the dinner you want...
Pay attention to what makes you feel good. Stop looking at him and the ILs, just look at you and your DC and whatever makes you smile.
Do more of that.

It will get better!
I lost so much sense of burden and disappointment when I let go of the expectation DH would make me happy, and started to look after myself. To be fair, I also stopped trying to make him happy. Saved a huge amount of energy!

emeraldjones · 23/03/2022 07:40

So sorry Anon and I sympathise. I've felt like this most of my life and I'm 60! I know it's my head that has to change, that nothing will ever be perfect but changing your head is not easy. Unfortunately we are stuck with the horrible unloved childhood where we were never up to scratch and tried so hard to be acceptable - to no avail. No wonder we feel hopeless - without hope. CheshireSplat's link is so true. We have to try to be ok now. Am I all right in this moment? And the advice about doing the small stuff is good. Try and think what makes you happy even if it's just a hot bath or hearing your children laughing. Go for more of it. And ask the doc for anti-depressants for a bit if you aren't totally against them. It might help you get on an even keel and see a little more clearly. And try to find a counsellor you like and trust, who can help clarify stuff. I think you have to get yourself vaguely right and then the road will open up before you whether you go or stay.

userxx · 23/03/2022 07:51

@TheYearOfSmallThings 🤣 that made me laugh.

Op, you really must try and find your own happiness, life sounds tough but look deeper and you will find joy.

Dacquoise · 23/03/2022 08:03

Thirteen years ago I could practically describe my life the same as yours. My life now couldn't be more different so what did I do?

We're programmed to repeat what we were taught as children. You have to unlearn the maladaptive behaviours, improve your self esteem and effectively become the person you were meant to be and that starts with therapy which is a form of reparenting.

You mentioned how upsetting you found it. I didn't stop crying for the first eighteen months. I felt awful but I stuck with it, got it all out and then slowly, it's not an instant fix, started to feel strong enough to really examine and accept myself as I am, good and bad. I have dipped in and out therapy over the years, my current therapist is the best one. Don't stick with someone you don't gel with. It's a relationship like any other but you must trust them to be able to go deep.

For me it's led to some really big changes, NC with the whole of my family, divorce from my husband and dropping a lot of people who used and exploited the people pleaser I became because of my dysfunctional childhood I am not saying you need to do the same, it's been really hard, but it can be done. But I have changed. I am confident, assertive and my own person. I may have missed out on a lot of things when younger but I see this part of my life as a beginning.

I now have a DP who I 'chose' because we are compatible, my child is thriving, and although my friends have shrunk dramatically I no longer tolerate dysfunction in others or myself.

My list of hobbies and interests is huge and still growing. Meditation and mindfulness is brilliant for self esteem. As other pps have suggested, concentrate on yourself, make self improvement your goal, invest in your life, it's not too late. Flowers

Planetbippop · 23/03/2022 08:25

@TheYearOfSmallThings

Next time MIL dismisses you, don't allow it. Give her a knowing look, with a slight smile, hold it for a few seconds. Then walk away with a lil chuckle

I'm not sure acting like a weirdo is the way forward here!?

Acting like a weirdo? 😂 it's far more tactical than that but hell, if a little crazy helps, why not!

The most subtle of changes tend to be picked up by vile people like the MIL. It will make her wary because she wont know what's coming next. You keep shifting the goalposts, which slowly dismantles her power because she doesn't know what she's dealing with. By the time she does catch up, OP will be feeling much stronger & it's a whole new ball game.

ralanne · 23/03/2022 09:56

Have you tried medication? It's been life changing for me.

DearMallorie · 23/03/2022 10:03

It would be better just to not see the mother in law at all rather than play tactical mind games. She shouldn't be doing anything at all with ball games and goalposts. That isn't going to help the OP's actual problem.

5128gap · 23/03/2022 10:05

You are drifting OP, a passenger in your life, not the driver. Some things are out of your control, but there are some that aren't, and you can change them. You need to set some goals for yourself that will take you closer to the life you'd want if you clicked your fingers. Where would you be working? What would your house be like? How would you spend your days? With whom? If you can visualise what happy would look like, specifically, not as a nebulous concept that's out of reach, you can start make tiny steps towards it. Few people end up with the total package, but most obtain at least some of their list.

PissedOffNeighbour22 · 23/03/2022 10:23

I had a similar upbringing and feel the same way as you do.
I divorced my husband a few years ago and have never seen my awful MIL since which is a massive bonus. I've since met my lovely DP and had 2 children, but I still feel pretty much the same way.
I don't think I ever fixed what was wrong, just moved on and carried on with how I lived before. I don't see the joy in things and everything irritates me.

Hopefully leaving your job will help, OP. I think that would help me but unfortunately I can't.

LimeSegment · 23/03/2022 10:43

I think most people wish they could click their fingers and have a different life. Once you get to age 30+ you just look around and think - really? Life is objectively not bad but you do think - out of 8 billion people I'm with this boring/unloving/messy/whatever person? Out of all the jobs I'm in this one? Why didn't I travel more? Did I make the right decision in regards to children (having them or not, choosing their father, timing, how they were raised)?

It's 100% normal, it's how everyone feels.

Longclaw88 · 23/03/2022 11:23

I don’t know what the rules are on sharing relevant links, but my dear friend (aged late 30s, two children) has recently booked onto a self love retreat to have a bit of ‘me time’. sallyfazeli.com/retreats/

In her words, “I’m fucking tired of doing everything for everyone else and need to work on myself or I’m going to go crazy.” She also has self-esteem issues and lacks confidence. In her younger years she had a terrible eating disorder and I’m not sure she ever fully healed herself.

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 23/03/2022 11:42

I have a book recommendation - I saw it recommended on mn. How to do everything and be happy by peter jones.

You say you want to have fun - what does that look like for you? Why?

Youre going to need to figure out what you want, and youll need to plan how to get there. The book will tell you how. Good luck x

Anon322168 · 23/03/2022 18:02

@Ohballstothis

OP my DH passed away two weeks ago suddenly of an aggressive form of cancer. There is no doubt in my mind he was the perfect partner for me in every way and of course I'm devastated, he was 38. What it's taught me is life is so short. I have no regrets for now we lived our lives and I'm so saddened to hear of people living in this way- my own brother in law and close friends are unhappy in their marriages and I've been talking to them about it- tomorrow isn't a guarantee, life is simply too short to be unhappy. It will be an upheaval for the children and I'm not denying it will be upsetting at first and difficult but you deserve to be happy, please don't forget that. All the advice about seeing GP for depression and legal advice is great. Just remember life is a gift (sorry sounds so cheesy) and you matter.
I’m so sorry to hear this x
OP posts:
Anon322168 · 23/03/2022 18:03

Thank you everyone for the lovely posts. The link to the Oliver website was amazing, thank you for that.

OP posts:
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