Talk me down - I’m ultimately happy.

[IKnowImAnIdiot]

Background: 36, married with a 2 year old daughter. Been with DH for 8 years, married for 5. Both have v high pressured Director level jobs which are manageable, we’re not working 12 hour days or anything daft like that. Life is busy as it is for everyone. I am the first to admit that I’m lucky - we have a beautiful home and have no worries. Fantastic family life - DH is very close with my dad and two brothers and they regularly see each other. I’ve always been grateful for that.

DH is the kind of person that everyone likes - he’s kind, compassionate and reliable. He’s never been the most passionate man in the world and I’d have always preferred him to be a little more so but he’s got a great sense of humour. We’re very compatible: rarely argue, very similar personalities, both quite emotionally low maintenance so there’s rarely any conflict. Feel terrible saying this but we’ve never had a great sex life and always wished it was better. We now probably have sex once every 4 months. I read those posts about women complaining that their DH is always badgering them for sex and wish mine was 🤣

He’s a great husband - dotes on our DD and works very hard to give us a good life (as do i!). I do feel he’s lazy at home and he actually admits this himself. I do 90% of everything around the house, partly because I’m a martyr and mainly because it’s easier. He’s never been a ‘complimenter’ and frankly this never bothered me before but now I just want more passion in life. I am DYING as I write these words but I am not unattractive. Best I ever get is a once in a blue moon “you look nice”. I compliment him far more.

I’ve moaned and moaned here when I started by saying that I was happy. I am. I have a life people would dream of. But the past 6 months has left me feeling like I need more. And I know that ‘more’ is a bit more excitement.

I bumped into an ex about 8 months ago. We work very nearby. Met him for lunch. Chemistry was insane and I told him it wasn’t appropriate to meet again. I haven’t and wouldn’t cheat. My marriage isn’t at breaking point (far from it, I’m just fucking bored) and even if it was, I’d never do that. But I CANNOT STOP THINKING ABOUT HIM. Help.

I suppose what I’m saying is that, from nowhere, I feel bored and restless and wanting more. This is compounded by my encounter with ex. I know it’s terrible. I won’t act on it. Is this common? I know I’m not 21 anymore but I’m not ready to start planning my retirement either .

This is nothing to do with your marriage. It’s the excitement of seeing your ex. Picture this - leave your family, get with your ex, fast forward 8 years and you’ll probably feel the same.

You need to figure out what excitement you are looking for. Why not put the effort in to the marriage and try and find it there. Your DH may surprise you if you instigate it.

Too many people think the grass is greener but the plants only grow where they are watered.

You sound very similar to how I felt. I am now going through a separation and the reality of that is I’m devastated (wasn’t as straight forward as yours). I wish though I had made more effort so I wasn’t left wondering ‘what I’d’ down the line

Meant to also say, Or find some excitement / adventure on your own hobbies and interest.

Thank you NoStrings. I’m sorry to read that you are experiencing such a difficult time. I really hope that the months ahead are kinder
You’re absolutely right - the grass isn’t greener. I won’t be acting on it. I just find that my marriage is so devoid of passion with my DH that I have to engage in little fantasies from time to time to have a bit of excitement. He puts no effort into our marriage whatsoever but ticks every box elsewhere.

All the way through your post, it was so obvious that something involving another man was coming.

The spark has been lit in you by the encounter.

You've awoken from your boring, perfect life and want more.

I think it's natural human emotion. But what you'd get, is not what you want. It's just some illusion. Eventually you'd end up bored again.

I don't have the answer for you. I often feel the same.

Sometimes just feeling desired for a while is enough to put a spring in your step. I also don't get compliments a lot at home and it's always been something I really really need. So when I meet people who compliment me and have a flirt with them, my head immediately starts spinning.

But you'll ultimately just be back here again. There's no point. Life can't be both exciting ( like when you're single / first together ) AND stable in Marriage. I think it's ultimately a bit boring to be married. But comfortable.

You occasionally remember those old feelings and it feels incredible. But ultimately, as time passes, they fade away again and you forget about it again and then you stop feeling like you need more. OR you go and have an affair and live through the pain that brings. It's never worth it !

It’s everything to do with your marriage. I have no advice, I am you and had this similar crisis a few years ago. I ultimately talked myself into staying then, but there’s rarely any sex, few compliments, but there is love, kindness, security, companionship and laughter. I feel like it’s enough for me now, but I had to grieve the lack of passion and sec first. I hope I won’t regret it when I’m older.

Have you told your husband what you need? I realise this isn't ideal... you want him to be spontaneous and just know. But does he know what you're thinking?

Remember your ex is an ex for a reason and that reason clearly over-rode any chemistry you had with him first time round.

Secondly, you say your husband is a good person can you not talk to him about the way your marriage is and the fact he puts no effort into it? I am assuming he loves you and wants to remain married to you and wants you to be happy and fulfilled? There is a compromise between all out passion and what you have you both need to find it because pretty soon you are going to start resenting being just companions.

Thank you so much for those responses, ByUppin and BeetyAxe. So comforting to know that I’m not the only one. Absolutely - I won’t do anything.

I do wonder though; why does it have to be boring? Why can’t he just say something smutty to me once in a while and fuck me 🤣 I’m joking but I do feel completely invisible a lot of the time. I really am v low maintenance - I bend over backwards for our family life and literally all I want is a bit of charm. Can’t be hard surely?!

Sounds nuts but I’d love him to get his testosterone levels checked.

@Nostrings457

This is nothing to do with your marriage. It’s the excitement of seeing your ex. Picture this - leave your family, get with your ex, fast forward 8 years and you’ll probably feel the same.

You need to figure out what excitement you are looking for. Why not put the effort in to the marriage and try and find it there. Your DH may surprise you if you instigate it.

Too many people think the grass is greener but the plants only grow where they are watered.

You sound very similar to how I felt. I am now going through a separation and the reality of that is I’m devastated (wasn’t as straight forward as yours). I wish though I had made more effort so I wasn’t left wondering ‘what I’d’ down the line

What a load of crap.

It’s everything to do with her marriage, her husband is lazy with housework and lazy in the sack.

OP, he needs to do his share of the housework.

Your only 36, the thrice annual sex will dwindle to annual and then never, can you handle that?

@Nostrings457 sorry, I missed your last paragraph, I was a bit harsh, sorry you are going through that.

Really grateful for these responses, I thought I’d be flamed for this.

Yes I’ve told him but nothing changes. He just assured me that he loves me. Which is never in doubt.

There wasn’t a blow out with ex, maybe this is what’s fuelling my daft fantasy a bit. We both moved to different parts of the world for work. Truth be told, I always felt he was a bit out of my league and played it a bit cool. I was young and ultimately not desperate to be in a relationship.

Im not fantasising about running off with him - couldn’t be arsed quite frankly 😂 - but I do think about how good it would be to sleep with him. Because I know for a fact it will be incredible. Because it always was. We were highly sexually compatible which is why it is typical to bump into him when I’d already started feeling a bit ‘meh’.

Needless to say, I won’t be doing this, I couldn’t live with the guilt but I also acknowledge that it’s not my DH’s job to change just because I need to grow up a bit. Ah well.

Can you get him to agree to sex one a week? It really makes a different to your closeness if you have regular sex.

Owlina thank you. I could but it’s shit and half arsed and lasts about 10 mins. I’d rather not bother. I never turn him down when he suggests it but it’s not enough to look forward to if that makes sense.

I’d be genuinely curious to know if people are having that amazing sex you have in your 20’s with a v passionate man when you’re well into a marriage?!

I also think this is everything to do with your marriage and nothing to do with your ex. The way things are in your marriage it was bound to happen with someone sooner or later.

To be honest your life sounds good...but not your marriage. It doesnt sound like he is putting the effort in at an emotional level, a practical level or a sexual level. You are his housekeeper or friend or something. Would he do marriage counselling? As otherwise I think the resentment will grow

I also think this is everything to do with your marriage and nothing to do with your ex. The way things are in your marriage it was bound to happen with someone sooner or later.

Totally agree.

Is he really a great husband if he never compliments you and you do 90% of stuff at home? I don’t think these are compatible or they wouldn’t be in my relationship. Are you low maintenance because you just accept the low standards? Do you have any conversations with him about things you’d like to change?

And good that you can separate the ex issue - grass is always greener etc!

Sounds like the 7 year itch - so common there’s even a name for it. But maybe a good opportunity to acknowledge how you’re feeling and talk to your DH about how you’re feeling - not unhappy but in a bit of a rut. And work it through together. Maybe speak to marriage counsellor - probably nice for them to have some couples who aren’t at breaking point but just want to improve their marriage. If you do date nights, maybe switch it up and try something new like clubbing or activities outside your norm. For me intimacy improves when you enjoy spending time together but with other people iykwim

Sorry, you’ve replied to some of my post in the time it took me to actually post it!

I know it’s probably not what you want to hear, but if you’ve told him and nothing has changed, he clearly isn’t motivated to do anything differently and if the sex has always been a bit crap I’m not sure you can really change from that… I suppose either you get him to agree to get testosterone checked (maybe, if you feel it could be a factor), maybe something like relationship/sex counselling, both putting in real effort to improve things… or you accept this is what you put up with in exchange for a largely happy life

Thank you everyone. All makes sense. Really appreciate the thoughts. I’m going to have a chat with him.

Have you said that it hurts your feelings that you don't have sex?
I've never had this until the last 8 weeks with my husband and it's really floored me. I'm heavily pregnant and we have had sex just once a week or every ten days it's made me feel so so miserable about myself
He stopped smoking and it's affected his libido and motivation
I was heavily pregnant and it made me feel like he didn't find me attractive due to the fact I was basically fatter
He did assure me it's not the reason but it still hurt

especially where I've gone out of my way to have sex at times when I've been exhausted and had surgery or much on my mind

So I know how you feel
But opening up will help

Can you arrange a weekend away

I could not imagine, in my mid 30s, committing to a more or less sexless, passionless marriage. My husband and I have our ups and downs but we have never stopped wanting to fuck each other and it's the glue that holds us together when everything else is difficult.

Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone who doesn't desperately desire you?

Why are you so apologetic for stating his shortcomings? It's ok to say he's lazy if he is. It's ok for you to want more passion and support in general. You don't have to portray your marriage to be perfect, no one's is.

Have you spoken to him about it? That's the first step. You may find he feels the same.

1. get the balance right. Get him doing more around the house, it's not ok to just expect you to do it all because you're a "martyr"

2. cimmunicate. Tell him you want more passion. Suggest what it is you want (more sex, different sex, more sexual communication, more compliments etc)

Your ex is a red herring.

Change one thing. Do one novel thing to mix it up each day. Even just try it for a week! Totally think we’re with the same guy, living the same life btw. In one sense I like that I have full control over whether we’ll be having sex that night or (most likely) not. Unless I move in towards him for a kiss in bed it just wouldn’t happen. I don’t really get it on his part though, does he have no urge to have sex with me outwith the times I just so happen to have instigated it? It’s good when it does happen too but it is very ‘samey’ and we stick to our same old routine. We’re moving house and I’m telling myself once we’re out of this stressful, chaotic period with the house move and our little one it will be different and itl suddenly be really exciting. I totally get what you mean about the ex thing. I was in a shop today and saw my sort of ex (sort of one that got away)‘s car in the car park after I came out with my son. My mind raced through the scenario of having bumped into him, probably having a polite chat while giving each other that look or smirk during the conversation. But if life had gone differently and I’d ended up with him it could actually be even less exciting than it is now. He’s already divorced from the wife he went with instead of me so life with him clearly isn’t that great 😂 Realistically, unless you’re going to move on to a new guy every 1-3 weeks it is always going to get like that. I look back on my single days when I’d be messaging lots of guys, going on dates and even sleeping with guys I didn’t know all that well and think, I stopped that because that was actually far from exciting. It was sad. I was lonely! So the grass really isn’t greener

I studied psychology at uni and one of the few things I actually remember from the course was a study where men met women in different circumstances. One group in the experiment met the woman in a low-risk scenario, the others met her on a high up bridge. She gave them her number in both groups and those who met her in the adrenaline-fuelled scenario were way more likely to call her after to arrange a date. The study went on to suggest that you should go on dates to do high-adrenaline things as it boosts the love/lust in a relationship. I think usually the suggestion in your situation is get dressed up and go out for dinner but if you’re anything like me you’d just get there and feel the same way you do at home and have the same old boring conversations so maybe step way out your comfort zone and go and do something completely random together instead

Stick with your husband, change one thing at a time. If you like podcasts the podcast called diary of a CEO with Steven is really good and he has a recent one that’s a sex and relationship expert that’s on. I found it very relevant for this sort of topic

@TristesseDurera

I could not imagine, in my mid 30s, committing to a more or less sexless, passionless marriage. My husband and I have our ups and downs but we have never stopped wanting to fuck each other and it's the glue that holds us together when everything else is difficult.

Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone who doesn't desperately desire you?

You think the solution is breaking up an otherwise happy relationship? When kids are involved?

Geez, is there no value on family life and no effort to work on relationships anymore?

I think it's a bit sad that sex holds your relationship together. If anything that screams a less successful relationship to me 🤨