Talk me down - I’m ultimately happy.

[IKnowImAnIdiot]

Background: 36, married with a 2 year old daughter. Been with DH for 8 years, married for 5. Both have v high pressured Director level jobs which are manageable, we’re not working 12 hour days or anything daft like that. Life is busy as it is for everyone. I am the first to admit that I’m lucky - we have a beautiful home and have no worries. Fantastic family life - DH is very close with my dad and two brothers and they regularly see each other. I’ve always been grateful for that.

DH is the kind of person that everyone likes - he’s kind, compassionate and reliable. He’s never been the most passionate man in the world and I’d have always preferred him to be a little more so but he’s got a great sense of humour. We’re very compatible: rarely argue, very similar personalities, both quite emotionally low maintenance so there’s rarely any conflict. Feel terrible saying this but we’ve never had a great sex life and always wished it was better. We now probably have sex once every 4 months. I read those posts about women complaining that their DH is always badgering them for sex and wish mine was 🤣

He’s a great husband - dotes on our DD and works very hard to give us a good life (as do i!). I do feel he’s lazy at home and he actually admits this himself. I do 90% of everything around the house, partly because I’m a martyr and mainly because it’s easier. He’s never been a ‘complimenter’ and frankly this never bothered me before but now I just want more passion in life. I am DYING as I write these words but I am not unattractive. Best I ever get is a once in a blue moon “you look nice”. I compliment him far more.

I’ve moaned and moaned here when I started by saying that I was happy. I am. I have a life people would dream of. But the past 6 months has left me feeling like I need more. And I know that ‘more’ is a bit more excitement.

I bumped into an ex about 8 months ago. We work very nearby. Met him for lunch. Chemistry was insane and I told him it wasn’t appropriate to meet again. I haven’t and wouldn’t cheat. My marriage isn’t at breaking point (far from it, I’m just fucking bored) and even if it was, I’d never do that. But I CANNOT STOP THINKING ABOUT HIM. Help.

Sounds like you are having a mid-life crisis.

In my experience, you usually tend not to feel this way if you were wild enough in your 20s. You got it all out of your system then, and marriage was then the next stage.

So, just for curiousity: what did you do in your 20s?

You would be crazy to leave him and break up your family. There's way more to life than wild sex. Marriages are supposed to settle down like this.

I lived your life for 17 years and was SO unhappy. Had everything on paper but zero serial chemistry and he was average in bed so I left my DH. 2 years later I met the love of my life. Sex is just incredible and I can't believe my luck. I still care for my ex and we co parent well. We even see him and his girlfriend socially. It was very hard for about 18 months as, well, it was a divorce.

My new partner is very different but it is the relationship I always craved and I am finally happy in my late 40s. He had a very similar experience. Now we are excited planning our last working decade and retirement. N9 more dread!

I disagree! Marriages aren't 'supposed to settle down' to sex every few months! There's more to life than wild sex but life is too short to live without regular satisfying sex

@DontLookBackInAnger1

You think the solution is breaking up an otherwise happy relationship? When kids are involved?Geez, is there no value on family life and no effort to work on relationships anymore?I think it's a bit sad that sex holds your relationship together. If anything that screams a less successful relationship to me 🤨

We have an intense emotional and intellectual connection, we are great friends and make each other laugh all the time.

But after 18 years and 2 kids together, of course there have been difficult times. It's the mutual sexual desire that means we can reconnect when things are difficult.

The op is only 36 and she's already dangerously close to an affair, because a marriage without sexual attraction is always going to lose out to the power of someone who actually desires you.

It will happen sooner or later.

Hi op, I wouldn't stay in a relationship without passion. I split up with an otherwise amazing man because I was no longer attracted to him in that way and I don't regret it.

I would be candid with your husband. Tell him how you feel and how bumping into your ex made you feel. That you have an awesome relationship but wouldn't it be great if you also have a great sex life? Ask him what turns him on, what would he like to try etc. Do one of those sex workshops where you have to touch each other every day type of thing. Because if all else is good and you love each other, maybe it just needs a little spice or practice etc.

You picked a nice, successful, steady, reliable, dependable, everyone loves him type of guy to be father to your kids, knowing that the sex was poor and infrequent even before the kids arrived and the relationship matured.

Did you expect this to change over time and he suddenly turn into Cassanova over time. Surely you knew you were sacrificing a decent sex life when you chose to marry him?

I'm actually surprised you only met an ex because I was expecting to get to the I cheated part but I don't want to leave my husband part as I read your post.

Just thought of one other reason:

It is possible your husband is suffering from low testosterone levels.

This absolutely would have an impact on his libido.

Worth getting a health check-up to be sure.

Classic case of thinking the grass is greener (or in your case, more fun) on the other side.

Why do PPs find others liking sex, sad? It is why I left my ex. My partner had his testosterone levels checked in his previous relationship as he was concerned. He had no issues it was the relationship that had floundered.

Sex is an important part for many people and you have to hope you are equally matched as it is the biggest cause of divorce other than issues with money. Trying to dismiss that is odd.

The op is only 36 and she's already dangerously close to an affair, because a marriage without sexual attraction is always going to lose out to the power of someone who actually desires you.

Agree. And about speaking to him frankly. I mean everything. Tell him about the other man. Or this will eventually fall apart.

Thanks for the advice, much appreciated.

Someone upthread asked what my 20’s were like - amazing. Out probably 4/5 nights a week. Lived in London and traveled regularly. Never a dull moment. I genuinely don’t long for the life I had in my 20’s, well and truly out of my system. I LOVE being a parent and I actually like being home. All I’m talking about here is a bit of chemistry at home.

I suppose it’s not accurate to say the sex was always bad - it wasn’t - but never as adventurous as I’d have liked. It’s since we had DD than the passion has completely nose dived.