I think I’ve fallen in love with some 28 years older than me

[Pearlofhearts]

AIBU to feel embarrassed and can’t believe my feelings?!

He is older than my dad and only two years younger than my mum.

I feel like I love him

You’re all probably right, likely just a crush but I never thought I’d have a crush on someone so much older than me.

Presumably he he kind to you and listens to you? Something your partner probably doesn’t.

It is likely that this is the reason for your feelings.

You need to distance yourself from him and deal with your relationship.

@Pearlofhearts

I’m 32, he’s 60. I’m so embarrassed, I don’t know why.

I think he is very fond of me.

I’m in a relationship and co-habitating, we have a child together but we are falling apart and my DP basically told me he doesn’t feel the same about me the other week.

You're just out of your 20s and he is SIXTY?!!!!

No. Just NO! This has absolutely no future whatsoever. He is almost biologically old enough to be your grandad.

I can't imagine why any level-headed 32 year old would be attracted to a 60 year old. As some pps have said, it sounds like you are seeking a 'father figure.'

My husband is 15 years older than me and we’ve been happily together for 17 years. I was 21 and he was 36 when we met.
I never imagined I would fall in love with an older man and I dont think he ever imagined falling in love with a much younger woman!
It doesnt sound like you are really in love with this man, but definitely dont write it off because of the age gap. Life & love is surprising!

My husband is 22 years older

33 and 55

We are very happy with 2 ds . At first I was slightly anxious / worried of what people might think - after 1 year I never thought of it!!!!

My only fear is DH will get sick and die before me .

If you really like this man that’s ok but are you just infatuated?

60?! Grim.

He is almost biologically old enough to be your grandad

He’s actually old enough to be her grandad. I know someone who was a great grandma at 60.

I can’t imagine sex with him

You’re not in love with him, OP. You’ve just got a massive crush on him, because you spend a lot of time with him and he is nice to you and your current relationship is miserable. He probably seems kind and safe and capable in comparison to your boyfriend, and subconsciously that’s what you’re fixating on.

Google limerence.

He sounds like a very nice man. Perhaps he has all the qualities you wish your DP had. it seems this man treats you with kindness and respect. The way you wish your DP treated you.

I don't think you really are 'in love' with him. Just that he has all the traits you would like your ideal man to have. In any case, it is never wise to jump straight from the frying pan into the fire.

Does he have any sons

Of course there’s such a thing but if you don’t want to tear his clothes off and jump his bones you’re not in love.

I'm not sure that being in love requires that kind of response, that sounds more like being in lust! Which is fine but different.

Op, I tend to agree with the others, this is probably related more to your situation with your partner. But I don't doubt that this man is lovely, usually when we project in that kind of way it is onto a person who does in fact have some of those qualities.

But what you really need to do is sort out your own life. Which sucks, I know.

Even so, I don't really think being interested in someone older is that unusual, and it's certainly nothing to be embarrassed about.

I personally wouldn't pursue it. Mainly because I wouldn't want to risk being widowed in my 50s/60s. Obviously can happen anyway but far less likely.

Do you have kids?

My ex is 62 and he's marrying a 32 y/old this summer

Thanks for all the replies.
I appreciate it.

He buys me gifts quite often, not big things, just little gestures.
And he does listen to me and we have conversations outside of the working environment.

Yes I have a 3 year old DS.

He’s long divorced and lives alone. An adult son who he doesn’t see very often.

@Pearlofhearts,I suspect your feelings relate to the dissatisfaction in your relationship. Perhaps he has qualities that you need in your partner and you are seeking safety. How is your relationship with your own dad?

The reality of a 60 year old would be very different. I think you are not in love, just having feelings of displacement. It's why affairs are bad ideas as usually a distraction from reality.

‘ No I can’t imagine sex with him.
Maybe I love him in a ‘non sexual’ way, if there is such a thing.’

Yes, it’s called friendship! And yes, you can have crushes on friends.

He is kind to you and you are obviously a bit lonely and in need of some kindness. But OP, I would not trust this older man either. He can see your vulnerability. His buying presents for you is innappropriate. The fact that you feel embarrassed and confused about your relationship with him is also a big red flag.

I would step back from this friendship, and try to focus on what's happening with you and your partner. It sounds like you want to break up? Focus on how you do that, don't try to escape into a fantasy friendship or think someone is going to rescue you. Rescue yourself. You can do this, OP.

Put a stop to the gifts. It's inappropriate.

Knock it off OP. A 28 year age gap and a 3 year old with another guy. C’mon, this is a hot mess. Your relationship with DP may be in trouble but this is no solution.

Do you think it could just be a welcome distraction from your relationship issues?

Yes it’s probably a distraction.

What do I do about the gifts? I feel so ungrateful just giving them back to him. What can I say?

What is your relationship with your dad like?

I once dated a man of 68 when I was 26. He was gorgeous and I loved him but the age gap was huge and that is what came between us in the end. I do prefer younger men generally and am married to one but this man was really special to me. He looked after me and treated me well but we were both just at very different stages of life.

@Pearlofhearts

Yes it’s probably a distraction.

What do I do about the gifts? I feel so ungrateful just giving them back to him. What can I say?

Maybe don't say anything, but next time he gives you a gift, say "thank you, but I don't think it's appropriate to accept any more gifts from you."

Don't let him force you to accept, or guilt-trip you into it.

I would back off from him big time. You can be polite, but distant. If he confronts you about it, tell him you're busy. If he asks you to meet outside work, tell him no.