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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mums disgusting behaviour

49 replies

Candleropeheart · 21/03/2022 10:52

Posting for the traffic/outsiders opinions..

So very recently found out that my own mother (who I dont have great relationship with as it is due to treatment from her towards myself & my own kids) is wishing my dad dead.. because she wants his pensions,etc all in the will... (parents are separated but still married, dad would have more ill health than her too.)

I am absolutely disgusted with this, and im going No Contact now along with my brother who doesn't have much of a relationship with her either & which yes, given our relationships wont be too hard.. but my sister isn't going too.
(They have a better relationship, for now anyway)

Now I understand its her choice but she has new baby herself and knows how horrible she has been to my kids and both of us in the past yet is happy for her to be around her baby and then with knowing this info too is still ok with sitting down for chit chat and tea? Like one big happy family..(my sisters husband hates our mum)

Im just baffled, and tbh im physically sickened by it all.

Besides my brother, I can't be the only person who finds this behaviour disgusting, and struggles to understand why anyone would have the time of day for her after knowing this... AIBU?

OP posts:
Teeturtle · 21/03/2022 10:56

I would be putting my energy into helping my father reorganise his finances.

yoyo1234 · 21/03/2022 10:56

I think you need to look after your family and your brother is doing the same. If you let this eat you up it will fester and destroy the time you have with those you love. For your sake and your immediate family's sake try to concentrate on them .

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/03/2022 10:58

Tell your dad to divorce her? At least get the ball rolling.

SeasonFinale · 21/03/2022 10:59

Your sister is allowed to make her own choices so YABU about that.

Why mot suggest to your Dad that he should review his will if you think he wouldn't want your Mum to benefit from it. It is possible that they agreed not to go to the expense of a divorce provided that they would benefit from each other's wills.

Original poster
Candleropeheart · 21/03/2022 11:01

Mum wont divorce him. Dads tried already to divorce her, and therefore he wont change his will either for some backwards thinking that he feels he owes it to her for the years they were together..

OP posts:
PinkiOcelot · 21/03/2022 11:02

Is your dad aware of what she’s been saying? If not I would make him aware and encourage him to change his will.
With regards to your sister, there’s nothing you can do there. Perhaps she’ll realise and cut ties herself.

MayBMaybenot · 21/03/2022 11:03

Your father needs to divorce this woman asap. Does he know what she's saying?

Concentrate on getting your father some legal advice and support him through the necessary steps to sever his ties to your mother.

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/03/2022 11:04

You don’t need the other persons agreement to divorce them. What’s that all about? How long have they been separated? He needs to try again, whatever that means. He’s making a choice to stay married to her and he can make a different one to divorce her.

yoyo1234 · 21/03/2022 11:06

Can you go with your dad to a solicitor. He may we'll have suffered many years of emotional abuse at the hands of his wife, his confidence may be in pieces. He may wish to hand her everything to feel free right now, but may regret that later.

LizDoingTheCanCan · 21/03/2022 11:12

Are you in the UK? What do you mean by wishing him dead?

If they did divorce, she may well be entitled to some of his assets.

If he was to die, she may not receive as much as she expects. Some private pensions require that the married couple still be cohabiting in order for a spouses pension to be payable.

Your father needs to speak to a solicitor to explore the various outcomes. This needs to be free from all outside influences, and that includes you.

5128gap · 21/03/2022 11:18

If you don't want anything to do with your mother because of this, then just stop contacting her and if she asks to see you just tell her no because you don't like the things she's been saying. There is no need for all this drama about 'going no contact' surely? Just get on with it. Leave your siblings to make their own choices and see them or not as you see fit. No one can stop your mother saying these things, and her wishing him dead, as nasty as it is, isn't going to harm him. His will is his own affair, he's an adult and was married to the woman, so im sure he knows what she's like. Make life easy on yourself and stop giving headspace to what other people are up to.

burnoutbabe · 21/03/2022 11:21

well if they divorce, won't she also be allowed some of his pension anyway? or have they sorted out finances?

its not disgusting that she wants some of his assets, that would be normal in most divorces, even if she has a new baby with another - i assume these are 40something parents not 75 year olds who are near end of life.

Turningpurple · 21/03/2022 11:22

What exactly do you mean wishing him dead?

Your dad absolutely divorce if he wanted to. Where do you live that he tried?

I voted yabu, because you think your sister should do what you are doing and that is unreasonable.

Turningpurple · 21/03/2022 11:23

@burnoutbabe I think its the sister who has a baby.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 21/03/2022 11:26

Something doesn't add up here. He can divorce her if he wishes.

MulberryBush700 · 21/03/2022 11:30

Your sister may have her own reasons for not wanting to go NC with your mum. Maybe she is not able / ready to let go yet? has guilt etc but whatever it is, she needs to be the one making her own decision and as long as she is not pressuring you to change your relationship with your mum, you should leave her be.

You do what you think is best for your family, so did your brother but I'd not be holding a grudge against my sister for this. Yes, it all sounds wrong and your Mum clearly isn't a nice person but whether your Dsis is in touch with her or not is not your business.

burnoutbabe · 21/03/2022 11:31

[quote Turningpurple]@burnoutbabe I think its the sister who has a baby.[/quote]
ah yes, it wasn't clear

Well then if these are much older parents we are discussing (post working lives) then if they only split up recently and its not been split since childhood, then probably she should get the pension - does he support her now? so she'd be a dependant and can claim under the will and also from the pension company as any pay out is usually discretionary.

But really depends what happened when.

lechatnoir · 21/03/2022 11:39

If they've been separated for five years + or he is willing to cite unreasonable behaviour he doesn't need her permission to divorce.

I would focus your efforts on helping your father make a clean break and keep well away from your mother who sounds utterly toxic.

Original poster
Candleropeheart · 21/03/2022 11:45

I've never been divorced, just what dad has told me tbf. He has his own solicitor and was told unles she signed to say no financial interest in him hed hve to get legally divorced with financial advisors etc so im not entirely sure what hes been advised he has told us though she wont sign that and wont agree to divorce either...

They been separated for 7years. Mum has new partner she moved on very fast, been with him almost 6/7 yrs now and has bought a house with him too - 4 yrs ago.
Both parents still working, and neither has been financially reliable on each other since they moved out of the family home 7 yrs ago.

OP posts:
LizDoingTheCanCan · 21/03/2022 11:59

In what way has she been wishing him dead? I've seen plenty of comments on MN where people might seemingly wish their ex dead, but it is a flippant comment, not an intent to cause harm. What has she actually said/ done?

gobbynorthernbird · 21/03/2022 12:06

OK so your dad can get divorced, he just doesn't want your mum to have her rightful share of any marital assets.

Limer · 21/03/2022 12:07

Your father needs to divorce your mother. Lots of people get "legally divorced with financial advisors etc" - it's completely normal.

FlibbertyGiblets · 21/03/2022 12:13

@gobbynorthernbird

OK so your dad can get divorced, he just doesn't want your mum to have her rightful share of any marital assets.
I think you're onto something here.
AnneLovesGilbert · 21/03/2022 12:20

He can get divorced. Why wouldn’t your mum want to get divorced when she’s with someone else? The house she owns now will also go into the pot of assets so he might not end up as badly as he thinks.

If he divorces her he’ll give her some of his assets. If he’s married to her when he dies she’ll get the lot.

username9871028 · 21/03/2022 12:34

Yabu. It’s your sisters choice whether she does or doesn’t speak to her Mother. Put your energy into your own kids and helping your Father.