Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Mums disgusting behaviour

49 replies

Candleropeheart · 21/03/2022 10:52

Posting for the traffic/outsiders opinions..

So very recently found out that my own mother (who I dont have great relationship with as it is due to treatment from her towards myself & my own kids) is wishing my dad dead.. because she wants his pensions,etc all in the will... (parents are separated but still married, dad would have more ill health than her too.)

I am absolutely disgusted with this, and im going No Contact now along with my brother who doesn't have much of a relationship with her either & which yes, given our relationships wont be too hard.. but my sister isn't going too.
(They have a better relationship, for now anyway)

Now I understand its her choice but she has new baby herself and knows how horrible she has been to my kids and both of us in the past yet is happy for her to be around her baby and then with knowing this info too is still ok with sitting down for chit chat and tea? Like one big happy family..(my sisters husband hates our mum)

Im just baffled, and tbh im physically sickened by it all.

Besides my brother, I can't be the only person who finds this behaviour disgusting, and struggles to understand why anyone would have the time of day for her after knowing this... AIBU?

OP posts:

BOOTS52 · 21/03/2022 12:35

I think you can make your own decision but you cannot tell your sister what to do as that is very controlling. If she has some relationship with your mum that is her choice and sometimes it is easier to try to move on than to be bitter as it just eats you up and lives in your head for free. As for your dad's pension that is his choice to leave it to her and you can come across as grabby if you start asking him about his finances. My mum never divorced my father even though separated for years as she said she did not want to make the same mistake of marrying again and also an old fashioned thing and no she was not after my dad for cash either. Just try to move on and stop obsessing about it, sometimes people say things in the heat of the moment. Things happen in marriages and maybe your dad has some guilt there and it is his right to leave his pension to who he wants. I think you should talk to someone as you sound very angry and obviously things have happened with your mum and for you to move forward you need some closure or it will just make you ill thinking about it. We all have stuff that has happened I just live my life and have minimal contact with some who have caused me pain and do not discuss with other family members.

username9871028 · 21/03/2022 12:36

And if your dad is refusing to divorce her then I don’t see what your problem is? If he really wanted her out of the will he would divorce her.

NancyPickford · 21/03/2022 12:36

I thought if you have been separated for five years you can get divorced even if the other party doesn't want to.

gobbynorthernbird · 21/03/2022 12:38

@NancyPickford

I thought if you have been separated for five years you can get divorced even if the other party doesn't want to.

You can. But the assets of the marriage will still need to be divided.

Josette77 · 21/03/2022 12:41

He can divorce her but of course he needs to share marital assets. Why would she walk away with nothing?

ExtraOnion · 21/03/2022 12:54

Why did your parents split ? Was was the relationship like ? I guess none of us know what goes on, but they haven’t split up for no reason.

As for “wishing him dead” the context and the words said would be helpful

The only relationships you need concern yourself with, are the relationships you have control over. Do what’s right for you, and leave your sister to do what’s right for her.

Pixiedust1234 · 21/03/2022 13:05

Its quite normal for a person at the end of a longterm relationship to wish the other person dead. Maybe not nice but you don't know how badly your father treated your mother when they were together, only they actually know.

Sounds like your father is refusing to divorce your mother as that would mean giving her money that she is legally entitled to. So no fucking wonder she wants him dead! I think you are looking at the wrong parent for disgusting behaviour tbh

Turningpurple · 21/03/2022 13:10

This is what I am wondering.

Did the father 'try' and realised that she legally owns a chunk now and decided she could wait til he was dead?

Hoppinggreen · 21/03/2022 13:13

@Candleropeheart

Mum wont divorce him. Dads tried already to divorce her, and therefore he wont change his will either for some backwards thinking that he feels he owes it to her for the years they were together..

Well that’s up to him then and unless she has actual magical powers of death by wishing and/or you think she is plotting to kill him then you just need to focus on what you can actually control - which is your relationships with these people

CantGetDecentNickname · 21/03/2022 13:19

Surely after 7 years either party can get a divorce? Sounds like your DM is holding out to get everything, assuming he will die first. It is not in her interest to divorce as her house would be considered an asset and her DP as living with her may have to give information on their earnings/pension to be taken into consideration. She would get less this way.

YANBU to feel upset by her remarks, or feeling upset that your DSis is continuing a relationship with her, but you do need to let this go for your own sanity as you cannot change their behaviour. All you can do is change yours and avoidance is a good idea here.

I would recommend asking your DF to see a solicitor to check out what would happen in a divorce which may convince him to seek one or at least, change his will. I would let him know the strength of her feelings towards him and how you feel about it. That is about all you can do. After that, try not to discuss it with your DSis or DF again.

Blossom64265 · 21/03/2022 13:22

That isn’t how divorce works. He has to agree to a fair financial split as part of the divorce agreement. Most wives who were treated unfairly financially would express hatred towards their estranged husbands.

noirchatsdeux · 21/03/2022 13:34

Doesn't matter what your mother has done, what is so 'disgusting' - the law doesn't give a rat's ass about it. I have been divorced, and your father is talking a lot of shit.

They've been separated 7 years, either could legally divorce the other one at any time. The other one's permission is not needed now, it wasn't once they had been separated for 5 years.

As they are married, your father just can't walk away with all the marital assets. The law doesn't work that way, your mother is legally entitled to half.

My mother tried in court to get my father to walk away with nothing...she tried for 2 and a half years. Didn't work, the court ordered a 50/50 split of the assets. If my mother hadn't refused to accept that for so long, she would have at least £13K more than she got - the bank ended up taking that in fees as the mortgage hadn't been paid that whole time. They also forced her to accept the first offer made on the marital home.

noirchatsdeux · 21/03/2022 13:35

Oh and if your father dies before your mother, she'll get the lot, if they are still married.

tkwal · 21/03/2022 13:57

Your Dad can change his will although while they are still married she does have some rights in law. If he's delaying divorce to maintain some control over her and deny her something she's legally entitled to then he's running the risk that the rest of you will not receive anything when he dies (especially those who are NC with her) TBH as long as she's not actually actively trying to shorten his life there's not much you can do. Why did their marriage break down? There are always two sides to a story.Also, how do you know she's "wishing him dead" could someone be stirring things ?

whynotwhatknot · 21/03/2022 13:57

he can divorce her and she'll prob get 50/50 he doesnt need her permission

incognitoforthisone · 21/03/2022 13:58

Your dad's choice is to get a divorce, in which case your mum could get some of his assets while he's still alive, or not get a divorce, in which case your mum could get all his assets when he dies.That is very much his issue to resolve and not yours, so you would best to stay out of that.

You 'found this out' about what your mum said? So you weren't there and have just heard it second-hand from other people? Sounds to me like you're surrounded by people who like stirring and drama.

Your mum and dad presumably split for a reason, several years ago, and I assume they dislike each other. In that situation I can easily imagine someone saying 'He won't divorce me because he doesn't want me to have any of his money, so all I can hope for is that he dies before I do, haha'. Really not that big a deal.

You are more than entitled to stop seeing your mum for any reason you like, and so is your brother. Your sister is equally entitled to make her own choice about her relationship with her own mother.

None of this needs anything like this level of drama. Stop talking to your mum, stop letting other people relay things that she's said, and stop making this into a family feud where your sister has to take sides.

EmpressCixi · 21/03/2022 14:02

So very recently found out that my own mother (who I dont have great relationship with as it is due to treatment from her towards myself & my own kids) is wishing my dad dead..

Found out how? Who said this about your mother? If it’s your dad, then consider the source. Separated parents tend to say outrageous shit about each other in order to get the children on their side.

ReadyToMoveIt · 21/03/2022 14:08

hed hve to get legally divorced with financial advisors etc

That’s perfectly standard in a divorce where there are financial assets to split, as seems to be the case here. Why is he unwilling to go down this route? How long were they married?

Member869894 · 21/03/2022 14:27

I think you are being a bit naieve. Your father does not need your mum' permission or cooperation to divorce her so not going ahead is his choice. If she were my client and came to me saying that she was still married ai would simply advise her that as l long as she remains his wife she will be entitled , in the absence of a formal financial agreement or a will made in contemplation of divorce ,to his assets . Ge worth more to her dead than alive. Its up to your dad to do something, not her.

ChampagneLassie · 21/03/2022 14:30

@Candleropeheart

Mum wont divorce him. Dads tried already to divorce her, and therefore he wont change his will either for some backwards thinking that he feels he owes it to her for the years they were together..

In which case I'd stop worrying about it. NC your mum, your sister is a adult and can make her own choices. Focus on yourself

Member869894 · 21/03/2022 14:31

And it's not for you to tell your sister what to do or to judge her for seeing her mother so YABU

Member869894 · 21/03/2022 16:32

The more I read your comments the more I think is that the reality is that your father disentangle want to give your mum what she is 3ntitl3d to nor does he want to pay solicitors to sort it out. Your mum's solicitor has probably rightly told her that rather than divorce him and soend potentially tens of thousands in a possible contested Court case she would be financially better odlff doing nothing and if he dies cop the lot. Of course it works both ways. If your mother predeceased ypur father her assets will go to him if she hasn't made a will etc.your mum sounds as though she is being pragmatic and sensible rather than ' disgusting.'

Member869894 · 21/03/2022 16:33

Sorry about the typos but hopefully you get the gist!

Turningpurple · 21/03/2022 16:53

I really don't think you are looking at thus clearly.

Your Dad can get divorced. What he can't do is divorce her and keep all the assets. Thata the issue.

I wonder how much more of your mims 'disgusting behaviour' is actually just your Dad lying or twisting things?

Flip

1 2