Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my parents to move to my town?

37 replies

SixteenTwelve · 20/03/2022 18:34

DPs are looking to move to be closer to my brother and I and to release some money from their current house by moving to a cheaper area.

They have been looking at areas generally in between where I live and where DB lives but today they went to see a house in my town.

Context is I moved here with DP in the autumn and it is DPs home town so his parents and some of his friends live here. We have our own little life here that we really love. I feel like if they moved here I would be responsible for helping them to settle in and dealing with any issues. I also would feel like we couldn’t leave if we wanted to because they moved here to be with us.

I know DPs parents live here but I think that is different because:
-they were already here when we moved and have their own community and friends in the area
-they are generally a lot better than my parents at giving us our space.

I love my parents and see them probably once every 2-3 weeks and WhatsApp daily. AIBU to not want them to move on my doorstep?

OP posts:
Moody123 · 20/03/2022 18:41

I think unfortunately YABU
If it's any context my parents live 1.5 hours away and I see them more than my DP parents 20 mins away
They are grown adults and can move where they like and can sort things out themselves, if you feel they are getting in your way.. just say oh I would love to but I already have xxx plans , maybe next weekend

NorthSouthcatlady · 20/03/2022 18:55

I see where you’re coming from, in your shoes l wouldn’t be thrilled. My mum can be demanding and gets irate if her needs aren’t met immediately.
In your shoes l would start from the very beginning with boundaries e.g. them not turning up at your house, how involved on a day to day basis etc. I know if my mum moved to our town she would be wanting random favours on a Wednesday lunchtime and would then be put out we were busy. Errr because we both work full time and have our own lives

I think you should also make clear you may not live in that area forever so they’re clear about that

PinkFluffyUnicornSlippers · 20/03/2022 18:58

My mum lives with us so it could be worse 😆

LadyCordeliaFitzgerald · 20/03/2022 18:58

I would gently drop hints that you’re planning to move in a few years.

HouseofHolbein · 20/03/2022 19:02

We moved to a new area 200 miles away from family. In-laws eventually decided to relocate. Told husband they were going to view the house next door to us 😱 I said to him that we would be moving immediately if they did. He persuaded the to a village about 2 miles away right on the coast instead

HellToTheNope · 20/03/2022 19:04

I feel like if they moved here I would be responsible for helping them to settle in and dealing with any issues.

Your parents are adults, not children. They do fine without you now, I'm sure they can manage.

Original poster
SixteenTwelve · 20/03/2022 19:07

@NorthSouthcatlady

I see where you’re coming from, in your shoes l wouldn’t be thrilled. My mum can be demanding and gets irate if her needs aren’t met immediately. In your shoes l would start from the very beginning with boundaries e.g. them not turning up at your house, how involved on a day to day basis etc. I know if my mum moved to our town she would be wanting random favours on a Wednesday lunchtime and would then be put out we were busy. Errr because we both work full time and have our own lives

I think you should also make clear you may not live in that area forever so they’re clear about that

Thank you that’s exactly the worry really. I also am the sort of person who likes to keep parts of my life separate so the merging makes me uncomfortable
OP posts:
cptartapp · 20/03/2022 19:07

The do fine without you now. Roll on a few years when they're become older, frailer and one left alone. Increasingly likely not to manage. YANBU.
The money they free up can be used to buy in care and help though as needed. Presumably some of it is earmarked to put aside for that anyway as they prepare for older age.

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 20/03/2022 19:09

Start as you mean to go on and leave any decision making to them. Do not offer up help. Make it clear your time is taken up except the times you would see them usually..

DSGR · 20/03/2022 19:11

Just tell them - I love you dearly but we have our own life here and in laws have theirs…, if you moved between me and my brother we’d all have the best of both worlds.

Ionlydomassiveones · 20/03/2022 19:12

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Original poster
SixteenTwelve · 20/03/2022 19:12

@HellToTheNope

I feel like if they moved here I would be responsible for helping them to settle in and dealing with any issues.

Your parents are adults, not children. They do fine without you now, I'm sure they can manage.

At the moment sure as they are in early 60s. I don’t really want to be shouldering all the help as they get older.
OP posts:
NorthSouthcatlady · 20/03/2022 19:14

@SixteenTwelve l think that’s fair enough. Like a lot of us l can imagine you’re busy and need your down time. Keeping different part of your lives separate is fine

Original poster
SixteenTwelve · 20/03/2022 19:16

[quote NorthSouthcatlady]@SixteenTwelve l think that’s fair enough. Like a lot of us l can imagine you’re busy and need your down time. Keeping different part of your lives separate is fine[/quote]
Thank you xxx

OP posts:
Original poster
SixteenTwelve · 20/03/2022 19:17

@Ionlydomassiveones

The fact that you are nervous about it suggests that you don’t have robust boundaries in place. I’d work on that instead and then it wouldn’t matter if they moved in across the street - you’ll only give, or feel ‘responsible’ for, what you’re comfortable with.
Boundaries are a big issue and always have been to be fair. It is the same with both of my brothers - we discuss it regularly but none of us have ever managed to improve things significantly
OP posts:
Butchyrestingface · 20/03/2022 19:18

Meanwhile, over on Gransnet:

Mother of @SixteenTwelve: AIBU to be very firm with my children that us moving to the same town/nearby does NOT mean we will be on hand at the drop of a hat to provide round-the-clock free babysitting services? We have our own lives, thank you very much.

Wink
ImplementingTheDennisSystem · 20/03/2022 19:20

This wouldn't worry me with my inlaws because they would be self sufficient and would join in with community groups and so on. However, if it was my mum I'd be very concerned since she would rely on me to make a life happen for her.
Just small things could be stressful - like if you're cooking a roast for the two of you, is there the expectation that the parents get an invitation?

StoneofDestiny · 20/03/2022 19:23

Amazes me parents/IL's don't ask before they move to the areas their children live in. I'd ask mine what they thought about it - intuitively I'd assume it would be viewed intrusive. The very idea of viewing a house next door to adult children without them suggesting it is amazing.

1forAll74 · 20/03/2022 19:24

You will get older yourself in years to come, and may relish some family close by .

Original poster
SixteenTwelve · 20/03/2022 19:26

This is spot on.

DPs parents totally respect our space and boundaries. My parents get offended if we aren’t able to see them.

OP posts:
NorthSouthcatlady · 20/03/2022 19:30

@SixteenTwelve what kind of boundaries have you tried to introduce before? How have your parents reacted? I have been through this with my mum, she tried to escalate but l stand firm with the boundaries

MiniDaffodils · 20/03/2022 19:32

I totally get it OP and wouldn’t like it either. I also see things from 20 years ahead of you. When your parents get frail and elderly it’s actually an awful lot easier for you if they are nearby. Otherwise you end up driving half the day to get to them in order to visit them in hospital or help them with something, then driving half a day to get back home again.

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 20/03/2022 19:35

We moved to a new area when adult dd had already left home. She followed us!! Then ds bought a place near too!

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 20/03/2022 19:36

Pressed too soon. Tables are turned here because they expect to be waited on hand and foot when they come and are miffed if we are out!

Bluetrews25 · 20/03/2022 19:40

Mid 60s is not old. Why on earth would they want to move away from all their friends (assuming they have any!) and everything they know?
How far would they be moving?
It's a huge mistake to make your family your only friends.
Maybe you need a full and frank discussion about how you will not be available to them any more than you are now. But judging on your comment about how you and DB have failed to set boundaries before, this may not work!