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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think there's something going on at his school?

30 replies

RedRuby152 · 20/03/2022 13:26

My nephew who's just turned 6 has recently been excluded for a few days and by what the school says he deserves it as through this year he's been throwing furniture, jumping on tables, hitting out at other children.

The issue is we look after him several times a week and whilst he's not perfect with us he's polite, thoughtful in his actions and of others feelings. He's generally happy and can get excited and doesn't get out of control the same as when he's sad, the moments he can have a wobble they last a minute or two but theres been no hint of throwing furniture or the like.

We obviously ask about it and he clams up. Hes gone from liking school to faking illness to try and stay home. There seems to be instances where because he now has a reputation a child has hurt him and he gets punished the same as the other child, and now even when he's good in the morning they take him out of the afternoon just in case he misbehaves so even when hes good he gets punished.

I'm not saying he's perfect but AIBU to think there's something happening at his school this year to make his behaviour so bad? how likely is it that he's so terrible at school but consistently does a 180 out of school for extended periods of time?

OP posts:

yellowbridgebang · 20/03/2022 13:28

This is exactly how my son was at 6 and it progressively got worse. He was diagnosed with autism and everything became a whole lot clearer as to why he was acting that way in that environment only.

TeenPlusCat · 20/03/2022 13:30

He could easily be becoming overloaded at school from all the sensory input, but cope in quieter surroundings.

Morph22010 · 20/03/2022 13:37

My son was exactly like this when he went into year one. I don’t think I appreciated at the time how bad things were at school cus we were fine at home, and school thought I was I denial as I was saying he behaved fine at home. He was diagnosed with autism just before his 6th birthday. Looking back it was all the sensory input, along with the demands and getting upset at things not being completely fair. My son met all his milestones and academically was ahead of age related expectations. Looking back he also lacked the social skills that other kids have, so if something had been say a 50-50 incident or something not his fault, and another child tried to put blame on him instead of explaining what happened he’d just go into a complete meltdown

FrustratedTeddyLamp · 20/03/2022 13:38

I haven't been in a children's classroom since I was a child. Would it really overload him sensually ( is that the right word?) Compared to say him, his brother and sister all playing loud? It gets louder when others come to visit as well and he's still generally fine.

They are thinking he could be autistic, I am mostly uninformed but I would have assumed there would be behavioural issues at other times if that was the cause?

FrustratedTeddyLamp · 20/03/2022 13:41

The point about things not being 100% fair strikes a chord. His most recent incident was after being good for the morning and being taken out in the afternoon.

TeenPlusCat · 20/03/2022 13:41

Classroom have very busy walls.
They have 30 children and a couple of adults.
The adults randomly make you stop what you were in the middle of to do something else.
Other children bug you by being noisy, or taking the pencil you want, or pushing in front of you.
Possibly bright lighting.
Strange smells too.

Pinkflipflop85 · 20/03/2022 13:43

@FrustratedTeddyLamp

They are thinking he could be autistic, I am mostly uninformed but I would have assumed there would be behavioural issues at other times if that was the cause?

Classrooms are overwhelming places. There can be times when 30 children are all talking. There are different colours all over the wall with all sorts of different information. Some classrooms will also have things hanging from the ceiling. The interactive whiteboard is a constant visual. The chairs can be uncomfortable, the carpet can be uncomfortable. Uniform can be uncomfortable.

Demands are constantly being put on you as a child and there is no escape.

00100001 · 20/03/2022 13:43

It's actually probably something at home

Comedycook · 20/03/2022 13:46

Why do you look after him several times a week? Are there problems at home?

TeenPlusCat · 20/03/2022 13:48

I think that what can happen is families of ND children make adjustments for their child without hardly realising it. My DD2 doesn't like noisy busy places - so guess what - we don't choose to go to cities, shopping centres etc except on rare occasions. At home both my DDs needed routine and clear boundaries, so that's what we did.

FrustratedTeddyLamp · 20/03/2022 13:49

@Comedycook

Why do you look after him several times a week? Are there problems at home?

No problems at home, just different working schedules have meant at different times there's been gaps in childcare and I'm free at those times.

Blossombouquet · 20/03/2022 13:50

I agree he could find school overwhelming.

Are school actively trying to work with you to get to the cause of it?

Have they mentioned any possibility of neurodiversity?

My eldest would find it desperately hard to be treated differently to everyone else.

Can you change schools? Give him the opportunity for a fresh start?

BluebellStreet · 20/03/2022 13:56

It's not that there is something 'going on' at school, it's that you can't compare the two situations at all.

Do you make him sit down and listen while you read a book about Florence Nightingale?
If he says he wants a drink if water do you say 'no, not until we've done speed sounds for three minutes'?
Do you have 24 other children bumbling around the place?
Do you ring loud bells and then make him line up and go into an even more boring room and listen to a woman talking about Noah's ark?

Whatafielddayfortheheat · 20/03/2022 13:57

This is actually fairly typical of ND children OP, school is sensory overload often.

FrustratedTeddyLamp · 20/03/2022 13:58

@BluebellStreet

It's not that there is something 'going on' at school, it's that you can't compare the two situations at all.

No obviously not and I try to be impartial as possible as I know it's obvious I'd have bias to see the best in him but I'd just expect to see some of the behavioural issues but see no similar issues

Blomme · 20/03/2022 14:00

@yellowbridgebang Please could you tell me what steps the school took to help your son? Especially explaining when an incident has occurred in the playground? We've having similar issues at the moment. Son was told off last week for pushing other kids away, the reason was that they'd really hurt him (slamming him to the ground, scratching up his face etc) but he is unable to explain.

BluebellStreet · 20/03/2022 14:02

Do you think the school are lying? Or that they are doing something to set off this behaviour?

Blomme · 20/03/2022 14:05

@Morph22010 apologies, that question was for you. What did the school do to help him explain what had happened? How did he show/ tell his side of the story? Thanks.

Morph22010 · 20/03/2022 14:07

@FrustratedTeddyLamp

They are thinking he could be autistic, I am mostly uninformed but I would have assumed there would be behavioural issues at other times if that was the cause?

My son struggles more when there is a lot of noise at same time, rather than just say one or two children being loud like at home. I don’t think he can focus onto the one sound say like we would do if we were chatting to someone in a busy pub for example so he hears everything at once, that’s what’s overwhelming. At that age we didn’t see any extreme behaviours outside of school although things have escalated as he’s got older

FrustratedTeddyLamp · 20/03/2022 14:07

Ahh seen that NC fail between OP and replies as went back on the app. But

I don't think the school are lying but I think there may be contributing factors and for example I can understand his upset if for example a child is mean to him and they both get punished and because when he's punished the procedure has become to take him out of the class, so he was taken out of the class for an hour because another child was mean to him.

It sounds Incredulous to me but it was checked with the teacher

Morph22010 · 20/03/2022 14:12

[quote Blomme]@Morph22010 apologies, that question was for you. What did the school do to help him explain what had happened? How did he show/ tell his side of the story? Thanks.[/quote]
To be honest the school weren’t great and just automatically used to blame him if another child said he’d done something, things then sometimes used to come out later at home when he was calmer which indicated things werent quite like what they’d said or he did have one ta who worked with him who was amazing and he’d speak to. I was abit nieve early on and thought kids with Sen got help in school when needed but really looking back all his school ever wanted was to get him out. I ended up getting him an ehcp with full time 1-1 in mainstream but it still didn’t work out and he moved to specialist in year 4 which looking back was the best thing I ever did and wish I’d fought for it sooner

yellowbridgebang · 20/03/2022 14:16

@Blomme tbh, the school didn't. They were useless looking back. Ds was to blame for everything but once we knew he was autistic it was very easy to see why everything was falling apart for him at school.

He was placed in an autism specialist school and all the school based issues evaporated over night. He's thriving now rather than failing.

Morph22010 · 20/03/2022 14:16

Did they get the proper paperwork for the exclusion? Make sure they get that whenever he is excluded and there should be a reintegration meeting when he goes back, ask the school what they are going to put in place to avoid further exclusions. School might try and informally exclude and pretend they are doing you a favour so it doesn’t go down on his record but you need the exclusions to be formal to help in the long run and it’s actually the school that gets judged if they have a lot of exclusions so they sometimes don’t want them to be formal.

User65412 · 20/03/2022 14:20

Are you sure he's being taken out of class for an hour as punishment? That seems unusual at age 6. What's he doing in that hour?
In my school, if we know a child finds the environment too stimulating and it will negatively impact their behaviour (which is often worse in the afternoon when there's less structure), they may be taken out for an hour to do a quiet activity they enjoy with a TA or a structured intervention that helps them with cope with different situations.
What do the school say to his parents? Why do you look after him so much?

Morph22010 · 20/03/2022 14:26

@00100001

It's actually probably something at home

Why would you say that?

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