Leaving 10 month old who is BF to sleep - AIBU

[NoMoreCocoMelonPlease]

Hi all,

I am just looking for some reassurance - please no nasty comments, i deleted my old account as people can be so nasty on here for no reason and I am feeling really anxious and just need some words of wisdom.

I have a 10 month old baby girl and a 5 yo boy and since being on mat leave I have retrained in a course for a career I have always wanted to do. I am about to do my last 5 days practical for the course (split over 2 weeks). This will open up a huge new opportunity for me to earn a much much higher income then I have ever earnt before.

Previously my practical days were in half term so both kids went to my mums and stayed for 2 nights. Husband works long hours and can’t easily get time off. He can manage easier with older child as he can leave the office in time to do the school run and then work from home but can’t realistically work from home with a baby.

So 5yo and hubby will stay at home. I will drive baby 2.5 hours to my mums house for her to stay and then from my mums it’s a further 3 hours to the city that my course is in. Once iv done these few days it’s all over and I won’t have to go away anymore.

Baby knows my mum well but here’s my issue - baby BF’s to sleep and when she wakes up to resettle. My mum had a hard time settling her on the first of the few nights she stayed but the subsequent nights were easier each time.

My mum would be having baby for the full stretch so about 9 nights as I currently can’t afford to do the trip back and forth every few days due to it being so costly in petrol and so far to drive.

Baby does eat solids really well and my mum can mix her milk in with her food. Apart from struggling with bedtime she is always happy at my mums.

I am really anxious as 10 days is a long time. I have a few days break over the weekend so if baby really struggles I will drive back and stay until I need to go again but I will have to get a small loan as I currently can’t afford that many round trips.

I am rambling as I’m feeling crappy so I don’t know if this makes sense. I feel anxious about leaving baby incase she refuses her milk and gets stressed - will she think I have abandoned her? My mum knows it may be a challenge but really wanted to help and my course can’t be re arranged. I have never been away from her for this long obviously.

So AIBU to leave baby who is breastfed to sleep with my mum for 10 days?

YABU - baby has stayed with your mum before and was ok although it wasn’t for as many nights. She will be ok and you can face time

YANBU - you can’t leave baby with your mum, she will refuse her milk and will find settling at night hard with not being able to breastfeed. 10 days is too long

I just want to know I am doing the right thing!

Have you got time before hand to get baby used to taking a night time bottle? It sounds like a really tricky situation, I would definitely go to your mums over the weekend as I do think 10 nights is too long. Surely your milk supply would be affected, even if you're pumping regularly. If you don't have a choice though you will get through it and it will be worth it in the long run.

How much time do you have to get her used to it? She should be able to start learning to self settle now

It's your choice but it's not something I would do. It's a really long time for a baby who is used to you being there - not just because of the milk. I'd try and work out a way you can break it up.
Either your mum and baby come and stay in the same city for some of it with you or you go down to hers?

If you do leave her it might well end your breastfeeding relationship too - so I'd think how you feel about that too.

I dont think you can know until you go. If your mum says baby is fine for the first couple of days then don't travel back over weekend. If she is struggling then do.

Why can't your DH take care of the baby and DS?

Thank you all for your messages - I have tried to get her used to it before hand but routine has been off as children both had chicken pox and then caught covid. Both over it now but it unsettled our normal routine.

Mum can’t come with me - my step dad has Parkinson’s and can do most things on his own but needs her there to support with small things. She isn’t comfortable leaving him. He’s in the early stages of it so isn’t too affected yet.

Good point about the milk supply! I do have 2x Elvie pumps so will be taking them. I only planned to breastfeed until baby was about 1, so I mean if it ended early it wouldn’t be too awful. I think itl always be hard to stop and I’d feel guilty no matter when but I would also like a bit of freedom and not to be bitten all the time now she has teeth! Haha

Husband can’t have the baby as he is in the office during the day but can leave for the school run and then finish the afternoon at home - he is newish to the company and running a department so is a difficult time. He did try and sort the time off but because of the nature of the business it just isn’t possible at the moment.

I totally hear what you are all saying about it being too long. I think if it was me reading this post I would say the same. I truely feel like an awful mum but I am just trying to do my best. I think maybe I will take out a small loan and travel back Thursday after my course and stay until the Monday when I leave again? Will have to leave at 5am due to traffic and distance but might make it easier for baby?

I had to leave my 6 mo BF baby for 6 days and kept my supply up successfully by pumping so it can definitely be done. I made sure he was happy on a bottle before I left, and he was absolutely fine. I think I found it harder than he did!
Might coming back in the middle actually being a bit confusing, especially if she’s settling ok with your DM?
You’ll always get people on here saying they didn’t leave their DC until they were teenagers, but you have a good reason so I’d go for it (but try to prepare as well as you can).
Good luck!

When is this going to be? Start getting baby used to a bottle right now so it’s gradual rather than a sudden 10 days out of nowhere.

I am probably not seeing the full picture but I don't get how you decided you can afford a second child child and have things like an elvie breast pump which costs £££ but can't afford to drive your car on a 6 hour trip?

Can you really not afford petrol to go see your baby? 10 days is a bit long.

Ultimately if you have no choice you have no choice but I'd be working to find funds to visit the baby

@Totalwasteofpaper

I am probably not seeing the full picture but I don't get how you decided you can afford a second child child and have things like an elvie breast pump which costs £££ but can't afford to drive your car on a 6 hour trip?

Can you really not afford petrol to go see your baby? 10 days is a bit long.

Ultimately if you have no choice you have no choice but I'd be working to find funds to visit the baby

Because expenses have been unexpectedly high this month - financially we are fine however we had something unexpected come up that was unavoidable this month and petrol prices have also gone through the roof given the current circumstances. I don’t feel like you need to be so judgy - how do you know the Elvie pumps weren’t gifted or brought on finance?

@Grumpysister

I had to leave my 6 mo BF baby for 6 days and kept my supply up successfully by pumping so it can definitely be done. I made sure he was happy on a bottle before I left, and he was absolutely fine. I think I found it harder than he did! Might coming back in the middle actually being a bit confusing, especially if she’s settling ok with your DM? You’ll always get people on here saying they didn’t leave their DC until they were teenagers, but you have a good reason so I’d go for it (but try to prepare as well as you can). Good luck!

Thank you this has made me feel a lot better to know I am not the only one ♥️🙏

Maybe your right about coming back in the middle being confusing. I hadn’t thought about it like that but yes it might be unsettling.

You have made me feel a lot more confident so thank you so much for sharing and I’m glad your little one found it ok when you did it! ♥️

Don't feel bad Op,you're doing your best for your families future.
Ten days is not a long time in reality and your baby will be safe happy and well cared for,concentrate on that and in a few months you'll look back and be glad you did it.
Good luck 🌈

I think it’s fine, especially seeing as you’re doing something very important and beneficial for your family’s future, not just going away for a holiday. Your baby will be well cared for with someone who loves her.
Going back in the middle may actually be more confusing and unsettling for her IMO. Especially if she has just begun to settle with your mum and then has you leave again. (I worked a long time as a nanny and kids were always absolutely fine when parents left and a nightmare when they got back, I think to try and punish them for leaving!)
But I would say you should get her used to a bottle and some self soothing before she goes if possible.

I wasn't being "judgey" I prefaced it with "I am probably not seeing the full picture" eg your financial circumstances may well have changed.

The petrol for my car to do that would be about 20p per mile. So £70ish for a return trip assuming about 120 miles each way.

If it's one month financial shortfall I'd make the trips to your mother's and just dip into the over draft and make it back up next month

Honestly it will be fine. Your mum will manage and your baby will adjust and you are doing the right thing.

I don’t think a 3 hour trip there and back every day is doable. If that is what @Totalwasteofpaper was meaning, on top of a training course that would be a lot. I may have the wrong end of the stick there though!

As your dd is older can you start to work before then on weaning her off the bedtime milk, as people have said , best option. I’d visit at the weekend but you know your child best as whether it will help or not.

Have you thought about renting a place nearby to the course for your DM and her partner to be with your dd and you can go back there every night instead of the hotel which I assume you are staying in? Just thinking that maybe a hotel will be 150£ plus per night so renting a cottage / city apartment nearby might be doable?

I would definitely come back Thu to Mon. I think it's a long time to be away otherwise, for your baby AND your mum. Would you not be able to save on accommodation or food if you were away less nights? Tbh if I was your mum having disturbed nights and looking after my partner with Parkinsons, I'd be a bit hurt if you didn't come back over that weekend. Can you figure out a way to raise the cash for fuel? Sell something etc or get a loan from family? Do you have a credit card?

Ignore the judgy post from @Totalwasteofpaper about your finances. There can be all sorts of reasons that finances change.

As you say you're okay financially in general - would it be possible to borrow money from your mum for petrol rather than taking out a loan?

I would go back at least every other day to see the baby and stay at your mums. 10 days is so long and 2 1/2 hours isn’t that bad

this is a very short term sacrifice for a long term solution that will benefit your family financially, and you mentally. Do it. If your mum is on board and happy to take care of the baby, go for it. People are vile on here but the reality of life is some mothers have to do things they'd rather not do for a better long term plan. All the best OP

You haven’t answered when this is supposed to happen, but if you have the time you should try and stop bfing to sleep as a priority to make it easier on your mum and baby.

Can you just drive to your mums from Thursday night - Monday morning rather than actually travel home and back again?
If the course stops on Thursday and resumes the best week surely hotel expenses aren’t covered over the weekend?

I mean if there a I choice and you have to be gone for 10 days for work then fine, you have to do what you have to do. Just looking for alternatives since you seem to want them.

That's an awful lot to expect of your mum who is presumably getting on in age and already a full time Carer. I think your husband should be looking after both children and you should be coming back over the weekend

Can your DH not take annual leave? I know you said he works long hours etc, but surely he still has the same AL requirement. And it's March so either it's about to reset or it's not that far into the year so he should have some.

I think your husband should help out a bit more - the baby is his responsibility more than your mums after all though it’s great that she is helping. I would ask my husband to take at least a couple of days leave during this period to lessen the burden on your mum. I would see if there is a way for him to collect the baby for the weekend and for you to come home for the weekend too in the middle to give your mum some respite.