Leaving 10 month old who is BF to sleep - AIBU

[NoMoreCocoMelonPlease]

Hi all,

I am just looking for some reassurance - please no nasty comments, i deleted my old account as people can be so nasty on here for no reason and I am feeling really anxious and just need some words of wisdom.

I have a 10 month old baby girl and a 5 yo boy and since being on mat leave I have retrained in a course for a career I have always wanted to do. I am about to do my last 5 days practical for the course (split over 2 weeks). This will open up a huge new opportunity for me to earn a much much higher income then I have ever earnt before.

Previously my practical days were in half term so both kids went to my mums and stayed for 2 nights. Husband works long hours and can’t easily get time off. He can manage easier with older child as he can leave the office in time to do the school run and then work from home but can’t realistically work from home with a baby.

So 5yo and hubby will stay at home. I will drive baby 2.5 hours to my mums house for her to stay and then from my mums it’s a further 3 hours to the city that my course is in. Once iv done these few days it’s all over and I won’t have to go away anymore.

Baby knows my mum well but here’s my issue - baby BF’s to sleep and when she wakes up to resettle. My mum had a hard time settling her on the first of the few nights she stayed but the subsequent nights were easier each time.

My mum would be having baby for the full stretch so about 9 nights as I currently can’t afford to do the trip back and forth every few days due to it being so costly in petrol and so far to drive.

Baby does eat solids really well and my mum can mix her milk in with her food. Apart from struggling with bedtime she is always happy at my mums.

I am really anxious as 10 days is a long time. I have a few days break over the weekend so if baby really struggles I will drive back and stay until I need to go again but I will have to get a small loan as I currently can’t afford that many round trips.

I am rambling as I’m feeling crappy so I don’t know if this makes sense. I feel anxious about leaving baby incase she refuses her milk and gets stressed - will she think I have abandoned her? My mum knows it may be a challenge but really wanted to help and my course can’t be re arranged. I have never been away from her for this long obviously.

So AIBU to leave baby who is breastfed to sleep with my mum for 10 days?

YABU - baby has stayed with your mum before and was ok although it wasn’t for as many nights. She will be ok and you can face time

YANBU - you can’t leave baby with your mum, she will refuse her milk and will find settling at night hard with not being able to breastfeed. 10 days is too long

I just want to know I am doing the right thing!

What you’re doing is great, but yes I do think a 10 day stretch is too long at that age. Definitely try to get the money from somewhere (can you sell something on eBay?) or get a 0% credit card to go and see your mum/ stay over at the weekend. It won’t kill her if you have to do it but it absolutely won’t be fun for your mum or the baby and I suspect it will be very difficult for you.

Could you sell the elvie pumps if you’re not planning on bf for long and need the cash desperately?

It sounds like you are doing a wonderful thing for your family's future. Yes, it won't be easy necessarily, but it does sound like it's worth it. And I say this as the mother of a 14 month old who still BF to sleep. Are there other ways your baby will settle? With us, co-sleeping, cuddling and rocking all work too. Could you try a few of these in place of a BF during the night? Have a try to see what works? Will your baby take milk from a cup? But cereal, porridge etc are other ways to deliver it, even mixed in with other foods like potato, eggs, even pasta! If your mum is happy to help and has a good relationship with your baby, it seems worth a try. It's not like this is some holiday. It's very important! X

Sometimes needs must and it sounds like this is one of those times. You and your mum are going into this eyes open and you have a Plan B to return at the weekend if needed. It is easy for other people to be critical when they are not faced with the situation.

I am very proud of you for wanting a better future for your family...
10 days will whiz by and your Mama is fully on board
.........................
Good Luck...sounds like an exciting adventure for the next chapter in your life.

Do what you have to do for work. Your mum will cope and she can call of she isnt.

I don’t think you should feel awful, you’re doing this for you & your family and it’s a one off.
I would however go back for the weekend, 10 days is a really long time , not only for your baby, but also for your Mum, who will no doubt say it’s fine but is also caring to some extent for your stepfather?
Yes your baby might be a little confused with the situation but seeing you for 3 days in between is always going to be a better option I think
Alternatively could you book somewhere for your Mum & stepfather to stay with you & the baby near the course ? Make it easier on everyone and your Mum could have a break on the weekend in a new place ?
I know finances are tight but I’d borrow money if possible to get back for the weekend if you don’t change accommodation- hope it goes well!

I think if your planning to stop feeding by 1 Yr old then this is ideal opportunity. It would confuse baby to suddenly appear mid visit and start feeding again and probably make it harder on your mum to get her settled again after you left. She won't expect your mum to breastfeed her and will probably settle better for her than you! I breastfed three but vowed to stop before one as I saw how difficult it was to stop later with friend's babies. My first fell asleep one night after we had been out for the day without a breastfeed so decided to do it then, coincidentally he was 10 months old. Sent husband to him if he woke and honestly he'd forgotten all about it in a couple of days. I never used bottles, he was already drinking from sippy cup at 3 months old. It really is much easier to stop breast feeding at that age so long as they are good eaters. Don't feel guilty about it, you are doing your best for your family and she's had it when she needed it most!

What a Saint your mum is. Take the most of the opportunity ✨️

I would be thinking about taking the baby and hiring a childminder for when you're at the course.

I personally couldn't do this. Sorry. Not sure what to suggest but there must be an alternative.

Have you ever tried your baby with any other milk? Mine were EBF but perfectly happy with formula if I wasn't around.

If the course is only 5 days over 2 weeks, I don't understand why your mum is having the baby for 9 days? Can't you bring her home in the middle of the 2 and 3 days?

Don't feel guilty or bad - you're doing the right thing for you and your family. But you do need to find a solution that works best for everyone involved.

I’m sorry but I think that’s just an incredibly ridiculous ask of your poor Mum!! Her husband has Parkinson’s and you want to have her look after a baby who won’t easily settle for 10 days!? This is the sort of thing you need to sort out with your husband.

And if you are really intent on putting your Mum through this then FFS you break the BF’ing to sleep habit now and don’t leave it to your Mum, who has enough on her plate to deal with.

@Wannakisstheteacher. I'm sure her 'poor' mum is perfectly capable of letting it be known if she has a problem with the request...