To Wonder About Separate Bedrooms?

[MrsLegend]

I've read a number of posts on here about people having separate bedrooms to their partner, despite being in a happy relationship.

I wonder how many people realistically do this, the reason behind it (ie snoring) and whether it's beneficial?

I suppose I've always thought that it's something couples do when they get elderly so as not to disturb each other in the night, but it seems that couples of all ages do it!

We have separate rooms and have had for most of our married life even before children.

I am a terrible sleeper and have suffered from insomnia since I was 15. I never close the windows, don't have curtains/blinds, have a 4.5 lightweight duvet or sheet, get up and down several times a night and average 4-5 hours actual sleep.

DH sleeps really well for a good 8hrs a night, the room is pitch black, all doors and windows closed, black out blinds and curtains at the windows and 15tog duvet summer and winter. I feel suffocated in there.

We have been married for almost 40yrs and have only shared the same room when we had a super king bed and the children co slept with us for about 2yrs.

It has no impact on our life at all apart from everyone getting what they need as far as sleep goes.

@Blueberryflavour

I think the main reason it tends to be older couples who have separate rooms is a purely practical one, it’s only when your kids move out that you have an available spare room. That certainly was the case for us, we would have done it years before if we had the space. DH is an early to bed, early to rise person and I’m the opposite so we would have been disturbing each other. Happy to share on holiday.

Same here with us. Plus he snores and I am menopausal so works for us.

I have a few friends who don't share a bedroom for various reasons , it works for them so a non issue

Each to their own

We are mid 40s and have slept in separate rooms for several years now.

Not elderly. Not really snorers. Just like the space.

I would love
To have separate bedrooms. I think it would be great for us. Sadly we don’t have a spare room.

Had my own room for years. I love it, it's like a giant hug when I go in and close the door.

It definitely hasnt affected my sex life. Those who need a bed for sex need to have a bit more imagination imo.

Best thing we ever did. He snores, I have insomnia. Like others, I spent many a night almost weeping with exhaustion, unable to drop off and seriously fantasising about holding a pillow over his face.

I've also been through menopause, the hot sweats, the getting up every couple of hours for a wee, the waking at 4.00am and being unable to drop off again. I'd hate to share a bed with someone else throughout all this.

The only downside, in my opinion, is I now loathe to go away anywhere. I hate staying at the in-laws, sharing a tiny double bed with a snoring DH for several days at a time. I'm desperate to get back to my King Sized bed and own room. It also means however luxurious the hotel we stay in it guarantees me a shitty night's sleep compared to what I would get at home. This means I don't want to go on holiday, I don't want to stay with friends, I don't fancy a weekend away. Covid has put the brakes on much of this but DH is now beginning to make suggestions again about 'a nice break'.

Except it isn't 'a nice break' if you're sleep deprived for days on end. It's a holiday in hell.

We have official separate bedrooms now. I used to end up in the spare room because of snoring so often and it was really effecting my MS. When I had a flare up I just moved to the spare room. The spare room in now MY room and our old bedroom is HIS room. I think it has helped our relationship. My sleep doesn't get disturbed other than from my bladder so I'm not a grumpy cow as often in the morning. We still "visit" every now and then. We go to sleep at roughly the same time. I go to bed and listen to a book and dh watches a wee bit more tv and then goes to bed with no screens/phone.
I think there is a bit of a stigma about it. We don't really like to mention it to other people.

He snores. But we go to bed an hour earlier than we might and watch TV in "my" room and then he goes away. In the morning he brings me a cup of tea and then gets back in!

We sleep separately but always go to bed together. We still have sex often and are close.

Interestingly I was talking to my mum about this today. Her and my dad had a long and mostly happy marriage (50 years) but slept in separate rooms for maybe the last 20ish years. Essentially when kids had moved out and mum was menopausal.

She said today that looking back it made her sad that they'd done that. It was due to sleep disturbances (dad a snorer and a massive fidget, she was a very light sleeper anyway then meno disrupted her even more). She felt they did lose some of the connection/closeness that they had before. It was needed at the time and of course they needed sleep but it wasn't consequence free (clearly my parents only had sex twice in the dark with their eyes shut so it wasn't that ;))

Been together 17 year separate rooms for 2 years now (we're late 30s). Total game changer, wish we'd done it earlier! Hasn't impacted our sex life, still have plenty of snuggles, sometimes we watch Netflix on the tablet in my bed before he goes to his room. He brings me breakfast in bed because he wakes up way earlier than me, he usually hops in with me then too.
It means I can read for as long as I want. He can get up to pee during the night. He can make as many weird creaking noises as he wants and I can snore away to my heart's content.
Very much in a happy loving relationship.

We don’t have separate rooms but we have a zip and link bed. It means that the beds zip together and are pretty much twin beds. It’s so much more comfy as we have our own defined space and we even have our own double duvets on a SuperKing bed. Do what feels right for you. We’re late thirties/early forties.

Separate rooms here due to really loud snoring (him) and we're late 40s. Works so well at home as apart from the snoring I'm early to bed and early to rise and he's the opposite.

The only issue is on holiday I can't share a room with him so we always have to book 2 hotel rooms and not a family room which is expensive

I have suggested he addresses the snoring issue with the gp but it falls on deaf ears

rhowton - how does always going to bed together work? Do you get tired at the same time or do you just automatically go to bed at the same time each evening? I can go to bed anytime between 9pm & midnight and I wouldn't assume my DH is tired at the same time.

Bizarrely, despite having separate rooms, we always go up to bed at the same time. DH goes to sleep way earlier than me, but for some reason won't go up to bed before me. 😅

It’ll work for some but not for others like everything. We sleep separately most of the time. I go to bed late, he goes early. It works fine. I’m not a snuggles at ALL never have been. There’s plenty of sex still!

I sleep in with youngest DC and OH the eldest. I don't want to go back to sharing a bed. He snores and I'm up a lot at night, so we wouldn't sleep well. I'm dreading going back to sharing to be honest.

@MadMadMadamMim

Best thing we ever did. He snores, I have insomnia. Like others, I spent many a night almost weeping with exhaustion, unable to drop off and seriously fantasising about holding a pillow over his face.

I've also been through menopause, the hot sweats, the getting up every couple of hours for a wee, the waking at 4.00am and being unable to drop off again. I'd hate to share a bed with someone else throughout all this.

The only downside, in my opinion, is I now loathe to go away anywhere. I hate staying at the in-laws, sharing a tiny double bed with a snoring DH for several days at a time. I'm desperate to get back to my King Sized bed and own room. It also means however luxurious the hotel we stay in it guarantees me a shitty night's sleep compared to what I would get at home. This means I don't want to go on holiday, I don't want to stay with friends, I don't fancy a weekend away. Covid has put the brakes on much of this but DH is now beginning to make suggestions again about 'a nice break'.

Except it isn't 'a nice break' if you're sleep deprived for days on end. It's a holiday in hell.

The holiday thing! I hear you!

I now book Airbnb’s with an extra bedroom and pay more, so I can have my own room, or I don’t go as it’s not a holiday being sleep deprived!

We are currently in separate rooms, which I vastly prefer. He moves too much and breathes too loudly(!) and weirdly, breathes at double the rate I do when relaxed. It is strangely unrelaxing to listen to! He is perfectly well and fairly physically fit (CV-wise) so I don't understand why.

Any advice as to how to manage this as our kids get older. At present, they go to bed before us and are asleep before any sex occurs in DH's room, after which I retire to my own. But this will look obvious and cringey to the kids as they get older and stay up later.

I've name changed for this.

I'm actually the one that snores LOUDLY although my husband and I share a bedroom.

Years ago I had checks for sleep apnea. The consultant said that I didn't have it but am "a severe simple snorer". He actually couldn't believe the amount of times I snore at night and asked how my husband managed to sleep in the same room!

I ended up having my uvula removed and stents put in my soft palette to stop the vibrations.

Realistically it hasn't improved much. Embarrassingly my snoring is so loud that it also wakes me up (and a visitor who slept downstairs in our house)!

My husband wears earplugs at night.

I may offer to sleep in a different room!