Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Going out when child is ill

43 replies

BlossomRussosHatCollection · 19/03/2022 14:29

I'm reaching out to Mumsnet for a measured and gentle assessment of whether I would be the worst mother in the world if I left my poorly child to go out for dinner tonight.

She's 2, coming up 3. She's definitely peaky. Temperature last night, sick once this morning, off her food. She's moderately perky when awake (tantrums still gale force) but periodically falling asleep on me. We were due to go out with friends tonight, and my parents were going to babysit. They were still happy to do it, but DH has said he doesn't want to, but he doesn't mind if I do.

I need Mumsnet input because DH and I do not see eye to eye on childhood illnesses, and that coupled with general mum guilt means I am no longer confident of my own judgement.

I think she has some kind of unpleasant virus (negative LFTs, before anyone suggests that) and in a day or two she'll be better. DH is worried because DH is always worried. I think she'd be okay if we left her and we'd get a couple of hours break and some social time together. He would rather keep an eye on her in case something dramatic happens.

In my humble opinion, DH over-panics at the slightest illness. He's always worried about some weird syndrome or hideous disease - I assume illness is a normal part of childhood and it's usually no big deal. The kicker is that DH is a doctor. So he should know, right? Except he's a palliative care doctor and I genuinely believe his view is skewed because his expertise and experience is all with major, life limiting illnesses and conditions and he only ever deals with people who are already on their worst case scenario. If he was a GP, I reckon he'd adhere more to my way of thinking! (Example: we had a few hiccups with breastfeeding when she was a baby - she had a weird couple of days where she wouldn't latch. Zero other symptoms but he thought maybe she'd had a stroke and we needed to go to a&e based on her having forgotten how to latch.)

All of which mad essay is to say: would I be a lazy, selfish, neglectful mother to leave her with him and go out for a few hours? Because I'm going to feel like that if he's right. And I have a feeling he may think I am even though he's saying I can go!

OP posts:
Realisticsituation · 19/03/2022 14:31

If you don’t go out because a child is sick or injured, you would barely go out! People with multiple children would be hermits for decades! YANBU.

HyggeTygge · 19/03/2022 14:33

You'll be gone a few hours. I'd definitely go, and leave it up to DH if he wants to or not. Chances are she'll be sleeping it off.

WeDontShutUpAboutBruno · 19/03/2022 14:34

If your parents are happy to babysit then that's absolutely fine.

They managed to raise you through all your childhood illnesses so I assume they know what they are doing.

I do have sympathy for your dh though, it must be tough being a doctor faced with people he can't save every day, so I understand his anxiousness.

ClemDanFango · 19/03/2022 14:35

She’ll be with her dad. Go out and have a nice time.

Treaclepie19 · 19/03/2022 14:35

Temperature or sickness no I don't. Generally cold then yes.

Chely · 19/03/2022 14:36

If you are comfortable leaving them with someone they are comfortable with when ill, it is fine.

LunaLoveFood · 19/03/2022 14:36

I would go. Take the time to recharge so you can deal with her better tomorrow and give dh a break.

Treaclepie19 · 19/03/2022 14:36

Sorry completely misread 😳 If you're going out and not the child then yes, i would. 🙈

BendingSpoons · 19/03/2022 14:36

Nothing to suggest anything serious. If she was happy to be with grandparents, it would be fine to leave her. Personally I'd have one of us not drinking so we could drive home quickly if needed, but that's unlikely to happen. Also fine to go if your DH has decided to stay at home. She doesn't need two parents watching her. You wouldn't take a day off work to both look after her. Besides presumably she will go to bed fairly early.

Heidibal · 19/03/2022 14:37

Pfffff tough one OP.

Naturally I'm more like your DH but probably not quite as extreme.

I think i would be making the decision based on:

how much you trust your parents?
How close your DD is to her Grandparents, I.e will she cry for Mummy and Daddy or will she feel happily secure snuggled up with Grandma/Grandad?
How far away you were travelling? Just down the road being different to a 30 min car journey.

I'd factor those sort of things in before making a decision xx

Findahouse21 · 19/03/2022 14:40

I wouldn't go. Not because I think she's at risk of worsening, but because I think that generally poorly kids just want mum, especially when they're throwing up. Sorry, I'd put it off til next weekend.

Nonnymum · 19/03/2022 14:40

I think it' would be unfair to leave you with your parents if she's ill despite what they say an ill cranky child who just wants her parents is very difficult to comfort or care for. I also wouldn't leave her if she is the type of child who only wants her mum when shes I'll. But if she is happy and able to be comforted by your husband then I think it's perfectly ok to go out.

Original poster
BlossomRussosHatCollection · 19/03/2022 14:41

I do have sympathy for your dh though, it must be tough being a doctor faced with people he can't save every day, so I understand his anxiousness.

There's even more behind it, I think. Don't want to give too many details but both he and a sibling had major, life-threatening health emergencies when quite small. I think that affected him and affected how his parents dealt with illness - as I'm sure it would! It was pretty horrific for them. But that coupled with job means that every little sniffle or bug is seen as potential disaster, and he starts combing through symptoms for any possible hint of something scary and dramatic. I'm more of the: if they're drinking enough and the temperature comes down with Calpol, they're basically fine unless you can see any obvious sign they're not.

OP posts:
Original poster
BlossomRussosHatCollection · 19/03/2022 14:47

I think that generally poorly kids just want mum

This is my other worry. She's very much clingy to me over him. I actually think she'd be fine with my parents (they do a lot for us, and their home is like a second home). But that option won't happen anyway, because DH doesn't want to go. I'm not going to try and persuade him, I just need to decide if I'm going. She'll always reach for me over him if I'm here. I think she'll be okay if I'm not....but I don't think she'll like it, at least not when I leave...

OP posts:
Unsureaboutit9 · 19/03/2022 14:50

If your comfortable going out that’s fine, hence why he said you were fine to go. But he’s absolutely right to stay home if he’d rather when his DD is ill, nothing wrong or over the top there at all. Even if his job does affect his view, it’s who he is so what’s wrong with that?

Part of being a partnership is not judging each others different parenting styles in my opinion, you arnt lazy or horrible, and keeping your kids close when they are poorly is normal too, I don’t like leaving mine when they are poorly, it’s just what feels right to me. Plus if she’s been sick and had a fever there’s a chance she could pass it on to you two/your parents and you could infect others wether it’s covid or not. Go out and enjoy yourself if you want, your DD is safely at home with her dad at his own choice and doesn’t need both of you.

Unsureaboutit9 · 19/03/2022 14:52

@BlossomRussosHatCollection

I think that generally poorly kids just want mum

This is my other worry. She's very much clingy to me over him. I actually think she'd be fine with my parents (they do a lot for us, and their home is like a second home). But that option won't happen anyway, because DH doesn't want to go. I'm not going to try and persuade him, I just need to decide if I'm going. She'll always reach for me over him if I'm here. I think she'll be okay if I'm not....but I don't think she'll like it, at least not when I leave...

You see with that update I’d stay home, if your poorly DD is more comfortable with you there when sick, then I’d stay home. Again it’s not lazy and awful if you don’t, but I wouldn’t be able to enjoy myself as much.
RantyAunty · 19/03/2022 14:53

I wouldn't. Poorly kids want their parents when they're unwell.

Plus, your parents might catch watch she has.

Original poster
BlossomRussosHatCollection · 19/03/2022 14:55

Unsureaboutit9 I absolutely don't judge him wanting to stay close to her. I'm still in two minds myself. It's more the tendency to seek disaster where there is none. She had a stray sticker scrunched up in her sock yesterday and said it was tickling her feet. But today he keeps asking her and asking her and asking her if it's still tickly because thinks maybe it might be a sign of Guillain Barre syndrome?!

OP posts:
Unsureaboutit9 · 19/03/2022 14:59

I think in your situation I’d stay home, because I wouldn’t want the grandparents to catch the illness, and I’d want my DD to be comfortable with me while she was poorly, and I’d take this opportunity to ask DH to get some counselling for his anxiety regarding her health. Could be a good time to highlight it and encourage him to seek help.

Original poster
BlossomRussosHatCollection · 19/03/2022 15:06

The grandparents won't be having her. That's not happening. I'm really uncertain about what I'm going to do, but DH is staying. And there's absolutely zero chance of him accepting my suggestion that he has health anxiety. He's absolutely certain he's the expert and I'm an idiot for 'not caring' (which is also compromising my ability to make the decision about going - I'm about 70% sure about leaving her. But I don't really know how to take his suggestion that I go when he won't - I think there's potential aggro down the line that I 'just went off and left her'...)

OP posts:
Mooster62 · 19/03/2022 15:09

If he wants to stay with her I would go out. He is her father and a doctor, it doesn't need two of you! If he tries to throw it back at you, I would just state the above that as a doctor, she was in the best hands.

HollowTalk · 19/03/2022 15:09

Your husband definitely has a problem with anxiety. Tonight, though, I'd stay with my daughter - she's not well and wants her mum.

Unsureaboutit9 · 19/03/2022 15:10

Why are you so desperate to go out? Is there something more going on here? Is it not possible to reschedule then you can enjoy it properly with him some other time?

Willyoujustbequiet · 19/03/2022 15:14

I wouldn't

Poorly kids like their mum plus its unfair on your parents if its contagious. Sorry

Original poster
BlossomRussosHatCollection · 19/03/2022 15:22

Unsureaboutit9

I'm not desperate, I'd just like to. He's often on call, or doing last minute cover (especially at the moment) so we don't get to often. I'd managed to pin down both my parents and friends of ours, after having to cancel last week because the latter got Covid. I feel like it isn't necessary for us both to miss it (although I think it is probably wisest that she stays here rather than go to my parents). I'm not desperate to go. But it isn't as straightforward as "just go next weekend".

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread