Going out when child is ill

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I'm reaching out to Mumsnet for a measured and gentle assessment of whether I would be the worst mother in the world if I left my poorly child to go out for dinner tonight.

She's 2, coming up 3. She's definitely peaky. Temperature last night, sick once this morning, off her food. She's moderately perky when awake (tantrums still gale force) but periodically falling asleep on me. We were due to go out with friends tonight, and my parents were going to babysit. They were still happy to do it, but DH has said he doesn't want to, but he doesn't mind if I do.

I need Mumsnet input because DH and I do not see eye to eye on childhood illnesses, and that coupled with general mum guilt means I am no longer confident of my own judgement.

I think she has some kind of unpleasant virus (negative LFTs, before anyone suggests that) and in a day or two she'll be better. DH is worried because DH is always worried. I think she'd be okay if we left her and we'd get a couple of hours break and some social time together. He would rather keep an eye on her in case something dramatic happens.

In my humble opinion, DH over-panics at the slightest illness. He's always worried about some weird syndrome or hideous disease - I assume illness is a normal part of childhood and it's usually no big deal. The kicker is that DH is a doctor. So he should know, right? Except he's a palliative care doctor and I genuinely believe his view is skewed because his expertise and experience is all with major, life limiting illnesses and conditions and he only ever deals with people who are already on their worst case scenario. If he was a GP, I reckon he'd adhere more to my way of thinking! (Example: we had a few hiccups with breastfeeding when she was a baby - she had a weird couple of days where she wouldn't latch. Zero other symptoms but he thought maybe she'd had a stroke and we needed to go to a&e based on her having forgotten how to latch.)

All of which mad essay is to say: would I be a lazy, selfish, neglectful mother to leave her with him and go out for a few hours? Because I'm going to feel like that if he's right. And I have a feeling he may think I am even though he's saying I can go!

I’d go, given that it sounds like a fairly mild bog-standard kid virus. Especially being left with a Dr - although in your case I’d be mildly worried I’d come back from dinner to find he’d taken her to hospital.

But for me, DD never wants me when she’s ill anyway, it’s DH she wants (and I’m more than happy to go with that if it means he’s the one being vomited on, as happened last time!)

I don’t leave my children if they’re unwell. Things that are even quite mild can progress quickly and DH and I prefer to look after them together.

I’ve had to call ambulances when croup has appeared out of nowhere and dealt with deluges of vomit when the only symptom was being a bit peaky.

I would go, she’s not deathly ill. But I would leave her with DH , I wouldn’t want to impose on family to watch a sick kid who might get whiny and irritable. I’d rather for DH deal with that.

No problem at all as you're leaving her with your family. I think it would only be an issue if you were going to leave her with a young babysitter, as I don't think that would be fair.

I think it’d be U to both go out, as DC will want a parent and out of concern for your parents having a tricky evening and/or catching a virus from their GC.

But fine to go out and DH do the parenting, especially since he’s medically qualified!

I wouldn’t enjoy myself as I would worry. I’m a worrier also but with a temp I would feel they needed me. However your DH is there, he’s a dr so I think it’s fine that you go!

I would have left dc with my mum no issues, she's better at the parenting park than me. When my dd had a complete breakdown it was mum who nursed her back to health, I do not have the patience

I think your point that your DHs job gives him a different perspective is v valid

My sister & a good friend are doctors: friend is a neonatal IC paediatrician, she admits that seeing traumatic birth after traumatic birth gives her a v distorted perspective

I’d be wary of going out yourself purely because 1 in 20 have Covid right now so there is that …

Otherwise, I think it’s actually a good idea for you to go out to challenge your husband’s expectations of doom! Presume you are not going far so if she gets worse you can I home?

I wouldn't go out if a fever or vomiting were involved. I might leave DE if she had a cold and wasn't unhappy about it (endless runny noses are pretty standard at this age and I still send her to nursery) but I wouldn't leave her if was anything more than that - she would want me and I wouldn't be able to enjoy myself not knowing how she was and if my absence was upsetting her.

Go out, you deserve some fun 🤩

I wouldn’t leave a poorly child with grandparents but if he’s happy to stay at home and you will enjoy going out then I would still go. I wouldn’t drink though just incase I needed ti get home quickly for any reason.

I wouldn't go. Not because I thought that she might have something serious but because poorly children usually want their mums.

Yes needs a pcr not just a lft.

No, I wouldn’t go out with an ill child because they are unwell and will want at least one of their parents .

I wouldn't personally because I know my children would want me or their Dad when poorly (aside from basic things like colds.) I'd also feel terrible if my parents caught it, but that's partly because my Mum has health issues.

I definitely wouldn't even consider going. Children need their parents when they're ill

I would go too.

Your DH's anxiety seems totally out of control - a stroke because she wouldn't latch and Guillen Barre because of a sticker in a sock? There is clearly a lot going on here and tackling it won't be easy. There was a mum at nursery when my youngest was 3 or 4 who worked with the social work department as a nurse or health visitor or something, she dealt all day with children in the most dreadful circumstances and who had been removed from their parents and this really coloured her judgement. Everyone was a risk to her DD, everything was a threat. N playdates, no parties, no "risky" play, she was the only parent in 5 years of being involved in running the preschool who ever asked to read the safeguarding policy (and quizzed us on it), she saw abuse everywhere. She made two complaints in the time her DD was at nursery, not about her DD but once because she saw a dad forcing an unwilling toddler into a car seat (toddler was doing that back-arching thing) and once because a member of staff lifted a 4 year old who was kicking the girl in front of him and the child said "nooooooooo" - she went to the Police about that one.

10 years later her DD is in my DD's class at school and she's still not allowed to do anything or go anywhere because every person is an abuser.

It's not the same but the thought process is similar to your DH. How is he about other "dangerous" things like climbing frames in the playpark, riding bikes, swimming?

He seems over anxious, almost neurotic. Is he?

I went! I'm now home. I had a lovely evening, DD didn't eat anything but drank a lot of milk and settled off to bed as happily as she ever does at 8.

DH isn't mega over-anxious. He doesn't have them in a&e every weekend. It's just whenever there's anything mildly wrong he looks for any possible evidence of something potentially serious - and he knows an awful lot about potentially serious things. The perfectly robust, mildly off-colour child in front of him doesn't deter him from combing through the mental textbook of things it could turn into.