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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm pissed off with him. AIBU

55 replies

mestle · 18/03/2022 11:15

Partner visited for two days and was due to go home today. He decided today to stay tonight as it suits us both, even though we hadn't planned that. We won't see each other until next weekend.

His sister is unwell. Her husband is working late.. own business .Partner due to mind her kids tomorrow for the day. Husband not really involved in looking after his own kids.She needs lots of support as she is doing it in her own.
He text to ask what time she needed help from. She said this evening, despite the husband coming home after.

So he will leave mine to go back to mind their kids for an hour before husband comes home instead of staying here for another night.I actually think the husband comes home and does very little except watch tv and sleep. It's a strange situation.
I'm really pissed off with him.
His sister is really
Good to him and they are very close but I think that he does enough and has prioritised travelling over an hour to mind her kids for an hour ( rather than husband leaving work early which he could easily do) rather than staying here considering we won't see each other for another week.
AIBU?

OP posts:
DenholmElliot · 18/03/2022 11:57

It's a strange situation

It most certainly is. Very odd. Are you sure he's telling you the truth?

I was ill on many occasions when my kids were little. Guess how many times I asked my brother to stop what he was doing, travel for an hour, and come to my house to look after my kids - while my husband was there. Go on, guess?

Original poster
mestle · 18/03/2022 12:05

I agree. It's strange. We had an argument. I don't feel like doing anything for the day now so he's gone home.

OP posts:
Cerealnamechangerer · 18/03/2022 12:05

He made a promise to help her out. Your opinion doesn't really come into it to be honest. If a new boyfriend got pissed off with me because i was helping my sister out id tell him where to get off.

Original poster
mestle · 18/03/2022 12:10

I'm sure he's telling the truth.We all integrate well and I was there for the texts and phone calls.
The whole situation is odd to me. I feel like he feels he has to jump when she says so as she has been so good to him.I also think she is unable to cope with her kids on her own as she needs to have a support system around her at all times and her husband doesn't seem to figure in the day to day family life.
At the end of the day, he close to offer to go back to mind her kids for an hour despite her having a husband; instead of staying for an extra day/ night and go back to mind them tomorrow.
Simply put, I am not his priority.

OP posts:
Original poster
mestle · 18/03/2022 12:12

He didn't make a promise to mind them
Today. He offered support. The support she wants is one hour childcare, an hour away this evening ,when that childcare could have been easily arranged between husband and wife.
This isn't an emergency or an urgent situation.

OP posts:
thepeopleversuswork · 18/03/2022 12:16

The material issue is that the sister's husband is a lazy, workshy piece of shit. I assume that the sister has already tried this avenue and the husband has told her no.

If its an infrequent occurence I'd cut him a bit of slack tbh: your DP is putting his sister and her children's needs before his own and that's not a bad quality to have.

He's known his sister all his life and is not unreasonably putting her first.

If he is starting to do it every time you arrange to spend time together that's a different matter. But for now I'd take a deep breath and get over it.

AskingforaBaskin · 18/03/2022 12:28

I would not continue a relationship with a man where is already a husband to another woman.

Be that through marriage or obligation.

Original poster
mestle · 18/03/2022 12:38

It feels like that at times @AskingforaBaskin . She has been so good and supportive to him through the bad times but I have to question where is the line that he stops feeling he has to parent her kids or step in in a parental role.

OP posts:
Original poster
mestle · 18/03/2022 12:39

A marital role I should say

OP posts:
Thehop · 18/03/2022 12:42

He’s basically got another family hasnt he? If she can click her fingers like that?

Original poster
mestle · 18/03/2022 12:47

She does click her fingers and he runs. He's never said no. Very codependent relationship.

OP posts:
TimeForTeaAndG · 18/03/2022 12:51

So you've ruined an entire day because he is going to help his sister this evening?

From his side of things, his sister has an arsehole of a husband and needs someone to help care for the kids because the arsehole won't come home early from work. He's in a position to help her. If the husband is that bad then maybe the sister doesn't have any friends to ask locally. I'd be a little disappointed at not getting the extra evening, which he wasn't supposed to be staying for anyway, but I wouldn't out him in a position of choosing you or family.

Original poster
mestle · 18/03/2022 12:53

He is the default father and husband in that situation. He chooses that as priority. I want more than that.

OP posts:
OrlandointheWilderness · 18/03/2022 12:53

He sounds like a fab brother. How long have you been together for?
Tbh his sister is ill with a possibly unsupportive husband. Maybe she is actually just desperate and does need the support?!?

Original poster
mestle · 18/03/2022 12:54

There are plenty of other family members locally. He is somewhat over a barre.

OP posts:
OrlandointheWilderness · 18/03/2022 12:55

Sorry, did you say how long you'd been together? I might well have missed it 😂

username9871028 · 18/03/2022 13:01

Erm, why would you be pissed off!? He sounds like an amazing brother helping his sister who is clearly in a shit situation and married to a lousy man. Your anger is missplaced here.

ifoundthebread · 18/03/2022 13:06

So he was supposed to leave your today, then yous both decided he would stay, his sister needed help so he went back to the initial plans of not staying to help his sister and your pissed off?

Original poster
mestle · 18/03/2022 13:06

He minds her kids every day, babysits and basically fulfils a father role all
To the detriment of his other relationships. They come first. He makes decisions based on her requests without even discussing them with me, as his partner of three years. We don't live together.

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 18/03/2022 13:10

He sounds like a great brother but at a detriment to being a great partner
It doesn’t really matter who it is, he prioritises someone else over you on a regular non emergency basis so you need to think about your future with him

DenholmElliot · 18/03/2022 13:10

Yeah, In a relationship I want to be someone's priority.

If someone has kids, then obviously the kids come first, I get that. But I'm next. Not the ex-wife, not the job, not the golf, not the extended family. Me. Otherwise, really, whats the point?

thepeopleversuswork · 18/03/2022 13:25

@mestle

He minds her kids every day, babysits and basically fulfils a father role all To the detriment of his other relationships. They come first. He makes decisions based on her requests without even discussing them with me, as his partner of three years. We don't live together.
I just don't see the problem with this.

He is devoting time to support his nieces/nephews (sorry I'm not sure what sexes the kids are) and help his sister. Some of you are talking about this as if he was off visiting another woman or golfing with the lads. He's not. He's helping people whom he's known all his life - blood relatives - in a difficult situation.

Would you really want to be with a man who knowing that his sister was struggling to hold everything together dropped her to spend all his free time with a relatively new partner? I wouldn't...

romdowa · 18/03/2022 13:30

It doesn't really matter what others say here . What matters is if you can deal with the situation, always coming second to his sister and their weird relationship. This will be it until those children grow up! Is this what you want for the next 15 odd years? If not then you have to finish it and find someone who isn't so entwined .

DrManhattan · 18/03/2022 13:31

First thing i thought was that he's married with kids! If that isn't the case you will have to accept or decline his priorities

junglejane66 · 18/03/2022 13:31

@DenholmElliot

It's a strange situation

It most certainly is. Very odd. Are you sure he's telling you the truth?

I was ill on many occasions when my kids were little. Guess how many times I asked my brother to stop what he was doing, travel for an hour, and come to my house to look after my kids - while my husband was there. Go on, guess?

3 times?