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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm pissed off with him. AIBU

55 replies

mestle · 18/03/2022 11:15

Partner visited for two days and was due to go home today. He decided today to stay tonight as it suits us both, even though we hadn't planned that. We won't see each other until next weekend.

His sister is unwell. Her husband is working late.. own business .Partner due to mind her kids tomorrow for the day. Husband not really involved in looking after his own kids.She needs lots of support as she is doing it in her own.
He text to ask what time she needed help from. She said this evening, despite the husband coming home after.

So he will leave mine to go back to mind their kids for an hour before husband comes home instead of staying here for another night.I actually think the husband comes home and does very little except watch tv and sleep. It's a strange situation.
I'm really pissed off with him.
His sister is really
Good to him and they are very close but I think that he does enough and has prioritised travelling over an hour to mind her kids for an hour ( rather than husband leaving work early which he could easily do) rather than staying here considering we won't see each other for another week.
AIBU?

OP posts:
namechangetheworld · 18/03/2022 13:38

YABU. It's none of your business. You're a girlfriend who he doesn't live with, and you don't get to dictate how much time he spends with his family.

If a man posted saying that he thinks his new girlfriend spends too much time with her family, he'd be ripped to shreds, and rightly so.

allthesharks · 18/03/2022 13:43

I don't necessarily think your DP is doing anything wrong in supporting his sister (there may be more to why she needs support that you're not aware of). But if you're not happy with it then you don't have to accept it - you can walk away. By all means, have a conversation with him about why you're unhappy, but don't expect him to change for you - to be very blunt, he can't find another sister or nieces/nephews, but he can find another girlfriend.

crispmidnightpeace · 18/03/2022 13:46

@mestle

Partner visited for two days and was due to go home today. He decided today to stay tonight as it suits us both, even though we hadn't planned that. We won't see each other until next weekend.

His sister is unwell. Her husband is working late.. own business .Partner due to mind her kids tomorrow for the day. Husband not really involved in looking after his own kids.She needs lots of support as she is doing it in her own.
He text to ask what time she needed help from. She said this evening, despite the husband coming home after.

So he will leave mine to go back to mind their kids for an hour before husband comes home instead of staying here for another night.I actually think the husband comes home and does very little except watch tv and sleep. It's a strange situation.
I'm really pissed off with him.
His sister is really
Good to him and they are very close but I think that he does enough and has prioritised travelling over an hour to mind her kids for an hour ( rather than husband leaving work early which he could easily do) rather than staying here considering we won't see each other for another week.
AIBU?

He's prioritised his sister over you, yes. Are you okay with that? Because this won't be the last time. I'm not saying he's wrong either but if you think he is then this is not the man for you unless you can be okay about this.
girlmom21 · 18/03/2022 13:54

So his sister needs his help and you're upset because he said he'd stay with you tonight, even though that wasn't the original plan. So he reverted to the original plan in a matter of hours?

If you're so upset not seeing him for a week move in together.

GaryTheCat · 18/03/2022 13:58

How odd.

I don’t know, on ‘paper’ (well alright on a forum) maybe it looks like he’s an amazing man.

But IRL. Praps this is a bit unhealthy and enmeshed and it’s giving you the ick.

I could imagine myself getting the ick with this.

Time to think about how much longer you want to be with him. Perhaps not much longer.

Flowers
Original poster
mestle · 18/03/2022 14:02

I have a little bit of ick.

OP posts:
Original poster
mestle · 18/03/2022 14:07

I guess that he had said he would stay, then he text to ask what she needed, she replied and that was that.
His argument: I told her I'd be home this evening. Confused
My argument: why not text to say I won't be home this evening , what do you need tomorrow...

OP posts:
AskingforaBaskin · 18/03/2022 14:08

I would have a lot of ick.
Do you want kids with him in the future? How will he ever be a father when he is married to her and raising her kids? At what point does he hold her and her husband accountable?

Ourlady · 18/03/2022 14:10

His Sister is obviously his priority which is fine but if you’re not happy playing second fiddle then I would end it. Doesn’t sound like it will ever get any better. I wouldn’t be happy with the situation.

Original poster
mestle · 18/03/2022 14:11

I think she has always been given a lot of support. She has been described as a snowflake and a spoiled brat. I like her a lot however and this isn't on her.
If I had a disengaged husband and father to my children and all my siblings were fulfilling a parenting role
To support me, I'd be delighted.
His opinion is that her husband is just the way he is.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 18/03/2022 14:13

@AskingforaBaskin

I would not continue a relationship with a man where is already a husband to another woman.

Be that through marriage or obligation.

This. Beware of having babies to this person. This minor irritating will get massive
Abaababa · 18/03/2022 14:23

YABU, he is a grown man and he has made his grown up choices and he had chosen to help out his sister. You may not know the full situation, maybe it’s an abusive relationship.

In any case, suck it up or end it, but you don’t get to dictate a grown man’s life (you don’t even live with him, so how exactly is he your partner)?

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 18/03/2022 14:30

I'm not seeing the problem. Her husband is obviously a bit of a dick and her brother, the kids uncle, is helping her out.

Can't you go with him if it's only an hour away? Stay at his after?

Original poster
mestle · 18/03/2022 14:30

Despite not living together I do consider him my partner. Many people have relationships with people and have a partnership for years and years despite not living together.
A partner, in my eyes, discusses other demands and requests with their oh when it interferes with their rare and unexpected time together, unless it involves their own children ,so it doesn't
Feel so good today.

OP posts:
Bluetrews25 · 18/03/2022 14:49

Why does she need support with her own DCs?
Why is your DP enabling her DH to be a deadbeat by picking up his slack?
When will all this extra support needed end?
Will he be sucked in to doing DIY for her, for example, for years to come?

Original poster
mestle · 18/03/2022 14:54

Exactly. He enables this set up. ' it's just the way he is..' doesn't cut it for me.
Life is only going to get busier. Serious ick this afternoon

OP posts:
AskingforaBaskin · 18/03/2022 14:56

You know ick is usually terminal? I don't know anyone who has ever recovered from it.

billy1966 · 18/03/2022 15:08

OP,

It's good you have the Ick.

He is too busy with his sister's family to have a relationship himself.

You would be wise to get that and move on.

This is not going to change.

Get rid.

Original poster
mestle · 18/03/2022 15:26

I think it's when he said ... but I told her I'd be home... I shut up shop Confused
I know many dead beat and useless husbands and fathers but they never had the total back up of their in laws do fulfil their role and at risk of sounding like a bee, why choose to have four children with such a man.
Them to hear... but that's the way he is ... was another reason that I have lost some respect for him. Perhaps that's sounds awful?
When my family ever need help, the first question they ask is if I am with partner that weekend( as we don't live together as I said) and were not, if I had I plans. Then, they would ask for a favour which I always oblige if I can.

OP posts:
Original poster
mestle · 18/03/2022 15:28

I have also been told that this issue was a huge part of the break up of previous relationships. Think his numbers up. Lessons not learned.

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 18/03/2022 15:32

As PPs say, your boyfriend prioritises his sibling and neices/nephews over you, eg changing plans at short notice. YANBU to be pissed off.

Agree with you that it’s dysfunctional and weird when mums with shit DPs/Hs seek help from extended family or friends rather than address the main issue. But it wouldn’t be a problem if your boyfriend handled it differently.

Thymeout · 18/03/2022 15:35

In his position, I'd be having second thoughts about you.

His sister is sick and struggling. You are pissed off because you're disappointed that you won't be having an extra night with him which was an unexpected bonus. An extra night. It's not as if he dropped everything to rush over to help his sister in the middle of his stay. You've now turned this molehill into a mountain of her and me. 'Who comes first? Who is more important to you? Her or ME?'
Stamps foot.

Priorities aren't an absolute. They depend on context. In this instance, his sister - and the children - need him more than you. I expect he's disappointed, too. But he's behaving in a much more adult way than you are.

And now you've wasted a whole day with him by having a row so he's gone home early. Silly.

girlmom21 · 18/03/2022 15:40

When my family ever need help, the first question they ask is if I am with partner that weekend( as we don't live together as I said) and were not, if I had I plans. Then, they would ask for a favour which I always oblige if I can.

But he had already told her he would be home so why would she ask again if he was with you?

It's sad that your family feel they can't ask for help if you're with him.

Imaysnapandfart · 18/03/2022 15:40

In hindsight, he probably should have texted his sister BEFORE he told you he'd stay - then the whole thing could have been avoided.

If this was a one-off, I'd say YABU and you should suck it up. However if this is a common occurrence and he's constantly going to prioritise her over you, then I'd be more concerned. Time to have a proper conversation with him about it and set your boundaries.

Out of interest, why aren't you living together?

Imaysnapandfart · 18/03/2022 15:41

(Also this reminds me a bit of that episode of Friends where Rachel is dating the guy who's WAAAY too close to his sister)