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AIBU?

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Original poster

Should I be concerned?

45 replies

Weirdsituationworries · 17/03/2022 21:23

Many years ago I had an acrimonious divorce. There was silence from the ex for years. Suddenly he reappeared in the area and seems to have made friends with some of my relatives.
It has got to the stage that when I am invited to certain relatives houses he is there. I have tried polite but distant but as time has gone on he has gone back to his old conduct of shouting at me and criticising me and everything about me. This was partly the cause of the divorce, but there was more. Even when I invited certain relatives to my house especially for meals he has turned up with them!
Perhaps stupidly I have done the very British thing of remaining polite at all costs and not causing a fuss.
I am really hurt that any of my relatives would think it acceptable to almost force me to be in the company of someone I obviously do not like. I did divorce him and that should make it clear that I do not wish to have anything more to do with him. It was a "fault" divorce and the relatives know what he did.
I am contemplating what my next step should be. I could close off and not visit the relatives or invite them to my house.

Any suggestions?

OP posts:
thisplaceisweird · 17/03/2022 21:26

That's awful. Who are the relatives, are they close?

I would be saying in no uncertain terms "I do not want to spend time with my ex, please do not invite me when he is with you and please don't arrive with him at my house"

Every time they do after that, refuse entry or just go home. You're an adult, you don't need to force yourself to stay in situations where you're being shouted at and made to feel bad.

I would then cut them off permanently. What they are doing is enabling his bullying, it's just cruel.

TibetanTerrah · 17/03/2022 21:26

I wouldn't like this at all. It feels very disloyal of your relatives and frankly strange behaviour by your ex!

Allelbowsandtoes · 17/03/2022 21:26

I'd say you need to sit down with your relatives and have a serious talk with them. Have they witnessed his behaviours of criticising and shouting at you? What do they make of that?
I imagine he's successfully manipulated them in some way but whatever game he's playing needs to stop and that will only happen through firm, consistent boundaries from all of your family members.
Good luck x

Aquamarine1029 · 17/03/2022 21:27

I'm sorry, op, but I'm actually shocked by how massive of a doormat you're being. Why on earth are you allowing this relative to steamroll your boundaries like this, and why would you even allow your ex through your door? I'm gobsmacked. This is on you, I'm afraid. You have allowed this to happen.

Kuachui · 17/03/2022 21:28

I would just be more vocal about it.

stop worrying about hurting peoples feelings and stand up for yourself.

inviting someone round " i would like to add that this invite is for you only so please dont bring blah blah else he wont be allowed in"

He turns up? shut the door.
he isnt your friend and he wasnt invited sp How dare they be so rude and if they dont listen then walk away.

If you go to someone elses house maybe call and ask of hes there before you go in, if he is then say "nevermind i wont bother then" and be brutally honest that you dont like the guy and never will and that you find it strange that he would involve himself in your family so much.

theyll all get the idea

Floralnomad · 17/03/2022 21:34

Just tell the relatives in question that you do not wish to be in the same space as him so if they are inviting him then not to bother inviting you and to please not bring him to events that you’ve invited them to . If they can’t stick to that then I’d personally stop seeing them as they obviously have very little regard for you .

gamerchick · 17/03/2022 21:38

It's weirrt. Who brings someone's ex to their house Hmm

Tell them in no uncertain terms that you don't want to see them. If you see him again then you won't be visiting or inviting them over. You need a firm boundary.

DuckyNoMates · 17/03/2022 21:39

Have you told your relatives to stop bringing him round? Are they hoping you'll get back together? Do you have kids is it "doing it for the kids"? Just such a weird scenario I can't imagine my relatives doing this. I would be explicitly clear you don't want to attend of he is

gamerchick · 17/03/2022 21:39

*him

vamptramp · 17/03/2022 21:41

Why on earth did you let him in?

He wouldn't have been crossing my doorstep!

Totalwasteofpaper · 17/03/2022 21:42

This is insane...and far from normal behaviour.

For context I have never invited anyone to my house and they turned up with another uninvited person (let alone the man I divorced!?!?!)
i wouldnt have let him over the threshold let alone feed and hodt him!?!?

I would stop contact with these relatives - why do you still see them and eat haven't you discussed how weird and hurtful this is to you?

Are they siblings/ your parents or more distantly related like aunts/ uncles?

Original poster
Weirdsituationworries · 17/03/2022 21:49

That was quick to get replies.

I was told that "it was all in the past" and I was being difficult.

I am sure I am far too polite for my own good. I think that the relatives are taken in by him. He has always been manipulative and got angry when I stood up to him.

The relatives are talking to me in the same way that he did.

I have thought that there may be a thought that I was all wrong in divorcing him and that I should get back with him. That may be other people's idea but I would never ever get involved with him.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 17/03/2022 21:49

Both bizarre and unbelievable that you would allow this.

You allowing him into your house is just weird.

Your boundaries are non existent OP.

Never allow him into your house again and avoid your awful relatives and tell them why.

Ohyesiam · 17/03/2022 21:50

You could start saying how you feel and asking for what you need.
He sounds horribly manipulative

Whatinthelord · 17/03/2022 21:54

You seem to have an issue with maintaining boundaries, as many people do. Maybe that is a good place to start. Choose 1/2 boundaries you want to keep and how you are going to do that ( eg tell your family they will no bring the ex to your house again, have no discussion about it, don’t let them in if they arrive with him).

It’s absurd to thing your family would bring your ex to your house without explicitly asking. Do they have a history of treating you badly, because that doesn’t strike me as the behaviour of a loving family.

Please know that you are not wrong…they are.

Mellowyellow222 · 17/03/2022 21:56

You need to be clear with your relatives.

You no longer have a relationship with this man for very good reasons and you don’t want him in your life. No explanations required.

These are your boundaries. He is not to be brought to your home, and if he is there when you are invited you will leave.

People should respect your boundaries. If they don’t then I am afraid you have to go either low or no communication with these family members.

Original poster
Weirdsituationworries · 17/03/2022 21:57

I am concerned that if I object or put up boundaries I will look like the bad person and he will use that to his advantage. He has form for this in the past.
I put up with a lot to be able to check on children of the family and try to ensure their wellbeing. He does not have a good record with children

OP posts:
Whatinthelord · 17/03/2022 22:00

@Weirdsituationworries

I am concerned that if I object or put up boundaries I will look like the bad person and he will use that to his advantage. He has form for this in the past. I put up with a lot to be able to check on children of the family and try to ensure their wellbeing. He does not have a good record with children
That sounds like an additional issue.in what way is he a risk to children?
Aquamarine1029 · 17/03/2022 22:02

I am concerned that if I object or put up boundaries I will look like the bad person and he will use that to his advantage. He has form for this in the past.

Who gives a shit what he has form for? You're divorced. He should have no bearing on your life whatsoever, and the only reason he currently does is because you've allowed it. And what advantage? He has none. Your lack of boundaries and the level to which you let people walk all over you is staggering. I highly suggest some therapy.

ukborn · 17/03/2022 22:02

I can't believe you even let this guy in your house. And your relatives are being ridiculous. Tell them if he is at their house when you arrive you will leave, and if they bring him to yours you will not allow them in. You do not have to explain yourself. You do not have to be polite. Just be firm. It's no one's business what happened between you and your ex, but you need to make it clear you do not want to see him on social occasions.

Doyoumind · 17/03/2022 22:05

He's created this to put you in exactly the situation you are in - where he can convince people it's reasonable for him to be around and he can therefore exert control over you. It's a game for him that makes him feel powerful.

Your family are idiots who have no idea how the minds of these kinds of men work. I completely recognise this kind of thing from being in an abusive relationship and the aftermath that never quite ends.

I'd forcefully tell them it's you or him and mean it. You don't need these people who don't have your best interests at heart in your life.

TracyMosby · 17/03/2022 22:05

Perhaps stupidly I have done the very British thing of remaining polite at all costs and not causing a fuss.
That’s not british. It is ridiculous.

Mellowyellow222 · 17/03/2022 22:12

@Weirdsituationworries

I am concerned that if I object or put up boundaries I will look like the bad person and he will use that to his advantage. He has form for this in the past. I put up with a lot to be able to check on children of the family and try to ensure their wellbeing. He does not have a good record with children
You need to explain this.

Is he a danger to the children In your family.

If so why the hell are you being so passive

Original poster
Weirdsituationworries · 17/03/2022 22:24

I think I am so passive because I do not have strength physically. I have some serious health issues. My relatives know what my health is like. They also know how long my health has been rocky. I think this is also a reason why I may be in this position, they all know that I get very weak at times.
One child a preteen has said that ex has no understanding of children and has shouted at that child and sibling and even hit them. No-one should be hitting any children.
Ex was shouting at another child of the family about refusing to eat something that makes that child sick. That child does not have their father to assist them, only the mother who is so taken in by ex.
He seems to think he knows everything better than everyone else and he has done a lot of manipulating.

OP posts:
wtfwasthatmate · 17/03/2022 22:26

Cut the relatives off. You don't need that in your life. I would behave like none of them exist to you.

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