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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I be concerned?

45 replies

Weirdsituationworries · 17/03/2022 21:23

Many years ago I had an acrimonious divorce. There was silence from the ex for years. Suddenly he reappeared in the area and seems to have made friends with some of my relatives.
It has got to the stage that when I am invited to certain relatives houses he is there. I have tried polite but distant but as time has gone on he has gone back to his old conduct of shouting at me and criticising me and everything about me. This was partly the cause of the divorce, but there was more. Even when I invited certain relatives to my house especially for meals he has turned up with them!
Perhaps stupidly I have done the very British thing of remaining polite at all costs and not causing a fuss.
I am really hurt that any of my relatives would think it acceptable to almost force me to be in the company of someone I obviously do not like. I did divorce him and that should make it clear that I do not wish to have anything more to do with him. It was a "fault" divorce and the relatives know what he did.
I am contemplating what my next step should be. I could close off and not visit the relatives or invite them to my house.

Any suggestions?

OP posts:
PattyMelt · 17/03/2022 22:30

He'd probably eventually get bored and leave the family alone if you stop going round.
If you walk in an he's there, just turn and walk out. Make sure the kids know what you are doing and are with you on this.
Your family are being ridiculous.
If they comment on it, just keep telling them you aren't socialising with your Ex, and they are ridiculous.

Whatinthelord · 17/03/2022 22:35

Do your whole family struggle with boundaries then? I’m just trying to understand why your family would let a family members ex from a few years ago in their him to dictate what their child could eat/shout at their child. It sounds bizarre.

I personally think you need to hold boundaries about not seeing him. Also don’t allow anyone to talk to you about him or tell you things about him. Do whatever you can to have nothing to do with him directly or indirectly (inc on social media).

If you see or hear things that concern you about the children refer it to social care and comment the issue to the parent.

Possibly you holding boundaries with him, might help others do the same. If you can’t hold boundaries with him then you’re not going to be much help protecting the children anyhow.

Fernandina · 17/03/2022 22:35

I'm assuming that this is a sister or female cousin, and that they are now in some sort of relationship with him. More fool her, that's all I can say, and I suspect that you are simply going to have to cut contact with her. You can't allow them to walk all over you - he is using it as a way of continuing his abuse of you.

Are your parents around - what do they think?

Mangogogogo · 17/03/2022 22:44

My friends parents did this with her last two exes. It is extremely odd and now when I see them they wonder why she never bothers contacting them and has moved away with her new partner. Like, what the fuck? My friend also has significant mental health problems and I’m not sure if they think they’re being helpful or what but she was too vulnerable to do anything about it for ages. Absolutely off their fucking heads.

Original poster
Weirdsituationworries · 17/03/2022 22:46

I do not have parents now, both are dead. I remarried another man but he was killed in an accident, so I do not have any support from older relatives.

OP posts:
FlowerArranger · 17/03/2022 22:53

You need to disconnect.

I sympathize with your concerns about the children, but there really is not much you can do for them.

Focus on your own health - physical, mental and emotional Flowers

BeanStew22 · 17/03/2022 22:56

Sorry to hear this. Who are the relatives (siblings?) and did they know the ex before you?

If they only know him through you I would hit the roof … if not still express your annoyance

MrsTerryPratchett · 17/03/2022 23:20

You have said 'polite' but it's not. It's poor boundaries and pretending to yourself it's politeness is an issue.

It's terribly impolite to both invite himself and of your relatives to bring uninvited people.

Big smile, "no Bob, I didn't invite you" and shut the door if you have to. I'd prewarn the relatives you won't be playing.

Member869894 · 18/03/2022 00:41

' I am concerned that if I object or put up boundaries I will look like the bad person and he will use that to his advantage. '

You need to get yourself to a place where you don't care what he or other people think of you. You may as well still married to Him if you're going to allow him to manipulate you in this way. Whatever you do or don't do he will still criticise you so do what you want and what is best for you

Chloemol · 18/03/2022 01:28

Just do t contact them, if they contact you then fine by phone, but if they want to meet up, sorry I am busy

They are treating you as he did, only you can stop putting up with it

Bromse · 18/03/2022 01:55

I agree with Chloemoi above.

gonnascreamsoon · 18/03/2022 07:08

You have 2 choices really....

  1. You continue to see these 'relatives' but tell them that HE is NOT invited, and WILL be turned away at the door if he turns up (or YOU will LEAVE their house if he is there)
  1. You stop associating with these unhelpful and ignorant 'relatives' totally.

Your choice.

TheCurrywurstPrion · 18/03/2022 07:21

It might help if you were clearer about the situation. With the mention of children, I’m now wondering whether what you mean is that your ex has now booked up with another single mother, and you’re worried he might be abusing her children.

I realise you’re trying to avoid outing yourself, but it’s not really possible to give useful suggestions if we don’t really know what’s going on. For example, involving social services might be appropriate, or having a quiet word with another relative, reminding them what actually happened to you and asking them to intervene.

Whatever the situation is, it would appear that you alone are not capable of tackling the situation and keeping the children safe. Obviously cutting off the relative or relatives is one answer. He will show them his true colours in time. But if there are children who might fall victim, then that’s a different natter altogether.

JohannSebastianBach · 18/03/2022 07:24

Sounds like you would be better off without the relatives.

OatmilkandCookies · 18/03/2022 08:55

I would stop going round. Stop associating yourself with these people and be more firm with your boundaries. As women we are often taught it's important to be 'nice' and that when we put our boundaries in place we are 'mean', so don't cling to being nice or polite or whatever it is that's causing you to put yourself through this much anguish.

RedHelenB · 18/03/2022 08:59

YABU if you've never explained to your relatives how you feel about them inviting him to events you're invited too. They may well think you're ok with it all of you're being polite and civil.

Momicrone · 18/03/2022 09:25

'All in the past', my arse!

Brefugee · 18/03/2022 09:32

sorry this is happening, OP.
Just cut them off. If you turn up and he's there, turn around and leave. If you think they might bring him? don't invite them, and if they do, tell them and him to leave.

It is hard but having these people in your life is harder. Use your words.

Original poster
Weirdsituationworries · 18/03/2022 10:23

This has reassured me that I am not as daft as I have been told I am by the ex and the relatives
I have spoken about not wanting to be around ex and that is when I was told it was all in the past, even so I was still being put in situations where I was in the same place as him.
I am trying to keep details to a minimum as it could be that some of the relatives are on here.
There was something that happened before I met him which I have tried to find out about but I can't get any information. I would not ask him as he would minimise and lie. Things have happened recently that I am sure he is in some way connected to. I am not making any progress on that either. He is the classic manipulative narc yet he says I am. That is what narcs do or so I have read.
As most if not all have said the only realistic thing I can do is to cut people out of my life if they insist on being in his company and also forcing me to be in his company. Adults have not acknowledged his conduct but a child has. I don't understand how a child could see it but not the adults. Very strange but then ex is a very strange person as are his relatives.

The best thing I think I can do is to refuse to have any contact with those who insist on having him around even if that means not seeing any of my relatives. I still have friends from when I started school who do not seem to think of me in the same way as the ex or the relatives he is in contact with.

OP posts:
FlowerArranger · 18/03/2022 11:04

I still have friends from when I started school who do not seem to think of me in the same way as the ex or the relatives he is in contact with

Focus on your friends and forget about the relatives. Blood doesn't have to be thicker than water Flowers

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