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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not forgive and forget aibu

74 replies

Yumyumcakes · 17/03/2022 20:47

Name change as this is outing but 4 friends a,b,c and myself. Friend a younger early mid 20s unmarried and child free, b married 3 children c married 2 children and myself married 2 children.

Friend bs child is the oldest, then friend c then mine. During her pregnancy with child, friend c made a lot of comments to b that a and I were jealous of her, her husband and her pregnancy. Neither of us were ttc, I’d made the mistake of telling my friends I suffer from endometriosis (mildly) luckily so ttc might be hard. When baby was born, a and I spent hundreds on clothes and bits, you know how it is. It then came out that her husband accused us of jinxing them with our jealousy as she had a rough delivery and baby was jaundiced. She then told b that she needed time away from us as the jealousy was too much and wouldn’t show pictures of the baby on social media because we’d get jealous and b was under clear instructions not to forward any photos she sent her. To be crystal clear I was not ttc this entire time, in fact far from it as I’d just started a new job and a had just left an abusive relationship.

But the belief I was jealous still persisted, we closed on houses within weeks of each other (unbeknownst to me as we’d stopped speaking) but this was framed as jealousy and copying as was conceiving dc2. I’d have thought c just doesn’t like me and a much but now she’s desperately trying to meet up And I just don’t much fancy it. My suspicion behind the reason is I have 2 kids now too so won’t be jealous of her kids, but I hate this line of thinking. I found that whole mentality incredibly juvenile, her husband had made some v unpleasant comments about my ‘cursing them’ and I asked her about it and she just brushed it off as him being silly so if she felt some sort of way she’s had chance to say. I get people change and grow up as years have gone by but equally I don’t think I want to be friends with someone who thinks people are jealous of them. I love to see my friends happy however that is.

Plus even though I wasn’t ttc I dislike the whole othering mentality of someone struggling with fertility like they are so hateful that they can’t possibly be happy for you to the extent they’d jinx it for you.

I’ve probably explained this terribly but
Yabu- give the friendship another chance
Yanbu- I wouldn’t really want to rekindle that friendship either

OP posts:
ImAvingOops · 17/03/2022 22:33

It doesn't matter if friend b is convinced that c has changed - it wasn't friend b on the receiving end of all the nastiness. She doesn't have a right to pressure you for this and I'd be quite annoyed with her actually. She's saying that what you feel doesn't matter so long as she gets her cosy arrangements back!

NataliaSerene · 17/03/2022 22:53

So the friend that told you all of this is the one that now wants to get the band back together again?

Original poster
Yumyumcakes · 17/03/2022 22:59

@WhereYouLeftIt C has actually contacted me a few times about meeting up too but B is driving jt too. Interestingly b always wanted 4 kids but stuck at 3 and c has been pulling back from her, so who knows if she’s ‘jealous’ too. B is still very keen though, she’s a bit of a softy.

OP posts:
Original poster
Yumyumcakes · 17/03/2022 23:03

@NataliaSerene

So the friend that told you all of this is the one that now wants to get the band back together again?
Pretty much yeah, but in Bs credit she wasn’t be a shitbag and spreading gossip. I had to drag it out of her after a few weird encounters and funny comments
OP posts:
MrsBerthaRochester · 17/03/2022 23:03

Are you all Evangelical nutters as its the only way that "evil eye" crap would remotely make sense?

WhereYouLeftIt · 17/03/2022 23:08

[quote Yumyumcakes]@WhereYouLeftIt C has actually contacted me a few times about meeting up too but B is driving jt too. Interestingly b always wanted 4 kids but stuck at 3 and c has been pulling back from her, so who knows if she’s ‘jealous’ too. B is still very keen though, she’s a bit of a softy.[/quote]
And has C offered an apology when she contacted you? I'm guessing not. If C wants to meet then an apology has to be the starting point. And it's not compulsory to accept an apology, but I'd bloody well expect it to be offered.

Side point - anyone who can think that another woman bases their decision on the number of children they themselves have (as C seems to) is spectacularly self-absorbed, and therefore to be avoided.

Original poster
Yumyumcakes · 17/03/2022 23:08

@MrsBerthaRochester

Are you all Evangelical nutters as its the only way that "evil eye" crap would remotely make sense?
C’s husband is Muslim
OP posts:
Original poster
Yumyumcakes · 17/03/2022 23:13

Nope no apology offered, but she doesn’t know that I know that the jealousy things have actually been said. As far as she knows it’s just vague sort of comments that make you go huh? And a very weird tirade from her husband that was insinuating a and I were so jealous we put the evil eye on them rather than a flat out accusation.

OP posts:
RobotValkyrie · 17/03/2022 23:20

Bonkers. Avoid.

HiKelsey · 17/03/2022 23:37

Honestly OP it sounds exhausting. I wouldn't waste the energy. I have stage 3 endometriosis and am 24 with one DD. When I was trying to get pregnant a lot of people I knew got pregnant and it got a bit overwhelming for me but everyone was a miracle for them and I was thrilled for them. Because although I was struggling and knew I could struggle that didn't take away from their amazing news! I think your friend will be like that through the rest of your lives, their DCs will always out do yours and what happens if their DC turn around and act the same to yours?

It's not worth it, life is too short

BeanStew22 · 17/03/2022 23:55

YABU - to call them ‘friends’

They sound awful- I’d steer we’ll clear!

LifeExperience · 18/03/2022 00:23

@MrsBerthaRochester

There is no "evil eye"in Christianity.

Sittingonabench · 18/03/2022 00:45

Nah - I would just explain to B that the friendship has ran its course and you’ve accepted that and moved on. You can’t go back even if you all want to. Maybe arrange some things with the three of you though if those have dropped off as it sounds as though B may be on the receiving end of friendship politics too

NannyKrampus · 18/03/2022 01:56

Personally, I get a cute lil voodoo doll dedicated to C's hubby and stick loads of pins in the balls area... Wink

Squeezita · 18/03/2022 02:28

When baby was born, a and I spent hundreds on clothes and bits, you know how it is.

Why did you and friend A spend hundreds on clothes and bits? Seems like a lot.

Anyway, yanbu for not wanting to forgive and forget, the friendhsip has been soured.

Original poster
Yumyumcakes · 18/03/2022 04:18

@Squeezita

When baby was born, a and I spent hundreds on clothes and bits, you know how it is.

Why did you and friend A spend hundreds on clothes and bits? Seems like a lot.

Anyway, yanbu for not wanting to forgive and forget, the friendhsip has been soured.

We all did it for B when her baby was born, baby shower a little hamper, then some baby clothes then some stuff for mum and dad, few meal cards, adds up you know. Probably £150/200 all in, split 3 ways.

B contributed to Cs gifts too it was just A and I that went out and got them and she paid us back later. Just makes it even more baffling to be told your jealous when you’ve gone out of your way to be nice

OP posts:
autienotnaughty · 18/03/2022 05:00

Too much drama, if c and her dh got in touch directly (with no prompting from b) and apologised for their behaviour you could consider it if it felt sincere but otherwise I'd give them a wide birth.

Sally2791 · 18/03/2022 05:08

I don’t call people who do that stuff “friends”If you go back there will be more bonkers stuff.

CompletelyConfusedMummy · 18/03/2022 05:12

YANBU. Stay away from those people…who knows what other drama they’ll bring later on.

Hallmark1234 · 18/03/2022 05:24

YANBU. I'd stay away from them.

Saying that people have jinxed, or cursed a situation, when it's obvious it had no bearing whatsoever on the baby being jaundiced is a huge red flag. They won't have changed their beliefs and in my experience people don't change and something will crop up again in the future, I'm sure of it. Keep well away!

Faevern · 18/03/2022 05:56

Where is friend a in all if this? Was she accused of being jealous, does she think you should forgive and forget? Do A, B and C meet up without you and then do you meet up with A and B without C?

I agree with pp who have said you can’t move forward without an acknowledgment and apology from C. It’s always going to be the elephant in the room. If B misses the foursome she should ask herself why she didn’t address the dynamic when C and her husband were causing menace.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 18/03/2022 06:26

I'd ignore her. Her behaviour was pathetic. From the sounds of it, you're better off without her in your life.

cocktailclub · 18/03/2022 07:10

I agree with others. If she can do this about having babies, she'll do it about which school they go to, how many GCSEs they get blah blah.
I wouldn't even consider giving her the time of day.

Ohyesiam · 18/03/2022 07:15

Why take any notice of someone like that?
YABU for using “ myself” in place of “ me”.

Original poster
Yumyumcakes · 18/03/2022 08:09

@Faevern

Where is friend a in all if this? Was she accused of being jealous, does she think you should forgive and forget? Do A, B and C meet up without you and then do you meet up with A and B without C?

I agree with pp who have said you can’t move forward without an acknowledgment and apology from C. It’s always going to be the elephant in the room. If B misses the foursome she should ask herself why she didn’t address the dynamic when C and her husband were causing menace.

A was accused of being a jealous jinx but as she was unmarried, single and totally not wanting children it did seem it was more aimed at me as I was the married one at that time and married people should’ have children (according to c’s prince of a husband).

She thought it was ridiculous and also felt really accused by c’s husband when we went around with all the baby stuff and he started on the jinxing bollox. She has no desire to get the band back together either, some of that is going to be do with the fact she’s child free (not a jibe she’s quite a bit younger than the rest of us, with an amazing job) and hanging out with 3 women and their million children is quite boring. When we used to hang out on the regs B would just bring her baby; the older 2 would stay home but now c has 2 young ones as do I, you know it’s a lot.

OP posts:
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