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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Gifting grandparents on Mother's Day/Fathers day?

98 replies

Kage30 · 17/03/2022 11:01

Normal right? I've always had a very close relationship with my maternal grandparents, sadly my grandad is no longer with us though.. my granny is still going strong. Never knew my dad or his family, not that is relevant here really but I did only have one set.

Anyway, as kids we always gave a card and little gift to granny on Mother's Day (Father's Day too for grandad) as well as for my mother. Always carried on doing this as an adult

My granny is an incredible woman. I don't think there's enough Mother's Day cards or gifts in the world to thank her for everything she's done for us both as kids and as adults. She has done a lot more for me than my mum to be honest, I get me mum something too obviously plus my own kids get my mother a card, the card I get my granny is from both me and my kids.

Anyway, dp finds it weird. He has no issue with me getting to granny something but every year he makes a point of saying 'it's Mother's Day, not grandparents day'. I mean he's right technically but still I can't be the only one surely? There's lots of cards in the shop for them.

Dp does not want to get the kids to do a Mother's Day card for his mum from the kids, their nanny. He thinks it's weird. I'm not sure what mil thinks of it herself, never spoken about it.

The difference is Dp had about 60 cousins on his mother's side growing up and was never all that close to his grandparents who also lived a couple hours away. Whereas my grandparents have only a few grandkids and live close by, we seen them every day. It's a whole different dynamic and I don't think he gets it. I don't think he gets what a massive role my grandparents had growing up!

Aibu? I just feel we should get mil a card from grandkids as they will be going one for both my mum and granny. Don't want to leave her out.

OP posts:
linerforlife · 17/03/2022 13:47

Never heard of anyone doing this? My mother would give her mother something but I wouldn't. I would only give something to my own mother.

MindTheGapMoveAlong · 17/03/2022 13:49

Totally normal if you want to do it. I adored my grannies and many years later I was very touched when I found out that they’d both kept all the cards I’d made for them. I’ve got a card and little gift for a new mum in my family this year. It’s her first and she’s doing (unanticipated) single parenthood brilliantly and in very difficult circumstances. I just want her to know that she’s loved and supported.

LondonDadToBe · 17/03/2022 13:49

I think it's normal.

But I would also take your lead on the dynamics in your DP's family from him. In the same way that he doesn't quite understand why you do it the way you do, you may also not know why he does it the way he does.

It's not a right or wrong thing - its horses for courses. So I think you should take the lead on how you want your kids to mark mothers day for their grandmother and great grandmother on your side, and let your DP do the same for their grandmother on his side.

ThatsNotItAtAll · 17/03/2022 13:54

Normal is the wrong word IMO.

Its not abnormal and it's nice if that's how your family works.

However it would be really wrong for this to become a cultural norm in the sense its expected.

Its far more common not to have a grandmother or grandfather - or indeed not to have either - than not to have parents. Its bad enough schools expect children to make fathers day cards ignoring that there'll be children without contact with their fathers. It'd be very reasonable to make a card which could be for a father or a grandfather or indeed anyone in a caring role but hugely insensitive to tell children that its normal to make a card for their parent and grandparent on mother's/ father's day.

Additionally loads and loads of children have grandparents who live hundreds of miles away.

My parents have certainly never done any childcare or played anything like a parental role in my children's lives and it'd be utterly meaningless to imply they did.

I'd hate cards and presents for grandparents on mother's and father's day to become yet another level of commercially driven financial and social obligation. Its bad enough already.

Grandparents are by definition parents and unless they've tragically been predeceased by the child who is parent to their grandchildren its quite enough that they get presents and cards from their own children on mother's/ father's Day.

My mother expected mother's Day to be all about her when we were children (she phoned her own mother, nothing else) but she also expected it to be all about her once she became a grandmother, with a gracious passing mention that her daughters and daughters in law are also mothers - but just a passing mention while being the centre of attention.

My MIL also expected mother's Day to revolve around her as a grandmother.

I played that game as an exhausted younger mother of multiple preschoolers then one day I woke up and thought fuck that. Why am I cooking and cleaning and driving for hours and being on my best behaviour having got up at 5am after an interupted night to celebrate other people's motherhood while the fact I'm the one actively running myself into the ground mothering now, day in day out, is ignored or mentioned condescendingly once for all of 3 seconds.

So I stopped doing that.

Its enough to buy your own mother a present IMO unless your grandmother really did bring you up or your parent predeceased their mother.

Lulu1919 · 17/03/2022 14:01

Not in our family
We give to our mothers

My children give to me ..their grandma isn't their mother and she has a card from me !!!

Same for Fathers Day

eatyourcrustspls · 17/03/2022 14:11

I don't get anything for my mum from DC. My DH gets his mum a card from our kids, she does a lot for them. It has been a bone of contention over the years but I've learnt to live with it. I just don't go and see her on the day, I don't see my own (low contact).

Rewis · 17/03/2022 14:14

Sent a mother's day/fathers day cards to my grandparents till they passed away. My parents get a card/gift from grandkids (well joint with kids/grandkids)

squashyhat · 17/03/2022 14:19

Gift is not a verb. You don't gift anyone anything at any time.

Jericha · 17/03/2022 14:20

We don't but I wouldn't scoff or say it's weird if my husband did it for his grandparents.

StringersBell · 17/03/2022 14:23

Agree with others that it’s only ‘normal’ if it’s what your family does! Just as everyone seems to celebrate Christmas in their own way, with their own traditions, everyone will do the same on other occasions too.

To me, I find it odd that grandmothers are celebrated on Mother’s Day by anyone than their own children. It’s ‘mothers’ day not ‘grand parents’ day. I happily share the day with my mil in the sense that we all go out, as it’s her Mother’s Day too - but my DC gives me a card and little gift and my DO does the same for MiL. On her birthday I facilitate gifts and cards from D.C. of course bud not mother day.

But that’s just how I see it/have always done it. As above, I understand others see it differently!

AlexaShutUp · 17/03/2022 14:28

Agree with others that it’s only ‘normal’ if it’s what your family does!

I disagree. Things can be "normal" even if you don't do them yourself. I think "normal" just means common or widespread.

For example, my family don't eat meat, but I still think it's normal for people to eat it if they want to!

VeganSeason · 17/03/2022 14:52

No, I wouldn’t send card to grandparents. They get a card from their own children on Mothers/Father’s Day. But to be honest I think mothers/Father’s Day is a load of rubbish anyway.

YorkshireIndie · 17/03/2022 14:55

I do it for my parents from my DS as we live with them and they help raise him but I do not do it for my parents in law as they do not help raise him. I never did it for my grandmother but my cousins did as she helped raise them

perimenofertility · 17/03/2022 15:05

No, not in my family, although we don't really do a lot to mark the day anyway. Mother's day as we have it now is an over-hyped hallmark holiday. It used to be a religious festival to celebrate the mother of Jesus but over the years has been turned into a commercialised buy-lots-of-stuff celebration.

cherryonthecakes · 17/03/2022 15:09

It's not normal for me as my grandmothers didn't do any mothering but I know families where they do lots so deserve the thanks. I also see other women looking out for kids who aren't theirs so totally agree that they should be included on Mothering Sunday.

inappropriateraspberry · 17/03/2022 15:36

@perimenofertility

No, not in my family, although we don't really do a lot to mark the day anyway. Mother's day as we have it now is an over-hyped hallmark holiday. It used to be a religious festival to celebrate the mother of Jesus but over the years has been turned into a commercialised buy-lots-of-stuff celebration.
It was never about Mary! It was a day when people would go home to visit their 'mother church,' where they were baptised and therefore see their family and mother as well. For those in service or working away from home, it was often a very rare day off and chance to see family.
PerfectlyImperfectme · 17/03/2022 15:45

All the women in my Mum's side of the family helped raise us so all got cards, Mum, Nan, godmother & great Auntie who never had her own children. We'd have been & are now lost without some of these women. A card, flowers and enjoying a cuppa togu on Mother's Day is nothing compared to the love & support we got from them each day

DappledThings · 17/03/2022 15:51

I get my mum a card, DH gets his mum a card. Wouldn't occur to either of us to get anything from our DC to their grandmothers. I'm with your DP, it's Mother's Day, not Granny's Day.

It's nice if you want to do it but I don't think it's a massively popular or standard thing to do.

RewildingAmbridge · 17/03/2022 15:54

I wouldn't but it's up to you, my gran gets cards and gifts from my mum and her other children (my aunt's and uncles), my mum gets cards and gifts from me and my brother her children, I get a card and gift from my child. We do often have lunch together

Womencanlift · 17/03/2022 16:30

Have the posters who have never heard of giving grandparents a card or think it’s not normal never wondered why there are Granny/Gran/Nan cards stocked alongside the Mum ones in every card shop right now? Same at Fathers Day

Ragruggers · 17/03/2022 16:39

Does it really matter.All families are different but can it do any harm to send cards and little gifts to grandparents when they are important to the grandchildren.

inappropriateraspberry · 17/03/2022 16:44

@Womencanlift

Have the posters who have never heard of giving grandparents a card or think it’s not normal never wondered why there are Granny/Gran/Nan cards stocked alongside the Mum ones in every card shop right now? Same at Fathers Day
Because they are cashing in and encouraging people to buy more cards, to make them more money!
mewkins · 17/03/2022 16:46

@Danikm151

We do it. They're a still a mother. It's mothering Sunday, they are a mother figure. There is a grandparent's day but it doesn't have the same feel as mother's day.. feels made up to pander to the moaners/card companies.
I went to Catholic and C of E schools (this may be relevant) and we had it firmly drummed into us that it is Mothering Sunday and so appropriate to thank anyone, man or woman, who has taken in that role.
HAF1119 · 17/03/2022 16:48

My mumma gets a card from me and a card and gift from my LO she adores the ones from LO, in fact it was her who said not to do a gift from me anymore just something homemade or photos of LO, for us it has been the norm, down DP side we don't

Though I didn't do it for either of my grandparents but my mum, dad and my LO are very close

DuckyNoMates · 17/03/2022 16:53

I think everyone should stick to buying their own mothers a gift but there is nothing wrong if a family buys for grandmas too. My MIL however takes right over and makes the whole day about her forgetting that her sons are also married to women who are the mothers of her grandchildren.

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