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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

is ds doing this on purpose?

32 replies

OverproofRum · 17/03/2022 09:13

For the love of God please someone explain to me what on earth is going on with my ds11?

He is slowly driving me insane with his constant moaning and nitpicking over everything.
Everyday I wake him up there seems to be something wrong with him, be it a headache belly ache, fucking toenailache! He is so highly strung Its honestly driving me nuts, he's late for school most days and also makes ds2 late because of his sheer lack of movement.
This morning apparently his bike is stiff and will only go slow there is absolutely nothing wrong with his bike, it has recently had a full service and he rode it yesterday and there was nothing wrong with it.

He moves at the pace of a sloth, takes 10 mins to put on a pair of socks or shoes, complains the shoes are too small again they are relatively new and fit him perfectly. I make breakfast and he moans he doesn't want it, he wanted something else, is always up and down the stairs putting stuff in his bag when it should have already been done or I've done it and then he's conveniently forgotten something.
You can't say boo to him without a complete meltdown or he get angry, It's like he thinks the whole world revolves around him and everyone has to go where he wants on his schedule and God help anyone who doesn't do it.
I'm a single working parent and am honestly trying to do my best but it's really starting to affect my relationship with him as I just don't want to be around him, it's also affecting his brother who even though he is a bit of a dolly day dreamer gets things done and is quite happy to just go with the flow and very relaxed.

I don't even know what to do anymore

OP posts:

Gindrinker43 · 17/03/2022 10:02

Some of this is normal boy behaviour, but it does sound like he's trying to avoid going to school. Is there something at school that's worrying him that you aren't aware of?

Maybebaby8 · 17/03/2022 11:04

I could have written this about my 11 year old daughter. She does everything in her own time and when SHE wants to do it. As you've said it's massively affected our relationship and not to add she just wants to sit in her room and ignore everyone!

Unfortunately for us I've had to become the mean parent. And I've told her that what ever state she's in, if she's not ready to leave for school that's how she will be going, whether that's pjs or not. I've also had to clear her room out of everything, because I'd catch her just sitting there messing about. It's really hard as like you I'm a single parent with very little support around me

WhackingPhoenix · 17/03/2022 11:10

Honestly, he sounds neurodivergent. Has he ever been assessed?

123fushia · 17/03/2022 11:22

That sounds hard for all of you. My advice would be to take a breath and ease pressure on you all for a couple of days. They are only 11 once and the impact of covid on children and their mental health is becoming more and more apparent.
Talk to him calmly about how you both feel, and arrange to work together each evening to get everything ready for the next day. Maybe talk about a ‘health plan’ for you all and think about meals, sleep, exercise etc that you can work towards for the next couple of weeks. New start and less pressure for you all may help to build his confidence.
A nephew of mine was the same, and his busy parents thought that as he was 11 he should be different. He always seemed to be doing something wrong, and they thought they had to be on at him constantly to get anything done. He is 24 now but lacks all confidence and is anxious about everything.

BlingLoving · 17/03/2022 11:52

Is he Year 6 or Year 7? Either way, both years are quite stressful and it does sound like he doesn't want to go to school. DS (also 11, year 6) has had more "sick" days this year than in his entire school career combined. Preparation for SATS (which he will do badly in) is stressing him out, thinking about high school etc.

Also, while all of these things could be linked to him just trying to avoid school, they also sound a lot like DS who has sensory processing disorder and also reduced executive function. Planning and organising is a real challenge for him. Clothing too - socks and shoes especially. We moved to seamless bamboo socks about 4 years ago and it honestly changed our lives because he stopped constantly complaining about his shoes.

Some of DS' poor planning and slowness has led to huge arguments between us. Ironically, that then drives a reset where we sit down and we agree that me shouting and getting furious is NOT helping but that him not getting on with things is not helping either. Touch wood, a a few months ago it all came to a head and we were both just so upset but actually things are a lot better - I tell him without shouting, but he knows he has to keep moving. it does help that he gets himself to school so me and DD are not affected if he's faffing about.

Pixiedust1234 · 17/03/2022 11:55

Hormones. Welcome to hell

MrsRhodes · 17/03/2022 12:05

@WhackingPhoenix

Honestly, he sounds neurodivergent. Has he ever been assessed?

This is the first thing that popped into my head; I'm a parent of two neurodivergent children and this sounds very similar to my eldest child who received a staggeringly late diagnosis (high school).

nokidshere · 17/03/2022 12:07

It's relatively normal behaviour for an 11yr old. I used to just acknowledge my own child's whinges and gripes cheerfully 'oh gosh you poor thing' 'really? That sounds tough' etc with a big smile all the while carrying on with what I was doing and generally not getting drawn into the moan and groans.

No one was allowed downstairs unless fully washed & dressed, all bags packed the night before and by the door, no tv unless they had had breakfast and were in shoes/coats and ready to leave.

For my sloth like child I simply moved the times/clocks forward half an hour which gave us all a bit of breathing space. He's 23 now ands he's always on time for stuff. Some children are just slower than others and trying to rush around doesn't work for them.

QuinkWashable · 17/03/2022 12:16

I hate to say it, but is it not just puberty?

My DS has always taken ages to do something, and been easily distracted, but he's dyspraxic, and so putting on socks is genuinely tricky for him and organisation is a constant struggle - but he doesn't moan (well, he's always been a little bit of a hypochondriac - but I suspect he does ache a lot of the time, because of his dyspraxia)

What works for my DS: routine, very simple checklists and alarms, one thing at a time.

So at 7:30 an alarm goes off and that's time to put on shoes and socks, before he leaves the house I yell 'FOUR THINGS' and he checks he has his coat, bag, lunch and glasses (hoping to habit stack on this later)

goldensilver · 17/03/2022 12:24

My 13 yr old ds is like this but he is dyspraxic and also other sensory/neuro issues. He will just come right out and say that he hates school. He doesn't want to get up and go so struggles a lot to get moving. He seems miserable all the time and everything apart from just lying on his bed on his phone feels like you've asked him to climb Mount Everest. Following with interest!

goldensilver · 17/03/2022 12:25

And I'd say a third of it is puberty, a third of it is being neurodiverse and a third of it is just being a teenager!

GoldFigure · 17/03/2022 12:28

I have an autistic teen and I can relate. It doesn't sound deliberate to me. Swap as much as possible to the night before - bag packing, PE kit etc. - and use checklists so you're nagging him to check his list rather than 20 different things. It's exhausting.

Check his bike if you haven't already, just in case one of the brakes has shifted.

Lia198 · 17/03/2022 12:38

@WhackingPhoenix

Honestly, he sounds neurodivergent. Has he ever been assessed?

That’s what I wondered as this sounds exactly like my Autistic 10 year old! Although it’s hard to know sometimes if his behaviours are just normal age behaviour or because of his Autism as he is my eldest.

EmpressCixi · 17/03/2022 12:40

You need to find out why he is being school avoidant. Have an honest chat with him.

SartresSoul · 17/03/2022 13:32

Sounds like he’s trying to dodge school, speak to him and get to the bottom of it.

Bassetlover · 17/03/2022 13:40

Why is every response to any post on here suggesting the subject is on the spcrum, has adhd, is neuro diverse? He sounds like lots of pain in the arse teens I know. I was also like this. Why do we have to pathologise everyone?

Elsiebear90 · 17/03/2022 13:46

I agree with @Bassetlover he just sounds a bit precious, unless this only happens around school time and in that case I think he’s avoiding school. I wouldn’t give him the attention he wants, he needs some tough love then hopefully he will grow out of it. My brother was a bit like this as was my fiancées brother, they’re both fine now as adults.

HereComesTheSum · 17/03/2022 13:48

@Bassetlover

I agree

WhackingPhoenix · 17/03/2022 13:50

@Bassetlover

Attitudes like this are how neurodivergent kids get written off as being ‘naughty’ and therefore don’t get the support they need. He might just be a naughty kid, but he also might have additional needs. It’s a valid suggestion.

Gowithme · 17/03/2022 13:53

@Bassetlover

Because a lot of people on here have children with ASD that wasn't picked up for a long time and recognise the traits? Poor executive function, being highly sensitive and completely self absorbed are pretty common.

EmpressCixi · 17/03/2022 13:54

@Elsiebear90

I agree with *@Bassetlover* he just sounds a bit precious, unless this only happens around school time and in that case I think he’s avoiding school. I wouldn’t give him the attention he wants, he needs some tough love then hopefully he will grow out of it. My brother was a bit like this as was my fiancées brother, they’re both fine now as adults.

Unless he’s being bullied or abused by a staff member or is actually nuerodiverse. You can’t call a child precious, attention seeking and in need of “tough love” without knowing why he is exhibiting school avoidance behaviours. Generally, I think 11yr olds are on the whole not little shits. So why not talk to the kid and listen to why he suddenly doesn’t like school?

carefullycourageous · 17/03/2022 13:58

You have three issues:

moaning - this is very common
not wanting to go to school - this needs investigation
meltdown/angry - welcome to puberty

I would also remind every parent our children have had an absolutely SHITE two years and the whole medical and educational establishment is braced for the fall out.

I'd keep a watchful eye, try to find out what is wrong with school and start discussing hormones with him. Mine all felt better when I explained that they might feel weird due to hormones.

bookbuddy · 17/03/2022 14:11

I feel your pain my now 16 year old dd is very much like this! She’s always been slow getting ready socks & tights seem to be the biggest issue (it pains me to watch her put them on). Unfortunately I don’t have any advice other than to keep on encouraging bag pack uniform prep’d the night before. The mornings are particularly bad here but as the day goes on she does get easier. Within the last 6 months there have been moments of ‘turning a corner’ but then bang back to square one. I also do not argue with her as that seems to give her an excuse as to why she behaves like it, I now just say one word like socks/trousers/ shoes etc to keep her moving but honestly it drives me bonkers!

HyggeTygge · 17/03/2022 14:14

@MrsRhodes what was the diagnosis, if you don't mind me asking?

Sunnytwobridges · 17/03/2022 14:34

@Bassetlover

Agreed. I know lots of parents with teens/tweens like this and they dont have a condition except being lazy, bull headed, and ornery. Most of the time on purpose because at that age that's just how they are.

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