When, if ever, is it ok to fall asleep while holding your child?

MarianosOnHisWay · 2022-03-15T23:16:26+00:00

So obviously it’s a big no-no to fall asleep while holding your 3 month old. But if you had a poorly 10 year old fall asleep on you, it’s probably ok for you to fall asleep too? So where does the cut off come? Is it ok to fall asleep holding a sleeping 5 year old? 3 year old? My just turned 1 year old has never slept through the night, is not a very good sleeper at all and on the worst nights I need to sit up holding her for part/most of the night (DP also taking a turn). And I’m looking forward hopefully to a time when I might be able to cuddle her while she sleeps on me and I lay my head back on my support pillow and drift off myself… Maybe the day will come that she stays in her cot and sleeps through the night before the age where it would be ok to drift off holding her. However my older DD didn’t sleep through til 3yo. I’m back at work now and pretty exhausted.

Merryoldgoat · 15/03/2022 23:24

I regularly slept with my child on me when they were 6 months plus. However they were very big and it was in a bed safely.

AlmostAlwyn · 15/03/2022 23:28

In my opinion, once they're got the head and neck control and strength to move themselves if they somehow get into a position where their airways are blocked. This is less likely to happen if you're bedsharing safely. Can you do that? Sounds like it would be less disruptive than you or DP having to sit up half the night!

GibbonsGoatsGibbons · 15/03/2022 23:31

In a bed on your back 1yr old on top of you - all the usual bed sharing guidelines followed.

I'm not sure what your concern is?

FWIW I would try to move baby (once asleep) from your chest onto the bed next to you simply to improve your sleep.

Original poster

MarianosOnHisWay · 15/03/2022 23:31

@AlmostAlwyn

In my opinion, once they're got the head and neck control and strength to move themselves if they somehow get into a position where their airways are blocked. This is less likely to happen if you're bedsharing safely. Can you do that? Sounds like it would be less disruptive than you or DP having to sit up half the night!

We do bed share safely a lot of the time, where we all sleep at the same time, however we do have some bad nights where she won’t even go down literally right next to me in my bed, she wakes immediately, so sitting up holding her is the only way to ensure she stays asleep.

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Original poster

MarianosOnHisWay · 15/03/2022 23:32

@GibbonsGoatsGibbons

In a bed on your back 1yr old on top of you - all the usual bed sharing guidelines followed.

I'm not sure what your concern is?

FWIW I would try to move baby (once asleep) from your chest onto the bed next to you simply to improve your sleep.

My concern is smothering/suffocating.

I do try to move her next to me into the bed, sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t.

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Babyfg · 15/03/2022 23:45

My one year old is asleep next to me in bed now. He loved sleeping on my chest but he got so heavy it was ruining my back.

What helped my one transition from my chest was I used to snuggle into him like the safe c I think it's called. And I used to warn him and talk him through the change. Like I'd say tonight we're going to lay down and go to sleep and remind him when he wasn't listen. I think they understand quite a bit when they're one that talking helps.

Now if he wakes up and doesn't settle with the normal methods (shushing and patting back etc) I talk nonsense to him in a really boring way. The two things I talk most about are, baby likes cars and carrots and jumping and the slide (basically a long list of anything they like-a lot gets repeated when I run out) and the other one is today we got up and put on your clothes, we had toast for breakfast and you fed yourself. We went for a walk and saw a tree and a bus and a cat and a stick. Basically I list a lot of things to him and either I bore him back to sleep or it distracts him with positive things and he drifts off.

I wouldn't worry about getting her into a cot or bed (unless it's for your mental health). This is my third and I did the same with all of them they barely used their cots. My older two are amazing sleepers and only rarely come into me if they're I'll or had a bad dream even though they're always welcome in my bed.

Also random but do you still breastfeed? Mine didn't sleep through the night until I cut night feds.

Incognito32 · 15/03/2022 23:58

Could you get a snuza hero? You can buy them at argos, boots, curry's, amazon. It clips on to a nappy, and if they stop breathing it sounds an alarm.

www.boots.com/snuza-hero-md-baby-breathing-monitor-10302878-

Instafreak231 · 16/03/2022 00:26

Oh dear - I regularly co slept with my baby from birth! Didn’t realise it was a big no no.
anyway you’re not going to smother a one year old for goodness sake unless you’re:
A) enormous
B) catatonic

Rno3gfr · 16/03/2022 00:47

I co-slept with my son between the ages of 6-14 months until he absolutely refused to settle, even in my arms. We had to turn to gentle sleep training techniques to get him sleeping in his cot because I couldn’t cope with the exhaustion.

Saracen · 16/03/2022 01:56

I fell asleep holding my children from the day they were born. It always felt safe to me.

If you feel that you're a heavy sleeper, or you've taken medication/alcohol etc that means you might roll on top of her then I can see why you might not feel able to.

I haven't quite followed what you're concerned about though - she sleeps in bed with you sometimes and that works okay, but you are worried about sleeping with her on top of you?

Original poster

MarianosOnHisWay · 16/03/2022 02:12

@Babyfg

My one year old is asleep next to me in bed now. He loved sleeping on my chest but he got so heavy it was ruining my back.

What helped my one transition from my chest was I used to snuggle into him like the safe c I think it's called. And I used to warn him and talk him through the change. Like I'd say tonight we're going to lay down and go to sleep and remind him when he wasn't listen. I think they understand quite a bit when they're one that talking helps.

Now if he wakes up and doesn't settle with the normal methods (shushing and patting back etc) I talk nonsense to him in a really boring way. The two things I talk most about are, baby likes cars and carrots and jumping and the slide (basically a long list of anything they like-a lot gets repeated when I run out) and the other one is today we got up and put on your clothes, we had toast for breakfast and you fed yourself. We went for a walk and saw a tree and a bus and a cat and a stick. Basically I list a lot of things to him and either I bore him back to sleep or it distracts him with positive things and he drifts off.

I wouldn't worry about getting her into a cot or bed (unless it's for your mental health). This is my third and I did the same with all of them they barely used their cots. My older two are amazing sleepers and only rarely come into me if they're I'll or had a bad dream even though they're always welcome in my bed.

Also random but do you still breastfeed? Mine didn't sleep through the night until I cut night feds.

Yes I still breastfeed

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Original poster

MarianosOnHisWay · 16/03/2022 02:13

@Instafreak231

Oh dear - I regularly co slept with my baby from birth! Didn’t realise it was a big no no. anyway you’re not going to smother a one year old for goodness sake unless you’re: A) enormous B) catatonic

I’m not talking about co-sleeping- I am very happy to do that safely. I am talking about falling asleep holding them in your arms.

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Original poster

MarianosOnHisWay · 16/03/2022 02:21

Thanks for the replies, as I’ve said, I’m happy to co-sleep following safe guidelines (ie baby dish next to you on a flat surface) but always thought falling asleep holding them in your arms was a big no-no. I’m pleasantly surprised to find it’s considered ok to fall asleep holding your baby, even to the point where some posters are confused about why I’d be concerned. I am actually holding her right now, after a breastfeed and a few failed attempts to lay her down, as she’s snotty and grumpy due to teething, so I’m going to lay my head back now and try to drift off. Thanks all

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grey12 · 16/03/2022 02:39

From birth 🤷🏻‍♀️ had not option with DD1

But did you say your child was 1?! Of course you can sleep with them!!! Unless you take heavy prescription drugs.....

Original poster

MarianosOnHisWay · 16/03/2022 02:43

@grey12

From birth 🤷🏻‍♀️ had not option with DD1

But did you say your child was 1?! Of course you can sleep with them!!! Unless you take heavy prescription drugs.....

Just to clarify, I’m not talking about co-sleeping with her, which I’m happy to do. I’m talking about falling asleep while sitting up holding her in my arms.

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Happyhappyday · 16/03/2022 02:56

You’re fine, SIDS risk drops WAY off after 4 months. My 3 year old sleeps with a pillow on her face most nights (voluntarily). Her pediatrician isn’t concerned. 🤷‍♀️

grey12 · 16/03/2022 02:59

@MarianosOnHisWay DD1 would NOT be put down! EVER so yes........

BFPDec21 · 16/03/2022 04:11

I'm going to go against the grain and say falling asleep with a child on you probably isn't really advisable. You risk dropping them off the side of the bed/sofa if you don't do it very carefully and also you don't know what you will do in your sleep if you're exhausted.

That being said, I definitely had to do it for short periods during the night at times. It always scared me though (and I say that as someone who co-slept from birth out of necessity).

What a PP suggested is probably more ideal and is what I did - scoot them down into the crook of your arm after they're settled and try and lay them down so you're into the 'C' position previously mentioned. Try and do this in the golden window where you can move them if you can.

1forAll74 · 16/03/2022 04:36

i have never known anyone who co sleeps wirh a baby or small child.

When I had babies years ago, I used to have a small carry cot thing by the side of the bed,if the baby was a bit restless for a while, which wasn't very often, Babies will get too used to co sleeping, then it will become a habit.

Motherchicken · 16/03/2022 04:45

Do you breastfeed her to sleep?
Could you try laying her on the bed whichever side you are feeding on, your arm above her head and laying on your side. I used to stay like this, and would know they are asleep when they “released” the nipple. Then I would just roll onto my back. Also I would often just fall asleep in this position and roll onto my back in my sleep.

Sleepingonmyfeet · 16/03/2022 04:54

Tbh I don’t think there’s a safety concern so much as it’s probably really uncomfortable and suffocating for you.

I ask for very little but being able to stretch out and sleep in my own bed is something I do need. My own DS went through a stage of refusing to sleep in his cot and I got very depressed on the back of it.

SpringRainbow · 16/03/2022 05:15

I often fell asleep with my children in my arms. Not by choice but through sheer exhaustion. Once I was aware I would move them next to me and thankfully nothing happened.

Speaking to various HCP most seemed to think the risk reduced greatly (even if it’s still not ideal) once they have good head control.

They all said it’s best to try steps to get them to sleep next to you/ in their own bed. However, recognise that we are not robots, we need sleep, and if that is the only way to get some sleep that night then needs must.

The main thing is trying to reduce as many risks as possible.

Marvellousmadness · 16/03/2022 05:23

Just start to let her sleep in her own cot and let her cry.
Because what you are doing now is not sustainable. And not helping either her or yourself

TheWayTheLightFalls · 16/03/2022 05:39

If you're holding her in your arms there is a risk of you dropping her if you fall asleep, so I guess try to replicate the same position but on the bed/on a pillow.

More generally, your post is shouting SLEEP TRAINING very loudly. This isn't sustainable - you're knackered, your kid is probably not getting good quality sleep, and she's only getting bigger and harder to shift out of her habits. I'd really encourage you to find some way of getting past this for all your sakes.

Bdhntbis · 16/03/2022 06:47

I relaxed on this when DD was 1 with all the considerations given to making sure she wasn’t too hot, bed cover wasn’t too high, I hadn’t been drinking etc
I needed sleep at that point