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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To know how to reach a compromise here.

34 replies

Fedupmum13 · 15/03/2022 21:33

I'll try not to drip feed...
Daughter nearly 3 and step son who is 8 (and autistic which is relevant to this). We have ds every weekend and 1 day midweek, it's been the set up since he was 1.
Every weekend when thinking of plans, Dp will say 'well, DS will want to play with his friends, so a weekend around the house'. Which is absolutely fine some weekends, but obviously dd is too young to be content with playing with ds friends as they are 10, 11 years old. We do try and play hide and seek and other games etc. Ultimately after working all week, I want dd to experience other things too. Invariably most weekends I then book (and always take) her to soft play for a few hours on the Saturday so she gets to do an activity she enjoys. We never get to go out as a family as ds 'doesn't want to go' or, according to my dp, will kick off if we do. He's happiest on his i pad in doors (sometimes with friends). I feel weekends are therefore dictated by ds (through dp). Before dd came along and obviously when ds was younger, we used to experience so much every weekend. I can't help but feel dd is missing out. My dp has taken ds to loads of places around his passion (weekends away abroad etc.) and really indulged his hobby. He is very very spoilt by both mum /dad but again dd misses out. Basically, I'm the only one booking or thinking of activities for her.
Dp and I have just had a row about thinking of plans for this weekend. I've said 'it's going to be sunny and nice, any ideas what we can do?', Dp has replied 'well, ds will want to play with friends' I've said 'yeh no probs, let's do that for one day and then the other day let's go out, maybe to [outdoor play place near us]'. Dps response 'no, ds won't like that, he'll either refuse to go or meltdown when there'. His autism means he is prone to emotional outbursts but mostly he is fine. I just feel ds has always been pandered to by everyone but now dd is missing out.
What do I do? Dps dad thinks we should have ds every other weekend as he can sre the effect and stress it's having. Dp won't do this as he feels he would be hugely letting ds down (which I can understand). Would be interested to know how other blended families make this work.

OP posts:
Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 15/03/2022 21:37

Make a list of places dd would enjoy and take her yourself. Explain to dh he can tell dd why ds gets his way every week end when dd asks in the future.. He needs to be aware his relationship with dd will be limited. Has dh got dps who could have ds now and again?
My ds has suspected autism and with notice and gentle persuasion can manage days out. Point is your dh isn't even trying... Seems taking the laziest option and blaming ds..

AryaStarkWolf · 15/03/2022 21:37

Well it's very unfair in your DD isn't it, its clear favouritism

GeneLovesJezebel · 15/03/2022 21:39

It is unfair, and I wonder if staying at home suits dad.

Original poster
Fedupmum13 · 15/03/2022 21:40

Dp moans weekly how 'he doesn't spend time with dd' but then when I offer for him to take her to soft play and ill stay in with da, he always finds an excuse. He hasn't taken her out by himself since last August (when I was in hospital for a day). He has this constant guilt because he doesn't see ds all of the time. I just feel exasperated by it all to be honest.

OP posts:
Quitelikeit · 15/03/2022 21:40

At the very least it should be Saturday for his choices and Sunday for your daughters choices

You can go without them though? Although not much fun if you’re on your own

Quitelikeit · 15/03/2022 21:41

Maybe your husband is lazy and just can’t be bothered

Also with an age gap like that it would be b hard to find a joint activity anyway

Original poster
Fedupmum13 · 15/03/2022 21:42

Unfortunately no family help at all, my parents work and then like their own time on weekend and his dad is miles away. I've said to him that if ds wants to sit indoors on his i pad all day, then he might as well do that at his mums. When I do book something for dd (after checking what plans we have) he always comments that 'oh, I'm missing out again'. I literally can't win.

OP posts:
coodawoodashooda · 15/03/2022 21:42

I think your dp is lazy and is using your dss as an excuse

GeneLovesJezebel · 15/03/2022 21:42

This situation is already starting to cause resentment. If it doesn’t change, it won’t end well.

Original poster
Fedupmum13 · 15/03/2022 21:44

It's always me with dd and dp with ds despite my numerous offers to swap. Being with ds is much less labour intensive as he is on his i pad or over next doors with his best friend.
In the morning I'm just going to tell him I'm booking something for the weekend.

OP posts:
GeneLovesJezebel · 15/03/2022 21:45

Do you ever have a weekend where he is with mum ?

Original poster
Fedupmum13 · 15/03/2022 21:46

Nope, he's always with us, court ordered and what she wanted, been in place since he was 1.

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 15/03/2022 21:48

If you suggest an activity and he refuses, DD and you should do it anyway. If DSS won't enjoy the outing and DP refuses to participate, why should DD miss out? DP sounds like he won't change his involvement, so it's tough titty that he feels he's missing out. Stop dancing to his tune, suit yourself and get out there and enjoy fun things with your DD. There is no compromise.

Original poster
Fedupmum13 · 15/03/2022 21:49

I agree. I need to be firmer with it all. I've taken her to a lot of places but now the weather is getting better, it would be nice to go as a family, or at least with another adult for support.

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 15/03/2022 21:51

Yes. It would be nice, but it's a fight to make it happen. How exhausting.

Squeezita · 15/03/2022 21:52

It sounds like dp wants to be a martyr or a saint by staying with ds at home all the time, instead of taking him out.

When really he gets to sit on his arse as ds is on his tablet all day and you’re entertaining an active 3 year old.

Don’t pander to dp anymore, make plans with dad and don’t even consult dp, and when he moans tell him don’t be a manchild.

Squeezita · 15/03/2022 21:52

*dd not dad

Original poster
Fedupmum13 · 15/03/2022 21:53

Yep! I suppose maybe it's no different to other parents with children with big age gaps. The difference is that they probably don't give their older child a choice in what they'll do every weekend.

OP posts:
thebellsesmereldathebells · 15/03/2022 21:54

One of mine has autism. It was NEVER a reason to limit our activities as a family, he just required a bit more planning/notice/a little extra thought and effort to make our plans workable with him in tow.

Your DP is just being lazy, I'm afraid. Easier for him to let you entertain DD, the friends entertain DS and he just stays at home doing as he pleases. Not family life, not good enough and I wouldn't accept it. The stepparent thing really isn't that relevant here.

Original poster
Fedupmum13 · 15/03/2022 21:56

I agree, it's no different to other parents with big ish gaps.
Ds has been allowed to dictate. I don't expect ds to want to come to soft play but we think of lots of fun activities he would enjoy. Dp and ds mum have always allowed him to 'rule the roost' too much. I've been around ds for 7.5 years and know him inside out but my opinion doesn't count for much

OP posts:
Original poster
Fedupmum13 · 15/03/2022 21:57

Yep, I'd love an afternoon at home cleaning or sitting down with dss!

OP posts:
Heartofglass12345 · 15/03/2022 22:20

My son is autistic and is like this. He would be happy to not have to leave the house at all most days. It's probably anxiety based and it's not pandering to him when it forces him into a meltdown and ruins the day anyway. My son likes being places but getting there is the hard part. It's got harder as he's got older as well. It does limit what we do some weekends, but after he's been in school all week I don't force him to be occupied all weekend. Try and have a bit of understanding and ask if your husband has actually asked your son if he wants to do these things or to come up with ideas for things to do together.

Original poster
Fedupmum13 · 15/03/2022 22:23

I am very understanding, and have compromised a huge amount for my dss. His is anxiety related too, we involve him a lot in discussions and he's very articulate. His response is mostly that he wants to play Minecraft with his friends.

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 15/03/2022 22:26

The OP says that her opinion doesn't count for much. DSS has 2 parents who appear to be happy with his minimal interest in weekend outings. Being understanding is important, but shouldn't result in any curtailment of her plans.

Original poster
Fedupmum13 · 15/03/2022 22:30

I think that's it, he's been able for such a long long time to choose his weekend plans and he doesn't need to compromise. But now his only sibling is at an age where she enjoys certain activities we are coming to a sticking point. I've told dp that whatever we finally decide we are doing on the weekend (1 of the days), that we will tell dss tomorrow so he's got plenty of time to get his head around it. If he refuses to go on the day itself... Then, who knows. I'd be tempted to say we go anyway and he can stay with his mum, but that sounds cruel. Argh!

OP posts:
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