To know how to reach a compromise here.

[Fedupmum13]

I'll try not to drip feed...
Daughter nearly 3 and step son who is 8 (and autistic which is relevant to this). We have ds every weekend and 1 day midweek, it's been the set up since he was 1.
Every weekend when thinking of plans, Dp will say 'well, DS will want to play with his friends, so a weekend around the house'. Which is absolutely fine some weekends, but obviously dd is too young to be content with playing with ds friends as they are 10, 11 years old. We do try and play hide and seek and other games etc. Ultimately after working all week, I want dd to experience other things too. Invariably most weekends I then book (and always take) her to soft play for a few hours on the Saturday so she gets to do an activity she enjoys. We never get to go out as a family as ds 'doesn't want to go' or, according to my dp, will kick off if we do. He's happiest on his i pad in doors (sometimes with friends). I feel weekends are therefore dictated by ds (through dp). Before dd came along and obviously when ds was younger, we used to experience so much every weekend. I can't help but feel dd is missing out. My dp has taken ds to loads of places around his passion (weekends away abroad etc.) and really indulged his hobby. He is very very spoilt by both mum /dad but again dd misses out. Basically, I'm the only one booking or thinking of activities for her.
Dp and I have just had a row about thinking of plans for this weekend. I've said 'it's going to be sunny and nice, any ideas what we can do?', Dp has replied 'well, ds will want to play with friends' I've said 'yeh no probs, let's do that for one day and then the other day let's go out, maybe to [outdoor play place near us]'. Dps response 'no, ds won't like that, he'll either refuse to go or meltdown when there'. His autism means he is prone to emotional outbursts but mostly he is fine. I just feel ds has always been pandered to by everyone but now dd is missing out.
What do I do? Dps dad thinks we should have ds every other weekend as he can sre the effect and stress it's having. Dp won't do this as he feels he would be hugely letting ds down (which I can understand). Would be interested to know how other blended families make this work.

If he refuses to go on the day itself... Then, who knows. I'd be tempted to say we go anyway and he can stay with his mum, but that sounds cruel. Argh!
I'd leave it up to DP to deal with a refusal to go. He can decide what to do, them you're not the big bad stepmum. Regardless of what happens, you and DD go.

Yeh true enough. Thank you its helped writing it all down too.

I think every time your dp whines he doesn't do anything with dd you bat it straight back at him - 'Yes that does seem to be what you've chosen doesn't it?' Make it clear this is a situation of his making and he is the only one who can change it.

Sorry if I sounded harsh in my last post, I think I was projecting
I constantly feel guilty that I'm letting my kids down, I don't do enough with one of them and feel bad for forcing the other one to do things (although once we're there he usually enjoys it!)
I think I'm still coming to terms with the fact that his autism mostly dictates what we do. It might be a bit easier for us as they are only 2.5 years apart and his brother will play games with him.
We let our son bring his phone with him so he can play games if he wants to but we tend to find he will put it away when he realises he's actually enjoying himself. Would that be an option?
It has to be somewhere fun though, places like museums are no good as he gets bored and just wants to walk straight through lol
It must be hard for you not having him there full time and being a stepmum.

@Justmuddlingalong

If you suggest an activity and he refuses, DD and you should do it anyway. If DSS won't enjoy the outing and DP refuses to participate, why should DD miss out? DP sounds like he won't change his involvement, so it's tough titty that he feels he's missing out. Stop dancing to his tune, suit yourself and get out there and enjoy fun things with your DD. There is no compromise.

Well yes but it’s not very nice dor OP either to have to do everything on her own with the three year old while her DP is sitting on the couch at home while his son plays on the iPad.

It's not nice or ideal. But if it's the only way her DD can do weekend activities, and OP's happy to do it, it's necessary.

@Fedupmum13

I agree, it's no different to other parents with big ish gaps. Ds has been allowed to dictate. I don't expect ds to want to come to soft play but we think of lots of fun activities he would enjoy. Dp and ds mum have always allowed him to 'rule the roost' too much. I've been around ds for 7.5 years and know him inside out but my opinion doesn't count for much

I don't really see 5 ye8as that significant tbh. Nor the autism (I'm a mother of a child with ASD also I add) in that the school is ss is obviously able to adjust well enough for what he wants to do and able to infers to Socially with these older children. Yet is being let down by not experiencing anything but ipad and 4 walls imo and that's not good for his development.

@titchy

I think every time your dp whines he doesn't do anything with dd you bat it straight back at him - 'Yes that does seem to be what you've chosen doesn't it?' Make it clear this is a situation of his making and he is the only one who can change it.

This. Might not solve the issue but makes it clear to him that it's his choice to miss out on doing things with DD.

This is so unfair on your DD, and I’m not too sure it’s great for your DSS to not ever be gently persuaded to get out of his comfort zone and to get out and do something different once in a while. Perhaps you could make it more appealing to him by offering to take one of his friends along with you?