How did you know you would be a 'good enough' mother?

[AbsentmindedWoman]

Clinging on to tenacious hope I can have a child one day, if I'm lucky/ if my body heals enough to risk pregnancy.

Sometimes though I spiral and think, what if I move mountains to have a child and end up being a terrible mother? What if I inadvertently fuck up my longed-for child?

Most people appreciate that parenthood is a mammoth responsibility, but there's no way of knowing how hard you will find it until the kid has arrived...

Perhaps the fact I'm thinking like this is an alarm bell not to do it, maybe it's only insane hormones making me want motherhood

I didn't. None of us do. We make mistakes all the time and it's okay! Good luck with having a child. It is challenging at times, especially early years, but it's truly wonderful and I can't think of anything better to do with one's time on earth.

I didn't. Winging it every day!

To me the fact you are worried about this shows you will do everything in your power to be a good mum.

Also, sorry op, I read you are unsure if you will be able to have kids. I really hope you can. You sound like a thoughtful person who would cherish them. If you can't, there are always options, from adoption to godparent/beloved aunt etc.

I think it's made a lot easier if you had a good role model (ie a good mother) yourself. Of course you can learn from their mistake too, but I think it's easier if you got to learn from them.

I hoped. I knew I'd make mistakes, but would try my best to not make them, or to mitigate them. I knew I had imagination, empathy, love, and the ability to care for another person more than I cared for myself.

I knew I cared enough to read, to talk to people who looked to me like good mothers, and to learn from my mistakes, and to apologise for them.

Therapy can be really helpful to examine your own experiences of being parented.

I actually think it’s not hard to be a good enough mother to a baby- well, it’s hard in the sense of being tiring and stressful, but it’s not complicated. All they really need is someone who loves them and responds to them. Doesn’t really matter whether they’re breast or bottle fed or if you take them to baby yoga or if you have a routine or go with the flow, so long as you respond to their need for food, cuddles, interaction, etc.

It all gets a bit more complicated when they’re bigger but the beauty of it is that you learn alongside them. Everyone makes mistakes but I think if you love abd respect them as little people the mistakes are rarely devastating

“Children begin by loving their parents; as they grow older they judge them; sometimes they forgive them.”

― Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray

If everyone is fed and alive at the end of the day then you're doing good enough.

My mum was shit. I've always been worried about being shit like my own mum. I've never mentioned this to my own kids and was so happy when one day my son told me I was much better than granny.

I just knew I was going to be a brilliant mother. Just knew it.

Turns out I am really good sometimes at some bits, and really, really crap at other times at other bits. Its brought out both the best and worse in me. I do find it harder than I thought. I am truly terrible at times. But my kids love me and I love them. They at times tell me I am the best mother in the world. And at times they tell me I am the worst. I am proud of their perceptiveness

Nobody knows what kind of parent they will be or indeed what kind of child they will get. I always wanted to be the super fun, chilled out Mum who would be so incredibly close to my kids. Instead I am an uptight, stressed out Mum, who wings life every single day and doesn't have the bond with my kids that I wanted. My son has ASD/PDA, ADHD, anxiety and tourettes and my daughter probably has ADHD. I'm constantly on edge, always questioning if I'm enough for my kids and feel like I'm falling short of being a good Mum every single day. There's only one way to find out and that's to do it. x

I knew I would be because I have an amazing mum and if I was half as good as her, that would be more than enough.

I agree it's actually easy to be good enough - and that is all you need to be. There's a lot of guilt put about on how this or that small thing will 'damage your child', but it's all BS; kids are resilient - we'd all be basketcases if we were permanently damaged by being left to cry once or twice by a parent that usually comes straight to us, or being shouted at occasionally, or that time mummy was too busy to let us sit on her lap etc.

The way I see it is that we do all do things, that in a small way, will leave our kids with less-than-ideal traits - maybe they'll end up impatient, a bit fussy, a little shy, not as assertive as they could be. But you know what? They'll still do OK in life, make satisfying relationships and so on despite these little flaws we may influence, and we need to live with that fact.

Do you know the origin of the term good enough mother (DW Winnicott)? If you haven’t, it’s worth finding his list of things that aren’t good enough mothering, including eating the baby .

You’ll be fine. I hope you get the chance to see that.

I just made sure I didn’t do some of shit my Mum did

I think I'm only really going to find out when they don't need me and don't live with me - if they actually want to spend time with me then I win the good-enough mother badge.

My mum was excellent at being my mum alongside maintaining her own identity which meant she was always quite calm and level-headed. I've modelled myself on that and it seems to be working ok!

Stupidly I didn’t even think about it. I was very selfish before I had children and dreamt about it all being bedtime stories and plaits.

Steep learning curve and actually I’m pretty good - they’re happy (right now), fed well, educated well, cuddled lots and are told how proud I am over them often. They have interests and friends and they are wonderful. I’ve been a bit shit at teaching them life skills like washing dishes, clothing, tidying etc. but the good thing about parenting is that you have a while to do it…good intentions is what matters.

@silkypillows

I didn't. Winging it every day!

I think this sums up motherhood! You learn as you go along, and you will make mistakes. What works for your first child, may not work for your second.

We’ve all had doubt before dc comes along, that’s a normal emotion.

Joking aside, if you find you are struggling as a parent there is lots of support out there. I have in my own life experienced the most devastating trauma since having kids (not related to them) that shattered my entire life and self. Its been appalling in ways I can't describe. But I have had lots of support from the state and charities to help me and to help me with the kids.

So I am probably the very definition of a good enough mum.

You'll be ok OP. And if you are not, there are people out there who will help you to be.

Thank you for your thoughts on this, it's interesting to read how everyone felt.

I don't think any of us do

It's hard slog, guess work and make it up as you go along

My boys are teens now and they are kind, funny and really great young men so winging it seems to have worked ok

I always though I would be a fantastic mum. Then when I was a mum I thought I was a good mum. Looking back I think that actually I was a bit shit but me and my children are still close and I see my grandkids lots so perhaps I wasn’t as shit as I think I was 😂😂. All you can do is your best.

I think it's made a lot easier if you had a good role model (ie a good mother) yourself. Of course you can learn from their mistake too, but I think it's easier if you got to learn from them
This my mother is still a fantastic Mum (she's 72, I'm 46). I also remember my DGM loving and supporting DM so had at least 2 brilliant role models ( or maybe we are all deluded)

I never considered I wouldn't be.