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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel like there's something wrong with me for only wanting one child?

42 replies

JennySpanner · 15/03/2022 08:55

Before I had DD who is now 3 I was desperate for a family an envisioned at least two, maybe three children. After having DD I was very anxious about the overwhelming responsibility of being a parent and worried a lot. DH is good and hands on but we don't have any family support so it's just us and he works away quite a bit. I desperately missed my family who live 6 hours away. When I was with them I felt fine and relaxed but on my own I struggled.

DD is my whole world and I want to give her the best childhood possible. DH wants us to have another baby but I'm terrified of the mental health repercussions, the bad sleep, the crying. DD was a dreadful sleeper and isn't brilliant now.

When I see friends of mine having more than one and being so positive and happy I feel sad that I don't want that or that I'm scared of it - shouldn't I be desperately wanting another child? It makes me feel like I'm not maternal or something. If DH was happy with one so would I be.

I do wish our family was bigger but without living close to other family I think I'd struggle too much, maybe I should push on and try but I'm so scared to go back to that place again. I feel like I'm letting DH down.

OP posts:
JungleJimbo · 15/03/2022 08:58

If you don't want another one, don't have one

Your DH who is often away does not get to decide for you both

MurmuratingStarling · 15/03/2022 09:00

There is nothing wrong with you. DO NOT have another child just because your husband wants one.

There are LOADS of advantages to having one child. Too many to list, and no they WON'T be spoilt or lonely. They are myth perpetuated by people with 2 or more children.

Stick to your guns. Don't have another one. Not if you don't want to.

dottydodah · 15/03/2022 09:04

He is working away a lot and you have no family nearby .Yet HE feels he would like another one! One is fine ,you are principal Carer so he doesnt decide. Unless there is a chance of him working away less or moving closer to your family ,Just tell him No way !

JohannSebastianBach · 15/03/2022 09:06

Nothing wrong with you.

GrandRapids · 15/03/2022 09:11

I have one, I knew it was all I could manage. My husband was on the same page but if he hadn't been, I would have told him it wasn't his choice ultimately.

I think 3 yrs old is prime time for feeling guilty, what if they're lonely? They need a playmate etc.

Mine is almost 7 and those feelings have pretty much passed. We have a very busy life with one child. I have no idea how I would have coped with more. Badly, I suspect.

Overthebow · 15/03/2022 09:17

We are debating the same, we have one DC and no family close by. I’d love another but realistically I think we’d cope better with one. We would have more time for our existing DC and more money for opportunities for her. Id like her to have a sibling though so am undecided. I think either decision is fine and your DC won’t be lonely if you make the effort to keep friendships and activities going. Do what is right for you.

Xmassprout · 15/03/2022 09:17

Sounds like you're being rather sensible.

It's not always positive and happy having more than one. I feel physically ill from not having a full night sleep in 5 years. On the outside we all look happy, but really I'm just a sleep deprived mess with a shithole of a house and constant guilt over my eldest having to be disturbed all the time by the youngest

Hankunamatata · 15/03/2022 09:19

I think your being very sensible. Think of all the fab things you and dd can do together, no worries about trying to get different children to different activities

ISpyCobraKai · 15/03/2022 09:19

I have one adult daughter, she was all I ever wanted

unravioling · 15/03/2022 09:20

I'm not in quite the same position as you. We did actually try for #2 for a while, but after a hideous mmc at the height of the pandemic, that I had to deal with alone, we decided to stop trying.

Dd is now nearly 6 and we're really happy. She is sociable and has lots of friends. We are able to focus on her needs without feeling like we have to split attention and resources.

I'm almost at peace with having one now.

AHungryCaterpillar · 15/03/2022 09:22

I often wish I had stuck with one!

BobLep0nge · 15/03/2022 09:22

shouldn't I be desperately wanting another child? It makes me feel like I'm not maternal or something

Do you believe this about other women that only want one child? Probably not, so why be think it of yourself?

I come from a big family but I love having an only child, there are so many advantages.

LittleNinaNanar · 15/03/2022 09:23

I have one and I do feel guilty that there is no sibling but I know it would break our family, just couldn't have another. But I get to put everything into this experience and the one to one is lovely. There will always be pros and cons to one child vs more. Trust your instincts and your assessment of the situation. Support is important to someone like me and there isn't much family nearby.

Kitkat151 · 15/03/2022 09:34

If that’s your choice then don’t have any more....support is a biggie....I had 2 and was fine but when the 3rd arrived we moved close to family ...I provide loads of support for my GC...my DD says she would have stopped at 1 if she didn’t have all the family support she gets

GrandRapids · 15/03/2022 09:37

Yes completely agree re support network. We don't have one and it's really hard. Also Let's face it, kids/life is bloody expensive too. We both work full time and are run ragged just with one child. Two would have completely overwhelmed us

TheNoodlesIncident · 15/03/2022 09:56

You don't have to have another, it's up to you. There's nothing wrong with that or you. If you feel you would like another but would need support, then you and your DH put in place the support to facilitate that or accept that one is enough and put measures in place to ensure that it doesn't happen.

One is great, so easy to organise and none of the bickering you might get with siblings. The one you do have is no guide to the easiness of the next one you might have, a good sleeper/docile child might be followed by a non-sleeping nightmare who creates havoc. It's a big unknown factor.

Stopping at one might be the right decision for you, only you will know. But if you do decide to try for another, make sure you have all the support you need in place first. Plan for the best outcome!

(I was one of four and there was bugger all money to go round. We didn't have any activities beyond free things like football in the park or going to the library, uniform wasn't replaced when outgrown and we didn't go on school residentials, anything like that... No way is our child going to have a childhood like mine. Having the resources available was also a big part of my decision to stop at one.)

lanthanum · 15/03/2022 09:59

We stopped at one, and it's worked well for us. There are all sorts of things you can do with just one child that would be difficult with more. She's quite happy being an only (although I think lockdown might have been easier with a sibling).

A breakthrough for me was realising that my biggest reason for wanting more was my mother's disapproval of people with only one child. She never voiced this after we had our daughter, but that doesn't mean I don't remember things she said when I was a teenager. Once I realised that my main reason was what somebody else thought, I dismissed it.

Loopytiles · 15/03/2022 10:02

You say your H is ‘hands on’ but also that he ‘works away a lot’.

Very few mothers work away a lot!

If you are and would be the one doing much of the parenting and extra domestic work, understandable DC2 not an appealing proposition!

Although of course any reason not to want another DC is fine!

MrPoppysParka · 15/03/2022 10:04

I have one, and love having one. If ever there was a child born to be an only child, it is my DD.

She loves it too. She told us the other day that if we ever had another baby, she wouldn’t talk to us again Grin

beattieedny · 15/03/2022 10:07

Nothing wrong with only having one child. It's fairly common now. For me, I found being an only very lonely and felt a lot of pressure to be all things to my parents. There was no sibling to shoulder the responsibility as they aged too. But that isn't exclusive to onlies! Bear in mind the early years are v tough but they do pass. Let yourself be open to changing your mind, but don't feel like you must have more, particularly when you are the one doing the work.

2022HereWeCome · 15/03/2022 10:09

OP this is the reason I don't have more than one. Nearest family 4+ hours away, DH at home lots of time but then required to work away for minimum 5 days at a time, no routine to it so could be at home for 4-5 months solid and then having to be away 3-4 times in 6 weeks / 8 weeks. It was bloody hard when DS was a baby, especially the times he was ill and DH was away.

Hillarious · 15/03/2022 10:14

It's a personal decision and you should do what is right for you and your family.

It does make me smile though when people say that having just the one means they can focus all their resources and time on the one child. A second child doesn't split all that down the middle, there's lots you can do together, and a lot that comes out of a sibling relationship.

My support network came from friends, having relocated to a city where we knew no-one shortly after DC2 was born.

BestZebbie · 15/03/2022 10:23

Do you think there might be something wrong with you for only wanting eg: one dining table or one sofa? A child would take up considerably more money, space and time!

Blueskies3 · 15/03/2022 10:25

You sound smart. You also sound like a really loving Mum. I'm an only child and I loved my childhood, and am very close with my parents.
I think there are many benefits to having one.

Minionbums · 15/03/2022 11:08

What you’re saying is all reasonable, I know a few people who have stopped at one child.

But - do be honest with yourself about your reasons. There’s a difference between not wanting a second and being scared of it. I wanted a second but was scared - of going through it all again, of a baby affecting my first child, of not being able to cope. My husband did convince me, and I’m so glad he did. I’m not saying this to insinuate that you’re wrong in what you’re saying, I’m just asking if fear is holding you back more than perhaps not ‘wanting’ another.