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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel like there's something wrong with me for only wanting one child?

42 replies

JennySpanner · 15/03/2022 08:55

Before I had DD who is now 3 I was desperate for a family an envisioned at least two, maybe three children. After having DD I was very anxious about the overwhelming responsibility of being a parent and worried a lot. DH is good and hands on but we don't have any family support so it's just us and he works away quite a bit. I desperately missed my family who live 6 hours away. When I was with them I felt fine and relaxed but on my own I struggled.

DD is my whole world and I want to give her the best childhood possible. DH wants us to have another baby but I'm terrified of the mental health repercussions, the bad sleep, the crying. DD was a dreadful sleeper and isn't brilliant now.

When I see friends of mine having more than one and being so positive and happy I feel sad that I don't want that or that I'm scared of it - shouldn't I be desperately wanting another child? It makes me feel like I'm not maternal or something. If DH was happy with one so would I be.

I do wish our family was bigger but without living close to other family I think I'd struggle too much, maybe I should push on and try but I'm so scared to go back to that place again. I feel like I'm letting DH down.

OP posts:

MrsSkylerWhite · 15/03/2022 11:13

LittleNinaNanar

I have one and I do feel guilty that there is no sibling but I know it would break our family, just couldn't have another. But I get to put everything into this experience and the one to one is lovely. There will always be pros and cons to one child vs more. Trust your instincts and your assessment of the situation. Support is important to someone like me and there isn't much family nearby“

Don’t feel guilty. I had an older sibling who treated me very badly. Haven’t had anything to do with him for 40 years now, through choice.
I would have much rather have been an only child and I suspect I’m not the only one.

Our grandchild is an only child and likely to remain so (through choice) They’re such a fantastic unit, all so happy and they just don’t need anyone else.

RealRaymondReddington · 15/03/2022 11:14

I only ever wanted one and now I have dd I am even more convinced. I love her to bits, but she definitely isn't spoilt. It's right for us and we feel we'll be able to support her in the future more than if we had another.

Chasingaftermidnight · 15/03/2022 11:25

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with only wanting one child, it’s a perfectly legitimate life choice (as is having no children or having four children).

However, I’m not sure from your post whether you don’t want another child full stop (which is perfectly fine and normal) or whether you might like another one but you’re terrified because you really struggled with your mental health and support first time round and you never want to return to that place. I was in the latter category - I wanted another one but I had a horrible birth with my first and terrible PND and PNA so I was terrified of having another. I got mental health treatment and support and had a second and it was a totally different experience.

All I’m trying to say is - if you don’t want another child that’s 100% normal, but if you do want one and your mental health is holding you back, then there is help available.

VestaTilley · 15/03/2022 11:42

Absolutely do not have another baby unless you 100% want to.

If your DH works away a lot it’s not him who’ll be dealing with a newborn and the night wakings. If you’ve no family support and can’t get regular help or breaks then don’t do it. My DS is an only child and will likely stay that way, at least until he’s in primary school. No way would I have two close in age when one had been a bad sleeper, and I think it’s far better to wait until you have a clear view on your appetite to manage and cope with more, once your first born is a bit older.

It’s not men who have to be pregnant, give birth, breastfeed and do the majority of care in the initial months while dealing with a broken body and no sleep.

Most families have one child nowadays - if that’s your choice your DH has to respect it or choose to leave. Do not be pressured in to another baby - the first two years are just too hard without really wanting to do it.

Naunet · 15/03/2022 11:50

How much childcare does he do at the moment? How hands on is he compared to you? It’s very easy to want another when you get to just do the nice bits.

4Geraniums · 15/03/2022 12:26

It’s normal to be anxious about having another baby and feel you’re never going to cope. But somehow you do and the benefits of more than one are huge… just in my opinion. My DC have had so much fun playing together as they grow up. I also lack family support and DH works long hours. DC2 just had to fit in with DC1. Very stressful at times but I wouldn’t change it for the world.

BeanyBops · 15/03/2022 14:48

I think you need to do some real soul searching - sit with the idea of not having another and see how you feel after a while.

I always thought I would have two or three but quickly after having DD 2 years ago I realised that I didn't want to have any more! The guilt and sadness was huge for a while but over time I have only become more and more comfortable with my decision.

I think it's wrong to have a child that you don't want, it's not fair on either of you. Only children can be and are just as happy, sociable and loved as children with siblings. Its not having siblings that determines whether they have a good life or not.

Personally I think my daughter loves getting 100% of our time and attention and I can't see that changing!

Original poster

JennySpanner · 15/03/2022 15:25

Thank you all so much for the responses - hearing people who feel the same makes me feel so much better. Everyone around me seems to assume that more than one is just a given!

My DH will take DD out to a class once or twice a week, and he joins in when he's at home. He will do nursery drop off and picks up half the time but the bulk of childcare - food prep, all might wake ups, mornings, most of all the domestic stuff, the mental load - it's all me.

OP posts:

RobertaFirmino · 15/03/2022 15:26

I feel like I'm letting DH down

You are a human being in your own right. You are a person with thoughts, feelings and needs. You are a person who needs to take the very best care of herself in order to be a good parent to her existing child.

You are not an incubator.

Just because other (not all) people want more than one, it doesn't mean there is something wrong with you. I didn't want any DC at all and did not have any. You wouldn't say there was something wrong with me, would you?

ivfbabymomma1 · 15/03/2022 15:39

OP I'm in the exact same boat. I don't know if I want a second child. The decision haunts me every single day. I have no advice for you
But your not alone! My son is 2 in July! He was an ivf baby! I have embryos to use so no excuses there! I just don't know what I want! It's hard isn't it! If it helps I'm an only child! And I had no issues making friends! I have a big circle who are like family! My parents took me abroad with their friends and their kids so it was all good! And they gave me a lot of opportunities they couldn't have given 2 + children.

Loopytiles · 15/03/2022 15:43

‘He joins in when he’s at home’.

If anything, he’s let YOU down. You both became parents but he is now a ‘facilitated man’ - he gets to be a parent and do his paid work - as though he had no DC. benefiting his personal earnings and career.

Facilitated by you, probably at direct expense to your own paid work and (it sounds like) your health and wellbeing.

Some women would be OK with the set up of the man working away etc, doing most of the parenting/domestic work and fitting in paid work around those constraints. Many others would not (I’m one of those!)

Daisy03 · 15/03/2022 15:45

I love having just one. I know I couldn't have coped mentally with another pregnancy but besides that I wouldn't do things any differently.
I do make sure I give her lots of social opportunities such as play dates and clubs.
Because I only have one I'm able to afford a lot more than if I'd had more.
She's 10 now and completely balanced and happy

emptybasjey · 15/03/2022 16:01

I have one son and knew when I was pregnant I'd stick to one child. In 19 years I've never regretted it for a millisecond

mydogisthebest · 15/03/2022 16:19

Far from being unreasonable, you are being extremely sensible.

The planet is already overpopulated and yet so many woman have 3 or more children and often they can't really afford them or have the room for them

TiddleyWink · 15/03/2022 16:24

@Loopytiles

‘He joins in when he’s at home’.

Facilitated by you, probably at direct expense to your own paid work and (it sounds like) your health and wellbeing.

This is a very good post. I would read it at least twice OP!

PrescriptionOnlyMedicine · 15/03/2022 16:32

I have one (almost an adult now). Zero regrets.

Rawmum30 · 15/03/2022 16:56

I could only have one child, due to fertility problems.
DC is an adult now.. During his preteen and teen years, I was told many a time, by various mums, that they wished they had stopped at one child.
I’m not attempting to be goady, but looking back at my experience, and the experience felt by my one DC, it was a good thing that I wasn’t able to conceive further.
My DC said at various times they were glad not to have a brother or sister, as it was felt that their private time could be chosen, and if a friend to play with was invited, then that company was chosen by my child, and not forced upon them like a sibling might do.
My DC didn’t say these things out of any concern for my feelings, as that wasn’t known to them.
You actually will be doing your “D” H a favour by not extending your family.
If you had a subsequent child or children, what would happen if you had the same experience as with your first… or worse even.
What if you conceived twins next… then if you broke down because of feeling overwhelmed, he would have to more than step up, and then HE may not cope, and too late, he’d realise what you meant.
So really your thought process is sensible.
Both of you deserve to have your say, but as your the one to bear the pregnancy, as well as taking care of your little one.
Your the one that takes the brunt of care and responsibility now, so what makes you think he’d give more input with more children?
If a child is knowingly going to be conceived, it should be with both parents being fully on board with the knowledge that you will fully support each other. Please don’t take “a leap of faith” and pray that it’ll all be ok…. It’s a human life that needs and deserves both parents, assuming neither parent is abusive.
If a parent is a single parent, as I ended up being, then of course you do your best to give your child/children the life they deserve.
However, if you’re feeling as you do within a two parent family, then “no”, well certainly for the moment, is where you should consider staying.
I would also advise you not to say that you may feel the same as him later down the line, as that may give your DH false hope.
Please take care of yourself, as unless you are well and happy, then how can you cope with how things are now, let alone having more little ones.
PS your opinion does matter!

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