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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think she should be given the date

36 replies

Tevion28 · 14/03/2022 21:54

Colleague at work who nobody likes but who I sort of get along with but she can also do my head in at times she has caused trouble over non issues amongst the staff as well.
We recently had a colleague who passed away suddenly who this woman was always talking about and the lady who died didn't like her either. Anyway so she wants to go to our colleagues funeral has her outfit ready etc but none of the other staff want her to go and they are keeping the date a secret and leaving her out of car arrangements etc but I don't feel comfortable keeping it from her what do you think.

OP posts:

Imissmoominmama · 14/03/2022 21:55

That’s pretty horrible.

Original poster

Tevion28 · 14/03/2022 21:57

I get along with everybody and am always neutral

OP posts:

GooglyEyeballs · 14/03/2022 21:58

If the person who died didn't like her she probably didn't want her at the funeral. It's a bit harsh but I think it's important to respect the wishes of the person who's funeral it is.

Pixiedust1234 · 14/03/2022 22:22

Colleague talked meanly about dead colleague when she was alive.
Dead colleague didn't like your colleague.

Given those two statements why the fuck does she think she should go to the funeral? Is she after the free food and drinks?

Original poster

Tevion28 · 14/03/2022 22:27

She talks about everybody tbh she has form for it.

OP posts:

Picklequeen88 · 14/03/2022 22:37

She will eventually find out, best thing to do when she does find out is to tell her, or whoever she's talks to first, explain that because you know she didn't get along with her you and the way you talked about her you wouldnt think it would have been appropriate for her to go to the funeral. It's horrible when women are bitches at work! I know if someone talked shit about me I wouldnt want them there either!

spotcheck · 14/03/2022 22:44

I think 'your colleagues' are kinda immature assholes.

It's a funeral. Hiding the date and excluding her is mean and petty

Solongtoshort · 14/03/2022 23:25

Does this woman know no one likes her? What an awful situation, if she doesn’t maybe speak to the manager to try and sort things out, However l bet the other women bitch about her what a horrid blue environent to work in.

If l were the dead person l don’t think l would want her come. If she didn’t like the person who died l don’t understand why she wants to go, unless she is feeling guilty and wants to pay her last respects. I also don’t understand her getting her outfit it’s not a night out.

LadyBadenPowellsHat · 14/03/2022 23:36

I'd be mega pissed off if someone who was a real c*nt about me was wanting to go to my funeral.

I mean, not that I'd necessary be aware, I've never been able to decide what happens when we die.

But I've no time for people like that, and they can sod off.

TidyDancer · 14/03/2022 23:41

No one in this situation has covered themselves in glory. It's been handled really badly. I think the only thing you can do is speak to this person's line manager and see if something can be sorted out. Very difficult situation. She shouldn't go to the funeral but freezing her out isn't helping either.

somethingwittynotshitty · 14/03/2022 23:43

In this situation, the neutral response is to not say anything

TheDoveFromAboveCooCoo · 14/03/2022 23:46

Regardless of who liked or disliked who it's never going to end well not giving her the date. Especially when she's the only one in the office on a Thursday morning and the rest of you turn up to work after lunch in funeral attire.

With any luck there is some kind of afterlife and deceased colleague with haunt her for a bit in revenge (I totally would if a particular colleague gatecrashed my funeral 😂)

BarrowInFurnessRailwayStation · 14/03/2022 23:56

Why does she need to attend the funeral if she didn't like the deceased person?

She can stay behind and answer the phones or something.

Riseholme · 15/03/2022 07:54

Surely the manager should tell everyone the date officially.
It’s a work colleague and the woman has the right to know the date and the other colleagues are no more entitled than she is to attend the funeral.

Sounds like a horrid workplace generally.

Hankunamatata · 15/03/2022 08:47

Wow. You need to go speak to a manager. They can send out an email. Its bordering on workplace bullying

HikingforScenery · 15/03/2022 08:52

The person is dead. Why would they care? If she asks you directly, give her the date. I really hate things like this and don’t get involved in drama.
Be prepared for the other colleagues to hold a grudge against you though as they sound immature.

Did the late colleague have a Facebook account,m? Families tend to share arrangements on Facebook so she could get the dates from there. Then it’s out of colleagues’ hands.

LottyD32 · 15/03/2022 09:01

Fomo.

As a pp said, speak to a manager and have her man the office.

If she didn't like the woman, and the woman didn't like her, she doesn't need to go.

BobbitWorm · 15/03/2022 09:08

Funerals IMO, have always been for the living rather than for the dead.

The deceased is not hosting and sending invites. What difference does it make to anyone other than your colleagues, who she doesn't get on with anyway, if she goes or not? It sounds like just another thing to add to the workplace drama.

Won't she realise when you are all not at work that day anyway? Is that likely to cause more drama?

sweetbellyhigh · 15/03/2022 09:11

It would be a huge mistake to conceal the date from any of the employees, it's the sort of thing that can only cause division.

The colleagues excluding her are basically being bullies.

Funerals are for the living and it is not for you or anyone else to judge who should attend a colleague's funeral.

What a toxic set up. All of you need to grow up and behave professionally.

MayMorris · 15/03/2022 09:16

For those saying funerals are for the living. How do we know the deceased didn’t talk about this colleague to her family and how much she disliked her. There is all the piece about “paying respects” at funerals…being there for the close family and friends to acknowledge the dead person and express support for the family.
Don’t see that qualifies this women in any way to be attending.

Gingembre · 15/03/2022 09:36

If deceased colleague talked about her at home then her family may not want her there? Depends how unliked she was by deceased colleague and what sort of things she'd been saying about mean colleague.

Anyway, it's the manager's job to pass info on presumably, so I'd stay neutrally out.

If she ever does find out and play victim card then I'd be up front that deceased colleague didn't like her because of how mean colleague spoke about her and other colleagues were trying to follow what they believed her wishes were.

Chloemol · 15/03/2022 09:39

Wow your colleagues are being nasty, and childish bully’s

And I am amazed at the nasty posts on here as well

If they have not been prepared to call this persons behaviour out before then now is not the time. Perhaps she regrets what she has said? And actually we don’t know what it was

And let’s be honest most people talk about others they work with

If it’s been agreed that all of you can attend then I would quietly let her know the date and she can make her own way there. If someone has to stay then perhaps your boss could make a point of asking her

But it’s also time to sort out her behaviour

Neome · 15/03/2022 09:42

Is the funeral being arranged by the deceased person’s family?

If so their wishes and emotional comfort are the priority I would have thought.

A funeral is about paying respect it sounds as if OPs colleagues might not trust the uninvited colleague to behave with respect at the occasion.

ImAvingOops · 15/03/2022 09:43

If my loved one died, I wouldn't want someone at the funeral who had bitched about them when they were alive.
No sympathy here for bitchy colleague. Being frozen out might make her think about her own behaviour and what she's done to get to this point.

Original poster

Tevion28 · 15/03/2022 10:35

She has found out about the date from a outside source now which is a relief to me tbh.

OP posts:

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