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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DD saying 'I don't like daddy'

47 replies

angusthongs · 14/03/2022 19:32

A few times DD4 has been there when her dad (ex) has been unpleasant toward me, I didn't think she would understand as I always put on a happy face and never speak badly about him.

However recently she's been saying things like I don't want to see daddy, I don't want to stay with daddy, daddy is mean to mummy so I don't like him etc. when he tries to FaceTime her she ignores him, he said I'm back this weekend and she said no don't come back.

He's now saying to me he is really depressed and she is acting like I do towards him. Trying to basically blame me for her new found dislike.

What am I meant to do?! He's going to think I'm turning her against him, when I try to encourage her to be excited to see him.

OP posts:

TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 14/03/2022 19:36

She doesn’t have to like him. He sounds like a prick and she’s picked up on it.

I didn’t like my mum when I was growing up. She was deeply unpleasant to me and I don’t think she liked me either.

A four year old is allowed to not like someone. She probably feels really uncomfortable around him.

HELLITHURT · 14/03/2022 19:39

Children do say this, sometimes for no reason other than the colour t shirt a parent is wearing!

But, you're. It comfortable that she's happy? But I presume court ordered access, what can you do? Other than try to calm her and make her feel comfortable.

Shit though.

Chamomileteaplease · 14/03/2022 19:54

Well I don't think you should be encouraging her to be excited to be seeing him.

Keep it neutral and let her express her natural feelings. Do not dismiss her fears and likes or dislikes.

With regard to her not wanting to see him I guess that depends on what arrangement you have set up.

PinkSyCo · 14/03/2022 20:22

What am I meant to do?! He's going to think I'm turning her against him, when I try to encourage her to be excited to see him.

It’s up to your DDs dad to do something not you because he is the one to blame! At 4 years old your DD will of course have started to absorb everything that’s going on around her, and her dad needs to be made aware that him treating her mum badly is what’s making her dislike him. He’s not a child and does not need protecting from this simple fact!

Drenda · 14/03/2022 20:27

What am I meant to do?! He's going to think I'm turning her against him, when I try to encourage her to be excited to see him.
This is his problem to solve not yours. Kids pick up on these things and she clearly has, he can try and be a nicer person to the mother of his child.

Squeezita · 14/03/2022 20:29

Are you assuming that she doesn’t like him because she’s seen his behaviour to you?

Maybe she doesn’t like him because of his behaviour to her?

I would keeping a close eye on this.

Original poster

angusthongs · 14/03/2022 20:32

@Squeezita I honestly don't think it's his behaviour toward her. But I do know that he is quite unpleasant to his own mother when she is there too.

He just isn't a nice person but will not do anything to change that because he doesn't see a problem with how he treats people.

OP posts:

BigStepMommasHouse · 14/03/2022 20:32

Step mum here, we recently went through this with my DSD of the same age as your DD.

Honestly, it did cross our mind that mum might be saying things just like it no doubt crossed mums mind that we might be horrible. It’s natural.

We spoke with a CAFCASS/CAMHS counsellor (happy to pm her number). The main thing that helped was her advice to stop FaceTiming altogether. She said it’s an intrusion into the child’s time with the other parent ie child is having a nice time and is now being told to stop in order to talk with the other parent. It also blurs boundaries.

She also said that it sounded as though DSD was pushing boundaries and that we shouldn’t cave to her asking to go home. We felt bad about this but it’s worked.

If dad has any other kids, etc then it’s important he does get some 1:1 time with her over the weekend. Even just half an hour.

We also make sure that handovers are quick. Mum used to hang around to console DSD (understandably) but it just made things worse and delayed the inevitable. It’s a quick ‘see you soon’ now.

The advice might not be for everyone but it’s helped us massively. DSD is excited to see us now and we’re no longer feeling the need to tread on eggshells around her in case we upset her.

It could be keep in mind that children do go through phases of favouring one parent too. Mine have refused to let DH get them ready for bed, etc in the past. Just want mummy.

Original poster

angusthongs · 14/03/2022 20:34

@TheLightSideOfTheMoon she is even saying things like 'i don't like him even in my memory.' It's quite upsetting as they did have a really strong bond at one point and she loved going to stay with him.

OP posts:

whynotwhy · 14/03/2022 20:38

Stop bring concerned about what your Ex thinks of you. Just do the right thing for your daughter.

Original poster

angusthongs · 14/03/2022 20:38

@BigStepMommasHouse you do have a point here, at handovers he always wants to 'talk' or he turns up late with no apology and wonders why I'm short with him. I've noticed a lot of bribery also with sweets and presents to get her to go with him. He also used to use taking her back to my house as a threat to get her to behave. Obviously that doesn't work now as she prefers being here.

I've said to him on numerous occasions to get the spare room cleared and painted for her so she has her own bedroom, but it's not been done so she has to share a bed with him - I don't like this idea as he is an extremely unhygienic person who smokes in the bedroom when she isn't sleeping over. I also found ants on his windowsill once when I was there and preparing the room for DD to sleep in.

OP posts:

Original poster

angusthongs · 14/03/2022 20:40

@whynotwhy easier said than done when I get a flurry of text messages about how depressed he is and that there's no point him travelling back from work as no one wants to see him etc

OP posts:

McScreamysGhostPants · 14/03/2022 20:47

His depression isn't your problem. His being miserable IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM. Your responsibility is to your child.

He smokes in his bedroom and you are ok with her sharing a bed in that room? I'm sorry but I'm my shoes it would be a big fat NO from me. At 4 she deserves, needs, her own bed. Not to share with a bed with a man that is unclean, doesn't resurrect his kids mother or his own mother and SMOKES in the room she is in?!

TravellingFrom · 14/03/2022 20:49

[quote angusthongs]@whynotwhy easier said than done when I get a flurry of text messages about how depressed he is and that there's no point him travelling back from work as no one wants to see him etc [/quote]
That’s something else altogether.
He is guilt tripping you and the best answer to that is to ignore.

You are not his emotional punching bag, nor are you there to ease his emotional issues.

If he is depressed, that’s up to him to sort something out. Not your problem.

BigStepMommasHouse · 14/03/2022 20:50

@angusthongs
It’s really hard when dad isn’t on board…sorry you haven’t got that support.

We always kept in mind how young DSD was, too young to make a decision to end her relationship with us. If she doesn’t when shes older, fine, but not now.

I understand you wanting to see where she’ll be staying but we’ve always had it so that DH and mum don’t really go in each other’s houses. It keeps those boundaries for DSD.

He sounds like he’s a bit out of his depth and doesn’t get discipline, etc. Honestly, DH says he’s struggle without me…not an excuse though. A counsellor might really help him, she gave a lot of advice on boundaries, ways of ‘discipline’, etc

TravellingFrom · 14/03/2022 20:51

A good answer to that sort of comment/text a counsellor told me once was

‘So what are you going to do about it?’

Put the ball back in his court.

oakleaffy · 14/03/2022 20:51

[quote angusthongs]@Squeezita I honestly don't think it's his behaviour toward her. But I do know that he is quite unpleasant to his own mother when she is there too.

He just isn't a nice person but will not do anything to change that because he doesn't see a problem with how he treats people. [/quote]
Your Daughter is probably picking up on his nastiness to his mother.
Maybe he is snappy and short with his mum, maybe even your daughter?

Worth keeping an eye on, and maybe asking why your DD feels like this?

Totalwasteofpaper · 14/03/2022 20:53

@TheLightSideOfTheMoon

She doesn’t have to like him. He sounds like a prick and she’s picked up on it.

I didn’t like my mum when I was growing up. She was deeply unpleasant to me and I don’t think she liked me either.

A four year old is allowed to not like someone. She probably feels really uncomfortable around him.

Yep.

And do not gaslight her and tell her daddy is nice and loves her. He is clearly an unpleasant arsehole and she's picked up on this

oakleaffy · 14/03/2022 20:57

[quote angusthongs]@BigStepMommasHouse you do have a point here, at handovers he always wants to 'talk' or he turns up late with no apology and wonders why I'm short with him. I've noticed a lot of bribery also with sweets and presents to get her to go with him. He also used to use taking her back to my house as a threat to get her to behave. Obviously that doesn't work now as she prefers being here.

Just not good on so many levels.
He needs to get his @rse in gear and make a nice room for your Daughter to stay in.

Smoking around kids is also really not on.

He may well b e depressed, but he is a man, he can take himself to the GP to try and get help for that.

Morechocmorechoc · 14/03/2022 20:57

Omg you let your 4 year old stay in a bedroom which has been smoked in. You cant air the smell of smoke from a room. It's in carpets, furniture etc. I wouldn't let her go until he stops smoking in the house and has her a room. Forget the rest that's dangerous enough.

cherryonthecakes · 14/03/2022 21:06

I split from my ex 10 years ago and tbh there have been times when they've been reluctant to go.

If she wants to vent about her dad let her. Don't day and sway her opinion. She's 4 so might change her mind in 10 mins but a venting session might be just what she needs. If you say good things when she's trying to explain her negative feelings then you risk her thinking that you're not listening and respecting how she feels. It sounds like it's perfectly possible that he's playing the "woe is me" card with his dd rather than pretending that everything is fab. Think about things realistically, how many kids want to sleep in a room with ants?

Can he pick her up from school ? That might make the transition easier - I don't know you but it sounds better at your house than his. Also little kids aren't good at FaceTime ime. Is it court ordered ?

cherryonthecakes · 14/03/2022 21:10

What am I meant to do?! He's going to think I'm turning her against him, when I try to encourage her to be excited to see him.

You know that a lot of the problem is that he's lazy and not even sorted a room for her. You can't force him to put more effort in. Deadbeats often use the excuse that their ex is alienating the child rather than examining their own behaviour. He's the only one who can turn things round here

LittleGwyneth · 14/03/2022 21:18

@bigstepmommashouse this is such thoughtful, helpful advice.

milkyaqua · 14/03/2022 21:20

She is saying this and she has to share a bed with him? Jesus Christ. Listen to her.

whynotwhatknot · 14/03/2022 21:22

Is there a court order if not dont bother till he starts getting help and tidy up or takes you to court which he prob wont bother

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