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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DD saying 'I don't like daddy'

47 replies

angusthongs · 14/03/2022 19:32

A few times DD4 has been there when her dad (ex) has been unpleasant toward me, I didn't think she would understand as I always put on a happy face and never speak badly about him.

However recently she's been saying things like I don't want to see daddy, I don't want to stay with daddy, daddy is mean to mummy so I don't like him etc. when he tries to FaceTime her she ignores him, he said I'm back this weekend and she said no don't come back.

He's now saying to me he is really depressed and she is acting like I do towards him. Trying to basically blame me for her new found dislike.

What am I meant to do?! He's going to think I'm turning her against him, when I try to encourage her to be excited to see him.

OP posts:

Abaababa · 14/03/2022 21:24

Dear OP, are you sure your DD is not saying this about her father because he is abusing her in some way. The fact she shares a bed with him rings alarm bells for me. She may be trying to communicate something really important and urgent but doesn’t know how to. For her sake please see if she will share more with you or a counsellor.

Quartz2208 · 14/03/2022 21:26

He isnt your responsibility. She is.

Poppinjay · 14/03/2022 21:26

What am I meant to do?! He's going to think I'm turning her against him, when I try to encourage her to be excited to see him.

Why do you need to do anything, other than not say anything to make her think worse of him?

I also found ants on his windowsill once when I was there and preparing the room for DD to sleep in.

Why were you preparing a room in his home for her to sleep in?

at handovers he always wants to 'talk' or he turns up late with no apology and wonders why I'm short with him

Why does he get to decide you have to talk at handovers and why are you allowing your emotions to affect how you speak to him?

It feels like you're still emotionally involved with him.

You need to disconnect emotionally and stop taking responsibility for him. If she needs a bed prepared in his home, he should do it.

If you keep these emotional ties, you will just end up being hurt regularly for years on end.

N4ish · 14/03/2022 21:29

When is he planning to stop bed sharing with her? Please don’t shut her down when she’s trying to tell you she’s unhappy being around him, she needs to be listened to.

It’s not your job to facilitate FaceTime calls or persuade her to be excited to see him.

BloomingTrees · 14/03/2022 21:33

He sounds like a total narcissist.
You should keep your interactions with him to an absolute minimum.
Work on not caring what he thinks or his emotional state - not your problem.
And no way should he be sharing a bed with her.

Listen to your daughter and respect what she is saying.

Merryoldgoat · 14/03/2022 21:33

I’d be stopping contact until she has her own bed.

Imanidiotiknow · 14/03/2022 21:52

Yep, as everyone else is saying, fuck him and put your dd's wellbeing first.

skodadoda · 14/03/2022 21:57

@Squeezita

Are you assuming that she doesn’t like him because she’s seen his behaviour to you?

Maybe she doesn’t like him because of his behaviour to her?

I would keeping a close eye on this.

OP isn’t assuming, the child has said daddy is mean to mummy.

Shockedmama · 15/03/2022 07:17

My mum does this, it’s a narcissistic thing. Your not responsible for his Behaviour. It’s a natural thing why would she like him seeing him like that?
FYI - he’ll likely never take responsibility himself

Shockedmama · 15/03/2022 07:19

@Poppinjay

What am I meant to do?! He's going to think I'm turning her against him, when I try to encourage her to be excited to see him.

Why do you need to do anything, other than not say anything to make her think worse of him?

I also found ants on his windowsill once when I was there and preparing the room for DD to sleep in.

Why were you preparing a room in his home for her to sleep in?

at handovers he always wants to 'talk' or he turns up late with no apology and wonders why I'm short with him

Why does he get to decide you have to talk at handovers and why are you allowing your emotions to affect how you speak to him?

It feels like you're still emotionally involved with him.

You need to disconnect emotionally and stop taking responsibility for him. If she needs a bed prepared in his home, he should do it.

If you keep these emotional ties, you will just end up being hurt regularly for years on end.

I think it sounds more like op is the victim of abuse and so she feels responsible for him and scared of his reactions.

Heronwatcher · 15/03/2022 07:53

So he’s mean to her gran, he’s late, he smokes with or very near her, she doesn’t have a bed of her own, she’s seen him be mean to you and he might be depressed. And you seriously wonder why she’s not really enjoying it! I’d be stopping overnights until she’s got somewhere appropriate to sleep and maybe consider a shorter daytime visit instead. Also telling him bluntly that actions have consequences and if he’s late or mean to her gran then your DD’s not stupid, she’ll pick up on it. I wouldn’t engage at all with the depression bollocks- other than to say maybe he should not take DD if he’s genuinely feeling terrible- I also liked the “so what are you going to do about it” response.

HollowTalk · 15/03/2022 08:05

There is no way I'd let her stay overnight. He really is a horrible man and she is telling you that she thinks that.

Charley50 · 15/03/2022 08:30

He shouldn't be sharing a bed with her. He is abusive and neglectful and she can see that. I always hated my dad, from as soon as I could think. I was tiny and could see how aggressive and nasty he was to my mum, and just didn't like being in his presence. He would put me on his knee to cut my nails and I hated it.
Tbh I always wonder why 'they' say children love their parents even if they're abusive. I didn't feel like that about my dad.

billy1966 · 15/03/2022 09:38

OP,

He sounds awful.

Your daughter sees this.

She sounds like a bright child.

Don't compound her misfortune of having a shit father with a mother who denies her reality.

That would be VERY WRONG of you to do.

Her gut is telling her he is not a nice person.

She sees that in action with his mother.

Do not try to convince her that her gut is wrong.

Stop being false and excited.

Remain neutral.
Listen to her.
Do not lie and tell her he is a nice good man, when he clearly is not...

Unless you would like her to end up with someone just like him?

Is that what you want?

I think not.

Branleuse · 15/03/2022 09:41

[quote angusthongs]@TheLightSideOfTheMoon she is even saying things like 'i don't like him even in my memory.' It's quite upsetting as they did have a really strong bond at one point and she loved going to stay with him. [/quote]
Thats really concerning. She is being very very clear with you. Id be worrying what the hell he had done

Bookworm20 · 15/03/2022 11:16

@Merryoldgoat

I’d be stopping contact until she has her own bed.

This.

Tell him, she doesn't like coming to yours because she doesn't even have her own room and she thinks youve been mean to her grandmother.

So think its best she doesn't stay over at yours until you have sorted out her room and start making an actual effort with her.

Squeezita · 15/03/2022 11:19

@skodadoda

OP isn’t assuming, the child has said daddy is mean to mummy.

You’ve missed my point, which is that she may not like him because of his behaviour to her. And that is much more worrying.

skodadoda · 15/03/2022 13:56

@Squeezita
I have not missed your point. I see exactly what you are implying. I’m challenging your claim that OP is making an assumption.

Squeezita · 15/03/2022 15:46

@skodadoda you're still missing my point [facepalm]

No one is disputing that the dd has seen her dad be nasty to her mum.

My point is there are much bigger issues here, such as the bed sharing, the cigarette smoking and generally being nasty to women/girls, of which dd will inevitably become a target.

Look at the nuance.

Embracelife · 15/03/2022 15:53

She s growing up and understands mors
Listen to her and acknowledge
Get her to draw daddy mummy herself her houses
Might reveal
Get her to play Teddy or dolly visiting daddy

His depression his responsibility to seek help
Ask gp for referral to family therapist you can talk to for advice

Mossstitch · 15/03/2022 15:55

Apart from everything else you need to tell him that DD is seeing him be nasty to his mum and picking up on things he says to you at hand over time and is making her own mind up about him. It is his behaviour that needs to change if he wants to improve his relationship with his daughter.

iamsoreadyforbednow · 15/03/2022 16:02

Kids aren’t dumb.

My own dad made the same mistake. My sister was a toddler (3) when they got a divorce, and when we would go round for tea he would just be bitter and disgusting towards our mum. If he asked us how our weekend was it would be “how was your weekend, but don’t tell me anything about your mother” most things were never directly to my sister but they were said over dinner, kids listen, they understand tone and the tone is unpleasant.

She became fearful to even go there, refused. My mum would speak highly of him to convince her to go but she wouldn’t. I felt the same I eventually stopped seeing him also but I was older and obviously could make my own decisions and tell him my reasons, she couldn’t.

You need to make it clear to your ex that the way he speaks to you, especially in her presence, whether she’s stood in the room or upstairs - it’s damaging and no one wins, he loses his daughter slowly and she grows up with a negative image of her father.

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