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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect 4 year to go toilet alone

38 replies

Yumchips · 14/03/2022 18:54

Just wondering if it's developmentally still normal for 4 year to refuse to go toilet alone at home? 4 year old is fully potty trained, never had poo anxiety etc no accidents since 2.5 years old. Just wondered if I'm expecting too much of her. She expects me to drop everything when she needs the loo and feels like a waste of time when I'm busy making dinner etc. I know probably seems to trivial but grates on me as 8 months pregnant atm and a bit grumpy with her constant demands over various stuff. She will refuse to go if I don't accompany her and proceed to cry/tantrum.

OP posts:

namechange30455 · 14/03/2022 18:58

Have you asked her why she wants you to go with her?

What happens if you just refuse because you're busy? Does she just refuse to go by herself and end up having an accident?

jytdtysrht · 14/03/2022 19:01

Mine wanted help at that age. They are now teens and obviously have not needed help for years but I wouldn’t withdraw help if she needs it.

Unsureaboutit9 · 14/03/2022 19:04

Totally normal, some kids probably don’t require it but some do. She needs to slowly start learning you can’t always come though, I encouraged my DD to set off and ‘get started’ and then I’d come alone before she finished… and weaned her off needing me in there that way.

Original poster

Yumchips · 14/03/2022 19:05

@namechange30455 she will just winge and whine and proceed to cry and tell me how much she needs the toilet. I've tried to understand why specifically she needs me because she can actually do the whole shebang alone, wiping and washing up etc. she will always just says she just wants my company, which makes me both feel guilty and annoyed all at once.

OP posts:

busyeatingbiscuits · 14/03/2022 19:06

Mine needs help wiping her bum sometimes but is otherwise independent.

Lots of 4 year olds are at school and expected to go by themselves and manage the whole process alone so it isn't an unreasonable expectation.

Original poster

Yumchips · 14/03/2022 19:07

@Unsureaboutit9 thanks that's helpful. It's probably just me getting short on patience atm. And I'm probably guilty of comparing to other kids who are going alone. I realise it's probably just developmental and she'll go alone when she's ready.

OP posts:

AHungryCaterpillar · 14/03/2022 19:08

Yes mine does and still has to have me wipe her, I’ve asked what she does at school but she ignores me 😒

Hotpinkangel19 · 14/03/2022 19:09

My 4 year old does this! I bribe her to go by herself.

HairyScaryMonster · 14/03/2022 19:09

My 4.5 yo is a mix. She'll only take herself if it's a poo or she's desperate. So I often go with her, plonk her on the loo and get back to what I'm doing. She gets a merit for her 'try hard card' if she goes by herself when I can see she's wiggling.

Original poster

Yumchips · 14/03/2022 19:10

@jytdtysrht thanks - I think what irks me is that I feel she doesn't need it but wants it. She can go alone at preschool/childminders so she's already capable. I suppose she won't want me around forever and this is a relatively short chapter in the grand scheme of things.

OP posts:

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 14/03/2022 19:11

Is it possible that she may also have a bit of anxiety about new baby taking you away from her?

But keep with the encouragement. Does she go to nursery etc? If so, what's the toilet situation there?

She'll get there in the end!

DoloresOnTheDottedLine · 14/03/2022 19:12

Mine is four in May and she’s 50/50 - sometimes she just slips off and goes by herself and sometimes she insists on her entourage attending her. She’s actually still not totally reliable and has a fair number of accidents (she gets so into her games that she either doesn’t remember/can’t be bothered!). I think at this age it’s all still normal and it’s great that yours is totally dry - well done to you both there. I totally empathise with you feeling a bit “over it” but i would think she’ll probably stop expecting you there once she starts school and has to go by herself on a regular basis.

GetOffTheFrog · 14/03/2022 19:13

Mine likes me to hold her hand
I do hope it's a phase

Idontevenknow · 14/03/2022 19:14

It's developmentally normal, she just wants extra support. It'll pass. Just keep encouraging her

Original poster

Yumchips · 14/03/2022 19:14

@GetOffTheFrog sorry that made me laugh out loud for a second - cute!

OP posts:

Bigoldmachine · 14/03/2022 19:16

Mine was like this and lots better now (still has her moments). It actually got a bit worse when her baby brother arrived. I think she just wanted to know I was still there for her. Of course she usually picked a wildly inconvenient moment when I was feeding or changing or comforting the baby to announce she neeeeeeded me in the loo. Many many times I held the baby with one hand, him hanging off a boob while I kept her company in the loo. It’ll all be ok. She’ll get there eventually. Up to you but I wouldn’t pick this to battle about!

LoveWillOvercome · 14/03/2022 19:17

We went through this with our eldest from when second was due. She wants to know she is still your baby too that you will help her and be her mum still too. It's her way of saying I'm feeling scared about this whole situation and I need to feel connected to you.

It IS bloody annoying but she's tiny and worried about losing her mum to the baby.

Welcome to the new juggle where the eldest may do this a lot if she feels less connected to you.

Good luck!

Original poster

Yumchips · 14/03/2022 19:17

@DoloresOnTheDottedLine thank you and I know you are right - we are lucky and in the grand scheme are doing well and lucky to have no accidents. Just need to get over the slight inconvenience to me!!

OP posts:

negomi90 · 14/03/2022 19:17

But if she wants it that's ok. She wants you there, she wants you to look after her, especially at 4 with a lot of changes. I'm sure she's in the process of doing a lot of growing up this year, school a new baby. Lots of big things happening. She wants the security of knowing that mummy is there and mummy will look after her and make her feel safe and secure if she wants it.
There's nothing wrong with a child asking for attention or asking for care.
I know its annoying, but you have nothing to loose by taking her, and everything to gain by responding to whatever hidden needs she has which is causing her to ask for you to go.
Obviously if you are in a tricky point of cooking/doing something you really can't stop, you tell her that you can't come now, but will come in 5mins (however long it will be). But otherwise the more you respond to easy needs (which don't cost anything other than time) the more secure she'll be and the less she'll be doing it.

NellWilsonsWhiteHair · 14/03/2022 19:20

My just-four often wants/needs me to go with her at home, although like yours she’s been easily dry for two years and manages fine at nursery etc. Sometimes she goes by herself - I think basically because she’s forgotten she’d like to bother me for company 😂

I roll with it as I think babying them when they seem to be asking for that is usually the right thing and no worse for getting to where you want to get to (ie I don’t think they actually grow out of needy phases more quickly when we put our efforts into ‘training’ them) - but she’s my second child and I’m not pregnant, so it’s easier for me to smile indulgently!

I don’t think either of you are being particularly unreasonable. It’s within the bounds of normal and it will pass, but it is annoying to be continually and urgently interrupted.

MarchingOnTogether · 14/03/2022 19:20

It sounds like it's just her way of getting your attention, which is perfectly normal for a child of her age.
If you want her to go on her own be positive about it, tell her what a big clever girl she is and see if she can make you super proud etc etc... Kids just love the spotlight, at the moment she gets that by insisting you go with her but you just have to flip it so she gets the attention by doing it your way

JenniferBarkley · 14/03/2022 19:23

Mine is nearly 4 and goes perfectly well by herself at nursery (both a nursery school and a day care nursery, so two settings) but wants help at home. I think it's just an attention thing, we're encouraging but trying not to stress since she can actually do it.

Original poster

Yumchips · 14/03/2022 19:24

Thank you everyone - sorry ran out of steam to tag you all now! Very grateful for your responses and lots of prepare for with baby coming!!

OP posts:

JenniferBarkley · 14/03/2022 19:24

Oh, and when we wanted her to move from the potty to the toilet we bribed with chocolate buttons which was reasonably successful, you might want to try something like that if it's something you'd like sorted before the baby comes.

CatDogMonkeyPOW · 14/03/2022 19:26

Both of mine went through a phase of that age of being afraid to go anywhere in the house alone. It's when their imaginations start to develop.

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