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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My husband, row

57 replies

Rainingagaininseattle · 14/03/2022 13:01

My close childhood friend was murdered last summer. It is devastating for everyone especially her 3 sons (in their teens) and her elderly parents, made worse by the fact it was her husband who murdered her.

Last night I was talking to her brother about details of her memorial, he was very distressed and he called me. We spoke for about half an hour and it overran into a special meal my husband had cooked to say goodbye to my daughter who's going travelling soon.

I felt I couldn't just end the conversation (in the end I did) because of the meal as I felt comforting him was way more important.

My husband went into a monumental sulk because I was 5 minutes late for the meal. I'm really upset with him. I'm not being unreasonable am I?

OP posts:
Theunamedcat · 14/03/2022 14:00

Five minutes late not an hour ffs and he was cooking so he could have easily delayed it

TirednessButHappiness · 14/03/2022 14:02

Yanbu.

If he can’t see why the call was so important he has issues. Not like you didn’t join the meal at all fgs.

Bubblesandsqueak1 · 14/03/2022 14:09

Hmm tbh how much time does the brother normally take of your free time? You could have also said to your dh can you delay the meal i bit I am just on the phone to x and he needs some support, and to everyone else just because someone does not agree does not make them a troll

Fatgalslim · 14/03/2022 14:16

@NurseBernard

Please, please can people just ignore and/or report the the inappropriate poster, and focus on the OP.
Sadly the same poster seems to be infiltrating a lot of threads lately with completely dickish comments
DaisyRain432 · 14/03/2022 14:31

@Bubblesandsqueak1

How much time they took on the phone is irrelevant. I'm sure the poor man is crushed after losing his wife. The husband could of kept the dinner warm in the oven instead of behaving like a spoilt child

HeddaGarbled · 14/03/2022 14:36

Actually, I can see both sides of this. It was a special meal for your daughter, not just your husband cooking the evening meal.

You were torn, of course you were, but is it possible he sees it as you neglecting your daughter in favour of someone outside the family?

DaisyRain432 · 14/03/2022 14:37

Sorry that should of said after losing his sister x

Bookworm20 · 14/03/2022 14:39

The phone call most definitely trumped the meal given the circumstances. I can understand him being annoyed if you were chatting rubbish to mary down the road, but you were comforting someone who had been through a terrible ordeal.

What did the dc say? Hopefully they are telling their dad not to be such an idiot. Surely the dinner could've waited 5 minutes! Has he never been late for anything op?

Hausa · 14/03/2022 14:47

@HeddaGarbled

Actually, I can see both sides of this. It was a special meal for your daughter, not just your husband cooking the evening meal.

You were torn, of course you were, but is it possible he sees it as you neglecting your daughter in favour of someone outside the family?

I don’t think she was particularly torn. Why on Earth would she be? It wouldn’t occur to most people that being a few minutes late for a meal (however special) because your close friend has been brutally murdered and you’re discussing memorial details constitutes ‘neglecting her daughter in favour of someone outside the family’.

It’s pretty clear to anyone who isn’t quite remarkably self involved that one of these things takes precedence.

Original poster
Rainingagaininseattle · 14/03/2022 15:13

I wasn't torn. I needed to talk about the memorial. Anything else was not as important

OP posts:
NurseBernard · 14/03/2022 15:22

I imagine dinner was a tense, unenjoyable experience after that.

Have you spoken with your husband?

TheMooch · 14/03/2022 15:35

Perhaps your husband was annoyed because he didn't know it would be 5mins, he may have thought it would be alot longer ????

Original poster
Rainingagaininseattle · 14/03/2022 15:44

Yes but however long it would have taken would have been excusable. It was only 5 minutes though. And no the dinner wasn't enjoyable after that.

OP posts:
BlingLoving · 14/03/2022 15:49

MM, I do think your DH is being a bit unsympathetic but I also can see his side - did the memorial conversation have to take place then or could it not have taken place later that evening or the following day? Obviously, in normal circumstances, it wouldn't matter, but if this was a special family celebratory event, I can appreciate that him and your DD may have been frustrated. Also, do you often act as support for her brother because while I think that's perfectly reasonable, it might be that your family feel it is to their detriment.

I suspect what's happening is that you and her extended family are clearly traumatised. This was a terrible event and you are all shocked and upset, and that won't go away quickly. However, from your family's perspective, it may be that they feel that you have been so focused on this that you are neglecting them somewhat.

I think it's a very very difficult situation and I'm very sorry for her, you and her family.

Nelliephant1 · 14/03/2022 15:49

How is your daughter? It sounds like she was stuck in the middle of your argument and may feel that she was inadvertently part of the cause. I feel sorry for her leaving on this kind of note.

PyongyangKipperbang · 14/03/2022 15:50

My daughters best friend was murdered five years ago, it was all over the media and DD really struggled seeing on TV over the following weeks. She was devastated, how it happened made it all so much harder for her to deal with.

We moved heaven and earth to make sure she could spend time with her friends family and attend the memorial that happened later that year by which time she was at uni. She couldnt get herself back due to timings so we drove for hours to get her and then take her back. What person wouldnt?!

Your husband is an absolute arsehole.

oakleaffy · 14/03/2022 16:05

@Rainingagaininseattle

Didn't mean to enable voting
But look at the amount of people who agree with you... Of course you weren't unreasonable to comfort a friend in these shocking circumstances.
Hont1986 · 14/03/2022 16:11

Have you been spending a lot of time over the past year supporting the brother?

StooOrangeyForCrows · 14/03/2022 16:12

So is he normally this much of an asshole or is this new territory?

What are the issues within your marriage? It sounds like he saw a chance to have a go and took it.

Gowithme · 14/03/2022 16:16

If you're on the phone to someone who has been terribly upset for an hour and a half straight (understandably so) then it is likely that call is going to go on all night unless you end it and I don't think it's unreasonable to end it after an hour and a half. There is literally nothing you can do to make that person feel better and your husband has cooked a special meal to celebrate your daughter going away for (I assume) a fairly long time.

If you're already having problems then I would have to prioritise my own family (having already spent an hour and a half talking to the brother). I know how it feels to feel like a family member always prioritises other people, but the person I would have felt particularly bad for is your daughter - it's not clear how she felt about it though? Maybe she wasn't bothered.

So for me it depends whether this is a pattern of behaviour where family always feel they come last or a one off because of the terrible things that happened to your friend.

Againstmachine · 14/03/2022 16:37

On the face of it your husband is being a arse.

However is there more back story, is this consuming a lot of time and you are forgetting about your family, is this the first time you are late or is it a continuing theme.

Stressedout1009 · 14/03/2022 16:42

So sorry for your loss. Your dh behavior is unacceptable.

Planesmistakenforstars · 14/03/2022 16:47

Do the problems in your relationship involve him being a selfish prick by any chance?

BellatricksStrange · 14/03/2022 16:50

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

billy1966 · 14/03/2022 16:53

Oh OP, how absolutely horrendous.

I'm so sorry.

Perhaps the realisation of how petty your husband is will help you move on in your life.

It really is too short to spend it with people like him.

How absolutely heartbreaking for you and her family.Flowers