Should I just quit drinking altogether?

[Tequilaaaaa]

Hi,

Nc for this.

So I absolutely know I drink too much. I won't pretend any other. I love a drink - wine mostly. One of my favourite things to do is sit outside with friends or family in the summer and have a few glasses of chilled white wine, whilst chatting and laughing. I don't usually drink in the week and save it for the weekend, so 3 on, 4 off. This probably does change a bit in the summer though, as it's just too tempting to sit in the sun with a glass of something.

Whereas I don't really have any other vices, I'm generally quite healthy and watch what I eat etc, I am starting to wonder if I shouldn't just go teetotal. As I said, I genuinely do love a drink and I don't want to give up, but I've had a few mornings recently where I've felt quite disgusted with myself. Not because I've done anything awful after drinking, but just because I know I've drunk too much and feel utterly crap. A hangover is an absolute waste of a day and as I get older, the "fear" gets stronger and stronger and yeah, just feel angry with myself.

I never drink to get drunk. I don't enjoy the feeling at all. I tend to go from feeling mellow and tipsy, to absolutely had enough. Dp also likes a drink, so we're not really good for each other with that.

Yesterday morning I woke feeling like crap and again, wondered why I'd done it to myself, but something holds me back from just cutting it out completely. I think I have attached a lot of joy to it over the years and I don't actually want to give up, but then can I realistcally have a healthy relationship with alcohol anymore?

YABU - You don't need to quit, just work harder at cutting down.

YANBU - Yes, go teetotal.

Or even if you're just on the same page and can relate, be good to hear your thoughts.

TIA

@Davethecat2001

Congratulations on remaining teetotal since the start of the year. I'd say that if you and your partner were getting up to 3 bottles between you of a night, that is definitely a red flag.

I mean it doesn't sound like you're dependant on booze in any of the chemical senses, it sounds like you really enjoy drinking, but that you've absorbed the message that you need to feel guilty about it. Hangover shame is 100% a thing, but drinking is morally neutral as long as it's not making you behave horribly or impacting the people in your life.

I've found that having nine months off for pregnancy was quite helpful for me. It showed me that I can absolutely enjoy an evening when I'm not drinking. But it would be even more enjoyable if I were drinking. I wonder if you might benefit from a couple of weeks or months off, to show yourself that you're able to go without it.

I would also try to break this guilt cycle where you feel like a bad person the next day. Again, a 'wasted' day is completely morally neutral as long as you're not letting anyone down. Drink your wine in the garden, then spend the day having a long bath and watching TV, if your life allows for that, what's the problem?

The only time I would say you need to quit is if the hangover blues are making you feel worse than the wine drinking is making you happy. If that's the case then absolutely, time to quit.

You could also think about trying low alcohol wine (there's a Brancott one which is about 8% and actually quite nice) or a half measure of spirit in a pint of mixer, and see how you feel.

I don't think it sounds at all like you have a unhealthy relationship with alcohol. I know a lot of people who've given up and evangelise about it but to me it feels like a really restrictive thing to do. I think it's too simple to say "if you're asking the question, the answer is yes". The same would apply to most things in life - "should I exercise more?", "should I read more instead of watching as much TV?" etc. If you do enjoy it and don't want to give up, I think the answer might be to just go a bit easier on yourself when you feel crap.

Quit for 30 days and see the difference I did on the 01/01/22 and have had a drop since! It's quite a game changer and just like you I was questioning my drinking amount and feeling a bit rough round the edges. I know now that I was functioning on half cylinders and that's been enough to keep going with the alcohol free life.

@Ambushedbycakeinmydreams thanks.. I found that the month of January was all about 'counting down the days', wheras by February it was 'how will I manage going to a 50th and not drinking.. or should I have just one.. or two??' etc...confusion.

Now I actually don't think about it much.. I went to a pub for dinner on Saturday night with my sister ( big wine drinker), and her family plus OH and my two DC, fully intending to have a glass or two if I wanted to, but when it came to it.. I didn't.

Her nice big cold glass of Piinot looked amazing when it arrived, and I sniffed it (!) and reaalllly fancied some, but the craving had gone within 10 mins. Same as the 50th in Feb. Gave myself permission to drink if I wanted, but to wait till the evening itself, and actually when OH went to the bar and asked me what I wanted, I didn't want a drink-drink.

The 'milestones' of parties, pubs and socialising have been and gone now, and I know I can cope, so come summer, if I fancy a glass, I'll have ine, but I won't worry about it beforehand or beat myself up either way.

A good reset was what I needed, and if it goes tits up again, I'll knock it on the head again.

@Davethecat2001 I wish you all the best. I know, it's not always easy but it is doable. More pubs and restaurants are expanding their selection of alcohol free stuff and Sainsbury's is particularly good for AF. My favourites are Gordon's 0% gin and Sainsbury's own brand of sparkling fizz (so much better than NonSecco).

I quit at the beginning of the year for very similar reasons to you. I hated feeling hungover the next day - an entire day spent feeling crap just wasn't worth it for a few hours of relaxation in the evening.

I've always been a drinker, made a right tit of myself in my 20s. The drinking calmed down as I got older but settled from nights out to a bottle of wine between me and DP at least 3 nights a week (more if we found a reason to drink, and we often did). I'd spend the week counting down til I could have a glass of wine. It really had control over me.

Giving up completely has worked for me because I can't do moderation. When cutting down I still ended up giving alcohol way more headspace than it needs.

The alcohol free thread on here is really great, and there are lots of good books out there about giving up drinking. Apparently you need to give up for at least 3 months to really see the physical benefits and for your mind to break free from the pleasure cycle that drinking creates.

I do miss having a glass of wine to relax, but waking up without a hangover is really bloody lovely. Good luck whatever you decide!

@Davethecat2001 You and me both! Stopped on the 2nd of jan and haven't touched it since.... don't miss it now but the first month was hard....

Don't want to drink now as i feel so much better, more energy, better sleep and the money i ve saved makes up more than the extra i spend on fuel and heating so a win win :)

I'm with you, OP.

I love(d) wine / Prosecco but it had become a long term habit.

The calories, the relaxed silliness, the snacks I consumed, the over-sharing, the hangxiety and the hangovers just got worse and worse.

I contemplated giving up alcohol completely many times but it's really built into my relationship and my social circle.

So I've switched to gin & tonic.
I have one or two most nights.

They really work because:

1: I don't like them strong so I really do measure a 20ml single shot.
2: they are pleasant but don't make me want to have more and more
3: they are slow to drink
3: the people I'm with feel I'm drinking which is wrong but important.

I also don't like them enough to get a cab so I can drink them, so we've rediscovered restaurants further away as I will now happily drive.

I used to be a heavy drinker on a night out, but over a few years went to barely drinking at all….I will have one or two occasionally.

The key for me was having some alcohol-free nights out (perhaps before a busy day) and finding that I enjoyed myself just as much, possibly even more - I prefer to stay coherent and I really hadn’t been! Followed by a clear head and clear memories.

Prefer it now really.

I did dry jan this years and really glad I did. I was drinking too much: wine and beer in the week and weekend. Not everyday but most. I loved not drinking and although am alcohol again now it it only once or twice a week and no where near as much. I enjoy it, appreciate it and realise how I felt hungover most days before and thought that was normal. It is almost like I have reset how I view alcohol. And evenings are not boring without it!

If you regularly feel self-disgust after doing something, whether it's drinking, eating junk food, gambling, meaningless sex or anything else, life will be better for you if you stop doing it.

I went teetotal 4 years ago, one of the best things I've done.

I think you have to have a very honest look at how much you’re drinking. Normal bottle of wine these days seems to be at least 12 units and 250ml is a fairly normal home measure, so that’s 4 units a glass. So 20 units would be 5 glasses.

Are you being honest with yourself re how much you're drinking? 1 or 2 standard sized glasses of wine shouldn't leave you waking up with hangovers?

If you feel you have to ask then you should probably quit. Sorry OP!

If you are regularly consuming more than the recommended number of units per week then you do absolutely need to cut down at least as you will damage your body if not.

I can totally relate to what you’ve said. I love,love, love a glass of wine or two when relaxing with friends, but during the pandemic my drinking crept up, and the self-loathing I was experiencing while wasting another day hungover was just something else. I did dry January and really loved the feeling of having my weekends back (I only drink on Friday or Saturday nights anyway), and although I have started drinking again, I have really cut back. What has helped me is having small wine glasses (mine are from IKEA and hold 125ml, an ‘official’ small glass of wine), and getting a Vacuvin so no need to feel I would waste what’s left of a bottle by it going off. Now I have two or three small glasses on a Friday night, and finish the bottle on Saturday night. That small amount doesn’t give me a hangover (I can go for a 5k run the day after which would have been impossible before!), and yet I still get to savour my lovely wine. I don’t have many other vices, and am trying to live by the maxim ‘a little of what you fancy does you good’!

Sort of feel your pain, OP, I really do!

I don't, by a lot of peoples standards, drink very often or even that much. I can't afford to go out more than once or twice a month, and don't really drink in the house.

The last few times I have been out, the hangover has been awful..really bad anxiety and depression. I always think I can handle it because I know its just a chemical thing, but when it hits I severely regret making myself feel like that.

It's age catching up with me, my body is obviously trying to tell me something.

Having said that, I could never make the decision to be teetotal. going out for beers forms too much of a part of my social life. I also don't feel I drink anywhere near enough for it to be a problem , I just need to manage it better when I do.

I can see the appeal of the way you enjoy alcohol, and while 3 times per week is probably too much, I do admire the way you can go 4 without. I'm a very all or nothing person, and during lockdown I developed a massive drinking problem after hardly drinking at all the previous 10 years. I was drinking excessively, until very drunk, every night. I couldn't go 1 or 2 days without.

I finally went cold turkey at the beginning of 2021 and feel so much better for it, my physical and mental health have improved enormously. However, I really do think I'll miss going out with friends for a few drinks, having a drink at family meals Etc. I feel a bit sad about that, but although I don't consider myself an alcoholic, I am genuinely worried that if I let myself have a couple I'd end up drinking every day again. I don't have a social life at the moment though so it isn't really a concern for me! But if I did, and my drinking was more like yours, I'd like to try to cut down in the long term yet still allow myself to enjoy drinking socially.

I do think it'd be an interesting experiment to go tee total for a few weeks initially, though, to see how easy you find it, how you cope, feel the benefits Etc, could be an eye opener.

I felt so much better after quitting drinking. We get the word intoxicated because alcohol is a toxin.

Give it a go. If you struggle to stop that's a sign that you probably need to.

If I were you I'd start by being much more strict with measures. 2/3 units a night, 3 days a week doesn't strike me as unhealthy drinking levels.

Change your drink. I could drink buckets of wine until I hit my 30s and for the last 20 years I've had awful hangovers if I drink more than a couple. I switched to gin and tonic about 10 years ago and can honestly say I rarely get a hangover and certainly not one that lasts more than a couple of hours.

If you were told there’s no alcohol available ( anywhere- total world shortage) next weekend how would you feel? If you feel even a bit edgy that’s not a good sign.

That's interesting.

A total world shortage, I wouldn't care at all because I wouldn't be the only one not having any. I wouldn't be the only one not sharing a bottle of wine with my DP, or going to a fun bar for cocktails.

I thought I liked nice wine and fancy cocktails but maybe I just have FOMO

I can relate. I definitely felt for a while that I was drinking too much, and as you say, I'd feel bad in the morning. Not full blown hangovers but often poor sleep from too much wine and/or mild hangover.

For me it was about being a bit more mindful about it. And also, I realised it was too easy to drink the first glass or two ridiculously quickly. Now, when I finish work and am about to pour a glass of wine, I start with a very big glass of water - because I learnt that without it, I'd drink the first glass so fast, that I'd be mildly tipsy and have no self control after.

I also have a few non-alcoholic drinks to have on hand that feel a bit more appealing than water or plain juice to swap out for wine.

A bottle of wine now usually lasts me at least 3 days, often more, especially if I open one then have a day or two of non drinking. I have a bottle of red wine that I opened on Wednesday, and which a friend had a glass of, that is still going (although I did have two cocktails with a friend on Saturday night). I'm a bit concerned it won't be drinkable by tonight/tomorrow. That wouldn't have happened a year ago.