Anyone else feel like a rubbish person for mistakes they've made over the years?

[Donewithit888]

When I was 19 (12 years ago) I broke up with my boyfriend of 2 years as I felt that it had run its course, he was devastated. A couple of days later I slept with someone else, it was a complete rebound thing but I ended up dating the guy a couple of months later.
The relationship was over and yes I was 'free', but I felt it was still awful to do that. I ended up confessing to people and my friends judged me for it and I was called a slag. I apologized to my ex and luckily he met someone better for him a few months later. I remember feeling suicidal over it and thinking I'd have to move to another place where nobody knew me. I know it's dramatic looking back and I was 19 but it still makes me feel like a bad person.

I had a friend around 4 years ago who was incredibly flaky, not just with me but with work and such. She would constantly cancel last minute, she'd also at some points become very cold and off with you for no apparent reason, blank you for a few weeks then be fine 2 weeks later.

We'd had a bit of a disagreement over something and I remember her being a bit frustrated that I was always skint. One point I remember her telling me she was too busy to meet, giving short replies etc. Yet posting photos on social media with another friend.
I ended up blocking her number and moving on. Then apologized to her around a year later but she clearly wasn't interested by then.

I shouldn't have ever blocked her, I just got sick of the mixed messages from her and truly felt at that point she was no longer interested in our friendship. I took it personally at the time but looking back maybe it wasn't, I don't know. Anyway this sort of thing has happened since but I don't block people now over it.

My current partner is an acquaintance's ex. They broke up around 4 years before we got together. She wasn't a close friend, I hadn't seen her for years and we stayed in touch sometimes but it was mainly me sending messages which she'd occasionally reply to. She had broken up with him and met her current partner a year later.

Anyway she found out we were in touch (not together at this point) and she was really upset. I told her that I liked him and that we had been talking, she was really angry and said out of all the guys I could have met why her ex, how she'd 'never do that'.
I apologized to her as much as I could, she blocked me a few weeks later and this was a couple of years ago now. She was close friends with a mutual friend of ours who she apparently spoke to daily but as I say I barely heard from her and hadn't seen her in years, yet I felt that I was now her 'friend' when it suited her.
Anyway it still makes me feel like I'm a bad person.

Just this sort of stuff really, I know it's probably my self esteem and I shouldn't punish myself forever. We all make mistakes. I do think I'm kind and a good person but I was stupid when younger. Does anyone else feel like that?

No not in the slightest. Jesus I thought you killed someone from your headline.

I can identify and it's definitely related to self esteem generally. There's also some links to 'rumination' (basically over thinking) which isn't great for mental health. But overall you seem like a normal person, with a conscience and that is a good thing.

Yes but generally I've learned to accept I like everyone else am not perfect. I have times where I overthink and dwell on my wrong doings and my list is much much longer than yours! But I've been able to shrug things off more easily now and laugh it off.

By the way your so called friend deserved to be blocked. And the acquaintance had no right making you feel bad, she doesn't have the monopoly on who her ex sees. So stop feeling bad for it. It was them not you in the wrong

No, because shit happens in life and you deal with it and move on.
You broke up with a person when you were 19 —- happens every day, you’re not likely to commit for life to someone you meet so young. A few days later you had sex with another person — your choice, your business , your responsibility. Why did you feel you had to tell people and apologise?
You dropped someone who wasn’t a reliable friend. Again, this happens every day to thousands of people. Once you make the decision and carry out the action, it’s done. What is to be served by going back over it and deciding you need to apologise?
Any partner you meet is likely to have had an ex. You might know them, you might know their granny, or their ex teacher they had at primary school. None of that matters.
You seem to think you’re hurting people when you’re really not. Where you made to apologise profusely as a child?
Practice making small decisions — I’ll throw this away, give that away, eat this huge cake —- and not go back over your decision. Then move onto doing the same with bigger things.

We've all done confused and messy things. Don't let this take you down.
Go gently on your past.

Also the situations sound like ones most of us would do the same in!

I don’t see what you’ve done wrong. To be honest, if the things you have listed are all you have to feel regretful about, I’d say you’ve led a pretty blameless life 😊

As humans, most of us have done things we might look back on and think, hmm, maybe with hindsight I would have done that differently or indeed, not at all. I certainly have. However, with decent self esteem in place, you can reflect on those events, acknowledge your part in them but then move on and get on with your life.

Your past is just that. Don’t let ‘mistakes’ in your past ruin your present or indeed, your future. Forgive yourself, be kind to yourself, allow yourself to let things go. Be grateful that you have lived a life with all its ups and downs!

You didn't do anything wrong as far as I can see...

dont see what youve done wrong in any of these past experiences except for blocking your friend and then trying to get in touch again. should have just left it as she didnt sound like a great friend to start with.

also telling people you had slept with someone after breaking up with your boyfriend. not their business.

try to stop oversharing and giving people the power to judge you, and own your decisions in life.

If you wouldn't judge a random 19 year old now for that (and really you did nothing wrong) then don't judge 19 year old you for it. Same with the other stuff!

There are no crimes on you lost there, life is messy and sometimes we upset people. All those people you think you have wronged have done things that aren't perfect too.

When you get stuck in these thoughts, do try and question if you would be a mean to a friend about them as you are being to yourself. I know it's not easy to change thought patterns but they are habits and habits can be broken. I struggle with the same stuff but have got better. It is literally impossible to go through life without upsetting people, so it's important to learn to forgive yourself
Best wishes to you!

@Xpologog

No, because shit happens in life and you deal with it and move on. You broke up with a person when you were 19 —- happens every day, you’re not likely to commit for life to someone you meet so young. A few days later you had sex with another person — your choice, your business , your responsibility. Why did you feel you had to tell people and apologise? You dropped someone who wasn’t a reliable friend. Again, this happens every day to thousands of people. Once you make the decision and carry out the action, it’s done. What is to be served by going back over it and deciding you need to apologise? Any partner you meet is likely to have had an ex. You might know them, you might know their granny, or their ex teacher they had at primary school. None of that matters. You seem to think you’re hurting people when you’re really not. Where you made to apologise profusely as a child? Practice making small decisions — I’ll throw this away, give that away, eat this huge cake —- and not go back over your decision. Then move onto doing the same with bigger things.

Exactly this. You haven’t done anything wrong, OP. Own your decisions and stop being so apologetic about complete non-events where you weren’t at fault! No one after the age of about fourteen gets a box-fresh new boyfriend/girlfriend with no exes. And personally I think ending a longish relationship that was no longer working at 19 was an excellent decision.

Thanks everyone for making me feel better. You're right, they had no right to judge me and the friend i mentioned i was better off without.

Took years but I learned to forgive myself. Or understand that there was nothing needing forgiveness.
Glad you're feeling better, OP.

@AnIconOfImperfections

I don’t see what you’ve done wrong. To be honest, if the things you have listed are all you have to feel regretful about, I’d say you’ve led a pretty blameless life 😊

As humans, most of us have done things we might look back on and think, hmm, maybe with hindsight I would have done that differently or indeed, not at all. I certainly have. However, with decent self esteem in place, you can reflect on those events, acknowledge your part in them but then move on and get on with your life.

Your past is just that. Don’t let ‘mistakes’ in your past ruin your present or indeed, your future. Forgive yourself, be kind to yourself, allow yourself to let things go. Be grateful that you have lived a life with all its ups and downs!

Most of those situations are normal and show what a bloody sexist society we live it.

You broke up with someone and had sex with someone else. Being thought of or call a single woman for having sex with another single person is highly sexist. Says more about your friends then you.

As to your flakey friend - blocking her and moving on - this sounds sensible and not silly at all.

As to the girl who is the ex - that’s her problem and not yours.

I personally don’t see anything wrong with any of it except you being hard on yourself.

Did you have abusive parents? Or are you a people pleaser?

Please don’t judge yourself be a friend to you and a supporter of you

You've been holding yourself up to an impossible standard. Each of those situations is fine, you've done nothing so dramatic that it wouldn't be forgiven by normal exes and friends. Forgive yourself and move on.

You did nothing wrong in any of those situations. You have been unlucky to have been around some judgemental, critical and not very nice people who have made you feel at fault when you weren't. I hope you have some decent people in your life now to reassure you if in future you are unfairly criticised.

I thought you were going to have done something bad!

They're all good things. Two consenting adults having sex... so what?

You blocked someone? Good call, she sounds like a pain.

Give yourself a break.

I feel guilty constantly. For everything I have. For everything I do. It's rubbish but I don't know how to stop.

By the way, yabu to feel bad yanbu to have done these things. The poll is confusing and it's not going to be clear. Just read the comments.

Thanks again so much this has really helped me.

You sound perfectly normal to me! But all this ‘confessing’ - what’s that about? Just be true to yourself and don’t worry about what anyone else thinks!

Can totally relate to this OP, although from reading your post you're really not a bad person
For some reason over the last year or so I've been dwelling on things I've done wrong or regretted over the years. A big one is sleeping around a lot in my 20s (like, a LOT). I did it because of low self esteem and wanting to feel affection, but I still feel like shit about it. I'm 33 now and am finally in a really wonderful place in my life and with a wonderful man, and I think that's why I've started reflecting more on my past of late. I'm trying not to let it get to me though.
I went to a small gathering with DP and DP's brother recently, when we got there a guy approached me in the kitchen (no one else in earshot thank god) and asked me if I remembered him.....apparently we'd been on a date and slept together, I had zero memory of this and felt absolutely disgusted at myself abd the situation generally.

This is the comment that really stood out to me:

I ended up confessing to people and my friends judged me for it and I was called a slag.

I can't abide the repulsive double-standards levelled at women - even if, God forbid, we do take our pleasure where we choose to find it. It seems to me life is infinitely more generous when it comes to doling out pain than pleasure, and few criticize men for the same behaviour. Women calling each other 'bitch' and 'slag' sicken me and as for blocking them, I wouldn't tolerate anyone in my orbit who thought that kind of misogynistic language was in any way acceptable, least of all levelled it at me.

The good news is that your tolerance threshold for obnoxious, judgemental arseholes is likely to go waaaaay down as you get older. Embrace it. It's liberating.

IMO you have good standards as to what kind of behaviour you won't choose to tolerate from others. Women who call other women 'slags' are not friends. Keep on keeping on, OP. I, for one, say kudos to you.

So, so, so, many things I've done wrong and regret and hate myself for. The older I am, the worse I feel about it. I have no solution.

I read something somewhere along the lines of "you are not defined by your past" and I think it is very true.

From your title I thought you had killed someone, what you describe is just stuff that people do when they are younger and you really should not feel bad for it.