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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I know I know but...

28 replies

123becauseicouldntthinkofone · 13/03/2022 23:04

Long time stalker never poster. For years I have commented and had thoughts but never posted but I am seriously at the end of my fucking wit. I don't normally swear but I have genuinely hit a point my extended vocabulary cannot come up with another word from the twat I live with and god that is one of the hated words but I cannot come up with anything more. Sorry that mini vent over but I am exhausted I am 45 with a 17 Yr boy and a guy who thinks he 17. He hasn't paid anymore in bills since son was born even though I earn less it was 50/50 which is fine but since mentioning everything going up gonna cost him more it's hit the fan. Can't deny a lot is my fault as have allowed him to sit on his skinny lazy arse and go to work come home go to pub get tea on table and do that every day for 10 years. He said tonight he doesn't want to be with me and I am a little relieved as my response was no problem when do you want me to leave? His response was what u mean I am leaving....I said no u have a dog and a son you have responsibilities to this house, I will transfer to you just give me a day...welllll he shit himself. Tomorrow he will deny all knowledge so I have sent him a text backing up everything he said and saying I want a partnership no a doormat and he has a choice he can go pub or stay and attempt to sort but if he goes pub I won't be here when he gets back...am I wrong I am sick of feeling like a doormat

OP posts:
Mamamia7962 · 13/03/2022 23:07

I'm sorry but I don't understand why you don't have a joint account.

BeforeGodAndAllTheFish · 13/03/2022 23:10

Never heard of financial abuse or controlling men?
Maybe this isnt the thread for you and you should just keep quiet.

Original poster
123becauseicouldntthinkofone · 13/03/2022 23:17

Not quite sure how to take your reply but that sounds threatening or dodgy as hell

OP posts:
DartmoorChef · 13/03/2022 23:20

Let him leave. He doesn't bring anything positive into your life does he?

Original poster
123becauseicouldntthinkofone · 13/03/2022 23:21

Because I earned less than him when we moved in together years ago now u earn more but have more debt because he doesn't pull his weight

OP posts:
Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 13/03/2022 23:21

Nothing changes if nothing changes. Leave or make him leave and stop wasting your life with this loser. He wont change, he wont improve, he will just suck you dry and infect your child with his laziness and abuse. Start coming up with your exit plan.

Gottonsomedraws · 13/03/2022 23:23

@123becauseicouldntthinkofone I think @Before was replying to @Mamamia7962

AllOfUsAreDead · 13/03/2022 23:23

Just leave. He's a knob, let him panic, it will be funny.

Original poster
123becauseicouldntthinkofone · 13/03/2022 23:23

I am hitting the point of agreeing after giving up 20 years of my life but like hell he leaving, he can stay have the dog the teen and I will leave think I am due some peaceafter all these years of shite

OP posts:
BeforeGodAndAllTheFish · 13/03/2022 23:23

What?
The poster above me was being totally obtuse and clearly diesnt understand what it is like to live with a man who wont engage financially and treats you like crap. Her faux naivety and "oh I just dont understand why you dont have a joint account" was very very misplaced given the things you've said about him, so that poster really needs to just stay out of it.

It was quite obvious I wasnt speaking to you, OP. And I certainly didnt threaten you. But I'm not going to be accused of being threatening so I'm out. Good luck.

Original poster
123becauseicouldntthinkofone · 13/03/2022 23:25

Thanks a little new to this posting stuff now your reply makes sense x

OP posts:
Gottonsomedraws · 13/03/2022 23:25

Is the 17 year old your DC?

I wouldn’t be leaving my child behind, ever.

But yes to leaving him, if you are at the end of the road with him.

Copenhagenoffice · 13/03/2022 23:29

it was quite obvious I wasnt speaking to you, OP. And I certainly didnt threaten you. But I'm not going to be accused of being threatening so I'm out.

It absolutely wasn't obvious, I couldn't work out why you were responding to the OP like that.

Copenhagenoffice · 13/03/2022 23:30

BeforeGodAndAllTheFish

You need to copy and paste who you are responding to as not clear.

BeforeGodAndAllTheFish · 13/03/2022 23:34

@Copenhagenoffice

I quoted them. It appeared in my draft. It didnt post.
But since there was only one other reply on the entire thread, it really wouldn't take a lot of reading to work it out. And the OP would have reason that response and then mine.... so yes, pretty obvious.

RandomMess · 13/03/2022 23:35

Is the marital house rented or mortgaged?

If you think you want to leave get your ducks in a row! Name off bills, give notice to Landlord that you will be coming off the tenancy.

Have you somewhere to go and stay or are you going to go to a shared house or try rent a flat?

Pinkbonbon · 13/03/2022 23:37

@Gottonsomedraws

Is the 17 year old your DC?

I wouldn’t be leaving my child behind, ever.

But yes to leaving him, if you are at the end of the road with him.

He is 17, not 7. He could be off living at uni alone by now.

And she isn't talking about abandoning him, she is leaving him with his dad. Why wpuld it be ok for his dad to leave but not her?

That being said op, is the house owned? If so, why would you leave it? Tell him to pavk his vans and go tomorrow. That'll have the same jolt. Ad he probably expect you to beg him to stay xD

Don't give up your property for him.

But if its rented, in his name, fuck it, leave him. And treat yourself to a nice long sunny holiday.

purpleboy · 13/03/2022 23:37

[quote BeforeGodAndAllTheFish]@Copenhagenoffice

I quoted them. It appeared in my draft. It didnt post.
But since there was only one other reply on the entire thread, it really wouldn't take a lot of reading to work it out. And the OP would have reason that response and then mine.... so yes, pretty obvious.[/quote]
It wasn't obvious at all, I had to re read it several times and ended up hoping that you were replying to the poster above.

Op, what does he bring to your life?
Seriously get out whilst your still young.

thingymaboob · 13/03/2022 23:41

To those saying they'd not leave a 17 year old in these circumstances, I think that's ridiculous. The 17 year old practically adult and the OP needs to move out for own sanity.

Dibbydoos · 13/03/2022 23:45

Hi OP, I think you know it's time to end this. Im not typically in favour of throwing relationships away, but 20years of him (effectively) sponging off and even I dont think this relationship can be salvaged.

I def wouldnt leave my DS unless thats what he wants, leave the door open for him though cos his dad is no role model!

I wish you the best of tge best, go luve the life you want to with happiness xxx

WeasilyPleased · 13/03/2022 23:47

Get your name off the tenancy and the bills and run like the very wind!

5foot5 · 14/03/2022 00:07

@Copenhagenoffice

it was quite obvious I wasnt speaking to you, OP. And I certainly didnt threaten you. But I'm not going to be accused of being threatening so I'm out.

It absolutely wasn't obvious, I couldn't work out why you were responding to the OP like that.

Seemed pretty bloody obvious to me. Ah well
whitewashing · 14/03/2022 06:34

It was obvious to me too!

Tlollj · 14/03/2022 06:38

I wouldn’t leave my son, no matter how old. But definitely kick this test of a man out.

Gottonsomedraws · 14/03/2022 11:43

For those saying the dc is 17 and an adult etc. It’s not about whether they are nearly an adult and can be living independently, it’s the fact that an adolescent will have their world turned upside down when all this kicks off and for me, that is not fair.
We don’t know what the 17 yr olds relationship is with the parents mum or dad, but for me I would still talk to my DC in this situation, explain what I was thinking and ask them what they want, as PP have said he is nearly an adult and therefore does get to give his view.
Even if he is 17, he MIGHT still feel his DM has left HIM - and that’s not helpful when you are navigating the world as an adolescent and all that it brings.

OP I totally agree you do have to do what’s right for you, I’d be telling HIM to leave, not contemplating leaving the house tbh. Good luck whatever you decide.

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