AIBU to be put off by friend?

RussianDoll56 · 2022-03-13T21:56:47+00:00

So I have a friend I've known for a good few years. The friendship can be a bit needy on their terms sometimes (always messaging, gets offended if I don't message them, always wants to come round) sort of thing, she's on a few occasions fallen out with me and then tried to blame me for her blanking me. But I'm very much a it is what it is type of person and forgiven her. I see her quite often probably a bit to often than my liking, when I've tried to calm down on her coming round - literately 3-4 nights a week! She gets upset. She's asked to come round this week one evening and as I've not instantly replied agreeing to it. She's posted on social media (my personal pet hate - SM is for memes!) about not having any friends to hang out with and it's taking a toil on her and she feels alone in friendships. AIBU to be annoyed by this petty behaviour? I feel as if she's trying to guilt trip me - and im to old for this crap to put it bluntly.

Whatsonmymindgrapes · 13/03/2022 22:13

Step back from this, your needs/wants are important to. You don’t want the level of intensity that she wants. That’s ok. Massively step back and out strong boundaries In place. Meeting once a month not at your house etc…

iheartmybeachhut · 13/03/2022 22:15

You're not her friend, you sound like her social worker and she expects you to fix her needs. I'd have to make myself unavaible in your shoes. Too needy.

Catflapkitkat · 13/03/2022 22:20

3-4 times a week is too much for a relationship, let alone a friendship. It's doesn't all have to be on her terms. Talk to her - say once a week (if you can commit to that) the two of you can meet up.
Say you have family, other commitments. Can you can encourage her to widen her social circle.

ManateeFair · 13/03/2022 22:23

She sounds insane tbh. None of what you’re describing sounds like a normal friendship at all. It’s beyond clingy - it’s downright obsessive and personally I think you need to cut her off entirely.

Original poster

RussianDoll56 · 13/03/2022 22:26

I placed boundaries with her last time she started talking to me again and made my excuses saying I was busy, she said she understood but within a few days was back at it again trying to invite herself over.
I don't want to upset her as she clearly has mental health problems but I'm all out of nice ways to say how it is. It's hard for me as well as when she comes over my DC are still awake and interrupts their routines and I have four kids so It's quite difficult!

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iheartmybeachhut · 13/03/2022 22:33

I'd block all contact, she sounds unhinged but that is NOT your problem.

Flickflak · 13/03/2022 22:41

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PinkSyCo · 13/03/2022 23:04

Bloody hell you have 4 kids and she expects you to jump to her attention and reply to her endless texts straight away, and she thinks nothing of coming round and messing up their bedtime routine? She is not only needy, she is totally thoughtless and selfish too. I would back right off from this friendship if I were you.

thepeopleversuswork · 13/03/2022 23:09

This is way over the top.

I've had friends like this in the past as a teenager and young adult but to expect to take this much time from a friend who has kids is really very unreasonable.

You've tolerated this for far too long and quite understandably you feel drained and resentful.

If you feel you can tell her this in a direct way and save the friendship then it might be worth trying. For her own sake she needs to wake up to the fact that this sort of behaviour is massively inappropriate. If not then honestly its probably time to part ways. You are being crushed by this and need to put a stop to it.

Original poster

RussianDoll56 · 14/03/2022 07:53

I keep trying to back off but she lays the guilt on thick, saying I'm her only friend etc. when I'm not she has others who want to do things with her but she ignores them or sits and complains about them to me. such a hard situation!
I'm really not up to dealing with it I'm not sleeping well at the moment and in bed by the time my DC go to bed and I've explained that to her but she does not take the hint. I don't think she reliezes other people have stuff going on in their life's too.

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Aquamarine1029 · 14/03/2022 07:57

Grow a backbone, op. This woman is not your friend. Ditch this clinger and move on with your life.

Branleuse · 14/03/2022 07:58

Id ignore the social media post and the emotional blackmail. Very manipulative.
Tell her she neither seems to recognise when its inconvenient, or even accept it when told outright, and thats not what you want from a friendship. Its far too full on.

FiveShelties · 14/03/2022 07:58

I don't think she CARES if other people have stuff going on in their lives. You really need to stand up for yourself and say 'no' as she is obviously not taking any hints. She is not being a friend to you.

Discodancinggiraffe · 14/03/2022 08:03

If she takes more than she adds to your life I would stop bothering with her.

Ikeptgoing · 14/03/2022 08:07

I'd hide her fb posts
She can complain all she wants but it'll reflect on her as people will know she regularly pops round to you and know how needy she is . Let others volunteer an evening with her if they want to comment on her fb post

Secondly, someone coming round 3-4 nights a week when you've young DC and are tired is ridiculous if you don't want it. So you don't have to buy into her blackmail. Just reply "I'm tired worn out and not up for visitors. I'm sure you understand. It's too much. I'll let you know when I have a free night snd fancy a catch up".

Also when she does turn up, after an hour day "right I have things to organise before I go to bed for DCs, so I'll grab your shoes/coat. Lovely to see you but I'm getting tired. Bye sweetie maybe we can do this again in a couple weeks "

Ikeptgoing · 14/03/2022 08:23

@FiveShelties

I don't think she CARES if other people have stuff going on in their lives. You really need to stand up for yourself and say 'no' as she is obviously not taking any hints. She is not being a friend to you.

This is insightful

OP you are worrying about your friends feelings more than your own sanity! She's wearing you down using you as free therapy and the friendship isn't equal.

Since she cares so little for your feelings you need to know it's ok to take a step back, from a job she's created for you. If it impacts negatively on you, it will impact negatively on your DCs and you tell yourself by declining her instance at coming round that you are putting DCs first.

Its ok to ignore constant texts and reply after a few days or week "sorry just seen your texts - been too busy with everything going on - let's have a catch up when I'm not so busy in a few weeks"

AngelinaFibres · 14/03/2022 08:28

@RussianDoll56

I keep trying to back off but she lays the guilt on thick, saying I'm her only friend etc. when I'm not she has others who want to do things with her but she ignores them or sits and complains about them to me.

such a hard situation! I'm really not up to dealing with it I'm not sleeping well at the moment and in bed by the time my DC go to bed and I've explained that to her but she does not take the hint. I don't think she reliezes other people have stuff going on in their life's too.

My SILs sister is like this. She is driving SIL mad with her neediness. She genuinely doesn't have any friends because her behaviour has driven them all away. She is a drama queen, chaotic and sees herself as the victim in everything that has happened to her. Your friend sounds very similar. You may have to go tough love. If she texts and wants to come round say a firm no. If she comes round despite this then make sure the door is locked and you are busy with the children upstairs. When she texts repeat that now is not convenient and you will not be opening the door.Repeat and repeat

Piggy666 · 14/03/2022 08:32

Block her
On everything
Take control of the situation
She's a leech and will soon move on to someone else

lemongreentea · 14/03/2022 08:39

I've had friends like this who are clingy and make out they didnt have any other friends or options for socialising. turns out that means they have pissed off all their other friends who have had enough of the weird and clingy behaviour.

keep suggesting she finds a therapist to talk to as you are not qualified and dont want to make things worse by saying the wrong thing AND you dont have the emotional bandwidth to listen as you have too much to deal with already.

people like this are thickskinned and keep going until they get their own way.

Member984815 · 14/03/2022 08:40

I could have written this , the messenger pings used to give me anxiety. I took a huge step back but its not easy. The manipulation is so bad . I have peace now and I won't invite the chaos back in . Or so i keep telling myself

billy1966 · 14/03/2022 08:45

Is she more important than your children?

Because you are behaving as if she is more important than them.

You are letting your children down by allowing this woman push herself into your home.

Fall out with her and be done with it.

You need to do the right thing by your children and that is NOT allowing this woman to use you and push herself into your home.

How exactly do you imagine you are going to protect 4 children if you can't even stop one awful woman pushing herself on to your family and home.

You desperately need to learn boundaries and assertiveness.

Block her number.
Don't answer the door.
End this non friendship.

Put your family first.

sweetbellyhigh · 14/03/2022 08:45

@ManateeFair

She sounds insane tbh. None of what you’re describing sounds like a normal friendship at all. It’s beyond clingy - it’s downright obsessive and personally I think you need to cut her off entirely.

Insane? No.

She sounds very needy and you need to set and maintain boundaries.

WomanStanleyWoman · 14/03/2022 08:49

This is only going to get worse. You have to take a tougher approach. You can’t let YOUR mental health suffer for the sake of hers.

I've had friends like this who are clingy and make out they didnt have any other friends or options for socialising. turns out that means they have pissed off all their other friends who have had enough of the weird and clingy behaviour.

I would put money on this having happened to your friend too. If she starts the whole ‘But you’re my only friend!’ routine, I’d point out that this won’t change if she’s turning up at your house four times a week and doesn’t make any effort with anyone else.

rebekuh · 14/03/2022 08:51

I don't so this sort of thing lightly but id cull this friendship as it sounds draining

Original poster

RussianDoll56 · 14/03/2022 08:52

I have given boundaries I was very very clear with her last time that I wouldn't be available on the evenings if we were to start talking again and she keeps pushing, so far I've said no it's not suitable I'm with my children and they are still all awake but it doesn't stop her trying.
It does give me anxiety hearing the pings, to the point I've turned off notifications and don't always reply to her unless I have the time and energy to do. My boundaries a lot firmer this time but she doesn't seem to pick up on it at all.

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