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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be put off by friend?

38 replies

RussianDoll56 · 13/03/2022 21:56

So I have a friend I've known for a good few years.
The friendship can be a bit needy on their terms sometimes (always messaging, gets offended if I don't message them, always wants to come round) sort of thing, she's on a few occasions fallen out with me and then tried to blame me for her blanking me. But I'm very much a it is what it is type of person and forgiven her.

I see her quite often probably a bit to often than my liking, when I've tried to calm down on her coming round - literately 3-4 nights a week! She gets upset.

She's asked to come round this week one evening and as I've not instantly replied agreeing to it.
She's posted on social media (my personal pet hate - SM is for memes!) about not having any friends to hang out with and it's taking a toil on her and she feels alone in friendships.

AIBU to be annoyed by this petty behaviour? I feel as if she's trying to guilt trip me - and im to old for this crap to put it bluntly.

OP posts:

CassieMc543 · 14/03/2022 08:57

She sounds like a narcissist OP. I've met people like this before. The give away is being shocked at their behaviour knowing it's something you would never dream of doing yourself. I'd run personally and don't look back as you don't owe her anything.

Cheekymaw · 14/03/2022 08:59

Oh I have a cousin who did this . Used to turn up just as I had got in from work and just getting the kid's dinner ready. PITA . You need to set very firm boundaries. She needs to be told, OP. I ended up having a huge barney with my DC. As pp, your priority is your family ,not her.

myjumperisorange · 14/03/2022 09:07

I used to have a 'friend' like this, luckily we are not involved anymore. We met through work and started hanging out socially but I quickly realised everything was about her, there was always a drama, she always needed attention etc but it was always one sided as she never wanted to offer me support or listen to what was going on in my life. She would constantly message me throughout the night when I was sleeping then get angry at me if I didn't respond til the next morning. Then when I tried to help or offer advice she would throw it back in my face and then like your friend post on facebook things like she has no real friends, her friends are backstabbers etc. It eventually got too much and I just had to say to her I couldn't see her anymore. Such a weight off my shoulders! I don't have a lot of friends or company but I found it was much better to have more alone time than continue the friendship!

CassieMc543 · 14/03/2022 09:07

Narcissists are famous for pushing boundaries and the reason they do it is because they couldn't care less about your needs or feelings. Huge red flag. I'd block asap without warning. Sounds harsh but telling them in advance is a bad idea. Don't warn them. They are crazy making and drive you to dispair

CaMePlaitPas · 14/03/2022 09:09

A good question to ask yourself is "Am I 13 years old?" if the answer is "No" then you need to ditch her.

lemongreentea · 14/03/2022 09:19

well done on enforcing your boundaries. keep going until shes gets gets the message, that wont happen anytime soon though because these types of people always always put their needs first. their loneliness trumps your 4 dcs evening rountine. until she finds someone else to leech on to or you are blunt and a bit rude to her. theres a great book called set boundaries, find peace by nedra glover. shes also on IG.

Lsquiggles · 14/03/2022 09:31

I think you need to be straight to the point otherwise this cycle will never end. "hi friend, 3-4 times a week is too intense for me when I have lots of other things on my plate. I'm happy to see you once a week/on the weekend for a coffee but I can't commit to more than this"

Do you value her friendship and want it to continue? If so, I would personally send the above response. If she doesn't respect your boundaries, which it sounds like historically she hasn't, then I think your only option is to block her and move on, this isn't good for your mental health.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 14/03/2022 09:51

You have told her, but she continues to put you under pressure and guilt trip you. This is not a two way friendship. It would probably be a relief if she fell out with you again. Guilt tripping on social media everytime you say no to her is unacceptable.
Don't worry so much about what others might think of you. Your children are the priority and most people would understand that. So many posts on here about relatives barging in 3 or 4 times a week and no one ever says let them carry on doing it.

Member984815 · 14/03/2022 10:34

@Ikeptgoing you hit the nail on the head, worrying too much about the friends feelings and not thinking of your own sanity is not friendship. Its not healthy. It took me a long time to see that

Ikeptgoing · 14/03/2022 11:56

@RussianDoll56

I have given boundaries I was very very clear with her last time that I wouldn't be available on the evenings if we were to start talking again and she keeps pushing, so far I've said no it's not suitable I'm with my children and they are still all awake but it doesn't stop her trying. It does give me anxiety hearing the pings, to the point I've turned off notifications and don't always reply to her unless I have the time and energy to do. My boundaries a lot firmer this time but she doesn't seem to pick up on it at all.

Good

Silence her texts and don't let the pings interfere in your life. You HAVE to put yourself and your DCs first. Guilt is an emotion that you don't need to feel as you are doing nothing wrong. She is an adult who has other friends and is not your responsibility at your detriment.

You have kind heart and only you can say no. But don't be emotionally bullied please 🙏🏻

cigarettesNalcohol · 14/03/2022 12:00

This sounds like a very unhealthy relationship. If she was 14 I'd say it's fairly normal behaviour from teenagers girls but I'm assuming she's much older from what you've said at the end of your post... I'd tell her how this is making you feel and if she wants to be upset and blank you, then let her. Sounds like it would be doing you a favour tbh. It's not your job to keep her happy and provide company. See her a couple of times a month like you would in a normal friendship and if she doesn't like it, then don't be friends anymore.

Squeezita · 14/03/2022 12:17

This would literally drive me insane. OP, why on earth are you bothering with her? Just phase her out.

Daisydoesnt · 14/03/2022 12:34

I have given boundaries I was very very clear with her last time that I wouldn't be available on the evenings if we were to start talking again and she keeps pushing, so far I've said no it's not suitable I'm with my children and they are still all awake but it doesn't stop her trying.
It does give me anxiety hearing the pings, to the point I've turned off notifications and don't always reply to her unless I have the time and energy to do. My boundaries a lot firmer this time but she doesn't seem to pick up on it at all

I have recently been through something similar OP, and I finally plucked up the courage last month to break off with my "friend". I have a sense of relief, I am so glad that I did it. It's no good just saying, oh can we meet just once a week as people like this are so self-centred they don't care what you think, or want, or feel: before you know it she'll be back to her bad old ways. Be strong, you'll be so relieved and glad you did.

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