Should I agree to moving schools?

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Advice please!

My son is in Year 8 at secondary school.

He enjoys school and generally gets on well.

He chose this school despite being only one of four from his primary school going, he didn’t know the four well as they were in a different class.

He has become part of a group of boys who all went to the same primary school and have been friends since Reception. My son became the 7th member of this group.

This group of boys are all very nice and they generally get on really well.

As this group have been friends since Reception, they are very close as are all of their parents. They spend lots of time together at the weekend as a group of 6 with and without the parents.

This weekend they have all gone swimming and then had a sleepover. My son hasn’t been invited.

I have no issue with him not being invited as that’s life, but he is finding it hard to deal with. When he messages the group, to see if they want to meet, some of them just say they are busy or some don’t reply. He then sees on social media they are altogether doing an activity.

My son will then spend his weekends with a separate group who all go to the same school but a different school to him.

My son, would like to move schools, to be with these other boys.

I’m reluctant to agree.

Reasons:

He absolutely hated the other school when we went to visit.

He’s lucky to have a group of school friends and a group he can be social with out of school.

He can be fickle.

I don’t like the other school.

COVID has meant they haven’t really had an opportunity to get to know each other properly or get to know their peers due to bubbles etc so the original group of 6 haven’t naturally met others or splintered off into other groups.

I have agreed, to phone the school and see if their are spaces and if so, I don’t really want him moving until September.

1. Phone new school, if spaces, let him move from next term.
2. Phone new school, if spaces, let him move from September.
3. Encourage him to stay where he is and broaden his school friendships.

Ultimately he has to go every day so I want him to be happy but I know him as a person and I’m not convinced it’s the best thing to do.

What do you think?

Why don’t you like the other school? If he likes his current school, is doing well and has a group of friends there, moving to a different school so that he can hang out with a different group of friends seems like a big jump. What if he doesn’t get put in any groups with his old friends (entirely possible, new starter get put where there’s space)?

No. He doesn't get to make that choice. And especially not for such a minor issue in the great scheme of things. You chose that school for a reason.

2. Phone new school, if spaces, let him move from September.

This is unlikely to be an option. Normally they expect you to take up a place within a short timeframe e.g. 4 school weeks.

I wouldn't let him move. He's got nice school mates and weekend mates. He's not short of friends.
What if he moves and it's not the panacea he's expecting, will he want to move again?

Yes, I’ve said this to him about the classes/lessons. He says he doesn’t care because he will have a group of friends that actually spend social time with him regularly. I’m not convinced by this and have said, the grass isn’t always greener!

I don’t like the other school as it’s much bigger than his current school, their reputation got managing behaviour isn’t great and the uniform policy is terrible.

I would move him. His happiness is the most important thing and friendships are so important to children

I think he’s actually very, very fortunate to have a wide social circle and although he feels hurt to not be invited in the 6, it’s early days of things being “normal” in a few weeks/months time, it could be different.

It’s the relentless asking to move. It’s starting to annoy me. I’m losing patience.

How do the results compare? I wouldn’t be bothered about uniform or the size of the school. Behaviour is more important.

I would consider it as they don’t sound like great friends if they are leaving him out.

I would try inviting the other boys for sleepovers and stuff to try and strengthen the bonds between them. But give plenty notice.

Have you tried inviting the new friends round / out instead of waiting for an invite?

I'm in the same situation although slightly different circumstances with my DD although similar circumstances to you in that I don't like the school she wants to go to.

I've already started the ball rolling with admissions but I've held off final signature from current school until I've given things time to settle. Current school has a plan in place and we've all agreed to give things a chance. What I do know is however the school he wants to go to will not tell you if there is a place until you go through the transfer process, as apparently applications are happening all the time. They wouldn't even tell me if there is a waiting list. Once you submit the form, IF the new school has a place then the transition is around 3 weeks, so your DS will need to go mid-year and not wait until September.

My only guidance would be, if you're going to do it, do it this year. Y9 they go into their option sets and new friendships will again be formed and these will be harder to break into. So in my case, I've given things 3 week. If they don't settle at current school, the transfer form will go in.

Yes I’ve taken several of them out for the day during weekends and half term. He’s closer to one boy in particular so does spend time with him 121 occasionally. He’s only really invited as a group if it’s something for this particular boy.

Excellent point re: options!

This year's yr 8 have had a real tough time on the friendship front. They didn't get the transition to secondary or the mixing in arrival which shakes up the friendship groups. My dd is just starting to make other friends through Subject groups - and I suspect it will be a whole different game in yr10 when subjects split them. It's hard. I've asked my dd about moving tutor group to be with her friends but she is happy with the separation.

I think I would phone the new school and find out the situation. But it will be a live offer - move now not in Sept unless there is loads of space.

I'd then be decisive. OK you can move. / No you can't shut up about it - go make some new friends.

My dd has groups in and out of school and it works well for her. But she is not a straight forward kid....

Y9 they go into their option sets

No they don't, they choose options in Y9 but go into them in Y10.

Although if you are going to move him, the sooner the better really - I wouldn't wait until Sept, if he is to move I'd arrange if for after Easter, at the start of the summer term.

Some schools do options, or some options end of Y8.

@BankingOnChange

Y9 they go into their option sets

No they don't, they choose options in Y9 but go into them in Y10.

Although if you are going to move him, the sooner the better really - I wouldn't wait until Sept, if he is to move I'd arrange if for after Easter, at the start of the summer term.

At my secondary school they choose options in year 8 and go into groups from year 9 - so it does vary.

I think this is where ideas about friendships differ, your son sees himself as part of his new friendship group but they all hang out together on weekends without him. So to them he is still on the periphery as they have a long standing friendship possibly still facilitated by their parents too. He is a friend within school time.

But he also has another set of friends he sees on the weekend so really he has the best of both worlds. If he wanted to see those friends on a weekday why isn't he?

I wouldn't want him to move schools, you chose it for a reason, remember what those reasons are. Plus he isn't unhappy in school but on weekends when he doesn't see those friends but he does see other friends.

@BankingOnChange

Y9 they go into their option sets

No they don't, they choose options in Y9 but go into them in Y10.

Although if you are going to move him, the sooner the better really - I wouldn't wait until Sept, if he is to move I'd arrange if for after Easter, at the start of the summer term.

OP. Some schools do a 3 year GCSE so choose in y8 and start in y9. Other schools just do the standard 2 year GCSE for options, though may still start something like science at some point in y9.

Both of mine chose options in year 8, started all the new option subjects in year 9. The neighbouring school allows you to drop some subjects but continue with others through year 9 before choosing your final ones for year 10. Depends on the school. Both of mine started GCSE content in year 9.

@BankingOnChange perhaps not where you're located, but we had the options evening last week and decisions have to be made by the end of March to start sets in September.

I would contact the school tomorrow about spaces. We are also a school where options are picked in year 8 and started in year 9 and they have afternoons where they can try subjects that they've never studied before like psychology.

I'm not sure he'll be socially sorted if he moves but happy socially makes a big difference to motivation with regards to moving school. Make sure your son understands that he can't move back when he realises that the grass isn't greener and he can't change schools until year 12.

I'd ask for him to move to a different class/side of the year next academic year

Can you also remind him why he didn't like it when he visited? He may have conveniently forgotten little details like school 2 does rugby or doesn't have X as a choice for GCSE.

Social things can ‘turn on a dime’, so I wouldn’t move schools in the hope of having the same friends at school/out of school.

For example, DS old friends might not respond to him joining them at school in the ways DS envisages. The new group could ‘splinter’.