Should I agree to moving schools?

[Christmaswindows]

Advice please!

My son is in Year 8 at secondary school.

He enjoys school and generally gets on well.

He chose this school despite being only one of four from his primary school going, he didn’t know the four well as they were in a different class.

He has become part of a group of boys who all went to the same primary school and have been friends since Reception. My son became the 7th member of this group.

This group of boys are all very nice and they generally get on really well.

As this group have been friends since Reception, they are very close as are all of their parents. They spend lots of time together at the weekend as a group of 6 with and without the parents.

This weekend they have all gone swimming and then had a sleepover. My son hasn’t been invited.

I have no issue with him not being invited as that’s life, but he is finding it hard to deal with. When he messages the group, to see if they want to meet, some of them just say they are busy or some don’t reply. He then sees on social media they are altogether doing an activity.

My son will then spend his weekends with a separate group who all go to the same school but a different school to him.

My son, would like to move schools, to be with these other boys.

I’m reluctant to agree.

Reasons:

He absolutely hated the other school when we went to visit.

He’s lucky to have a group of school friends and a group he can be social with out of school.

He can be fickle.

I don’t like the other school.

COVID has meant they haven’t really had an opportunity to get to know each other properly or get to know their peers due to bubbles etc so the original group of 6 haven’t naturally met others or splintered off into other groups.

I have agreed, to phone the school and see if their are spaces and if so, I don’t really want him moving until September.

1. Phone new school, if spaces, let him move from next term.
2. Phone new school, if spaces, let him move from September.
3. Encourage him to stay where he is and broaden his school friendships.

Ultimately he has to go every day so I want him to be happy but I know him as a person and I’m not convinced it’s the best thing to do.

What do you think?

The thing is, it doesn't mean his weekend friends will be his friends in school iyswim. There will be a different dynamic. My best mates lived by me and went to the local school. I had friends by yr 10 in high school, and did the odd thing outside school with them.

I would suggest he's lucky to have 2groups to flit between. It's not a bad place to be. Ds is finding that the kids he went up with are making new friends and leaving him out, but he hasn't made any new ones either. I've wondered about moving him, but it might just be the way he is.

I had school friends, and then my out of school friends were a completely different group. There were 6 of us and we all came from different schools but had a hobby we all shared. I think it did me the world of good keeping things separate and it meant I didn’t have to keep up appearances all the time. I could do things at the weekend that wouldn’t get talked about at school.

Friend groups can change so quick so I would say keep him where he is, especially if the other school is not very good.

Mine has made friends close to where we live doing different afterschool activities. Might be an idea

I don’t know they can’t be that good friends if they’re not inviting him out with them- I can see why he’s hurt. Sounds like you’ve made an effort too. If results are ok in the new school then I’d move.

They're obviously good friends within school, which shouldn't be knocked. I think a lot of the problem is that it's harder for parents to start including the child whose parents they don't know - and of course the parents may be less aware than you are that there is a seventh child in the group now. They're doing what is easy and that they're used to. My daughter went up as part of a threesome, who are still close. They used to be the "go to"s for doing things together at weekends, and it just took a little longer before other kids became as natural a choice (and of course the new friends don't live as near, so transport is needed).

Try to issue more invites, I think. They're at that difficult age of moving to making their own arrangements, but perhaps something more organised would give the excuse to get you and parents in direct contact. eg he texts saying "would you like to come to - my mum can drive us, here's her number so yours can get in touch".

We had a birthday party (movie and ice cream parlour at our house), and invited parents to come early for pick up and have some ice cream in the kitchen. It was a great chance to meet other parents - and actually, if they can see that the party is just their six plus your son, they might realise that he needs to be included in their invites. You can always say when chatting how lucky he is to have got to know their sons and join their little crowd - he'd love to spend more time with them out of school too.

He’s just come downstairs full of more tales of woe….

I understand where he’s coming from.

I can see his point of view BUT he is fickle! So fickle! Next week he could be complaining about something else on top of this!

He’s so lucky to have a school social circle and other friends to hang out with should he wish too.

He’s hurt he’s not invited and not in the go to 6, that’s ok, he can feel hurt, upset, jealous, but these people have been friends since they were 4! It’s going to take time, more time than before because of COVID. He hasn’t done a full school year since Year 5!

Technically, although Year 8, he only been free to roam since January. It’s not long enough.

In Year 9 there is always a huge friendship shift as well.

The more I listen to him moaning the more I think I should say absolutely not. You are not moving.

The parents of these 6 are all really good friends….. I know 4 out of the 6, but I don’t hang out with them or anything.

I really think it’s habit and nothing malicious or that they dislike him. They walk to and from school together and play games online.

On further investigating, some of these boys aren’t actually interested in going out unless it’s a group activity with parents. Some aren’t really allowed out unless to the local park which is minutes away from our houses.

I would make an effort again, invite them to yours, including parents. But don't completely dismiss his feelings because he's in a better school. Being an outsider and lonely at school can have long term confidence issues. If he'd be happier in the other school, it would be a better fit for him.

It’s quite unusual I think for kids in Year 8 to still have their social lives revolve around their parents and parents’ friends. Kids in primary are often friends with the kids of whoever their parents have bonded with. But that will change and as you’ve said the usual and natural dilution of those groups was disrupted by the pandemic.

For in-year transfers in our area, once you have started the process and been offered a place, you have to take up that place within 3 weeks. There’s no way they would allow you to wait until September.

As time moves on friendships may well reshape and change, especially as the boys move further away from their parents involvement. There is no way I would move him especially as you say he is fickle!

If you want him to stay, contact the parents you do know, arrange to meet for dinner/coffee/whatever. You can help him build stronger bonds by doing the same.