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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Visiting seriously ill baby

40 replies

Dotty08 · 13/03/2022 00:35

Hello,
My baby girl had open heart surgery 8 weeks ago and is now mostly recovered. She is stable but still seriously ill and will need more open heart surgery in the coming months.
She’s been in and out of hospital the majority of her short life. When first out of hospital we had some visitors but because of how sick she’s been and with covid and other viruses about we’ve not been able to see people.
Some of her medical team have advised isolating is best and others say it’s down to us.
My mum and step dad have also been isolating so that they can see DD.
My mother and father in law on the other hand are out at the pub, theatre, on holiday abroad etc., yet still expect to see DD and make me feel as though I am being very unreasonable not allowing this.
AIBU not letting them? It’s getting very uncomfortable now.
I don’t see that we can isolate forever but then I don’t know that I’ll feel ok letting people who are being careless near my baby. They’ve never bothered with Covid restrictions, masks etc. And they seem ignorant to how unwell DD really is. Their attitude is it will be ok.. they take no interest in her care and needs. I’ve tried to explain her condition and they don’t care.
It’s not just Covid we have to worry about it’s colds, flus and any virus really.
What would you do in my position?

OP posts:
Ffsmakeitstop · 13/03/2022 00:46

So glad your baby is recovering. Yadnbu to keep them away, their feelings are nothing in comparison to your child's health. I hope your DH is supportive on this issue Flowers

Aquamarine1029 · 13/03/2022 00:51

I'd be telling your husband to tell his parents to fuck off. There is no way in the world I would put my baby at risk because of these idiots. It's time to lay down the law, and their reaction isn't your problem.

Tellmeagain · 13/03/2022 00:52

Congratulations on your little girl, she sounds amazing. I would do everything you and your husband believe is best to keep her safe at this stage and would have no shame about that. In your position I would ask my husband to really make clear the facts of the situation and what is needed ie any isolating, masks around baby etc for them to be able to safely visit. If they have the information but choose not to follow it, they are making the choice and you shouldn't be made to feel guilty.

Sarah13xx · 13/03/2022 00:53

I think we have the same in-laws! They can see past nothing other than I want to hold the baby, let me hold it now! Mine were even asked to leave him in his moses basket to sleep once and answered me back repeatedly about how they wanted to hold him, like the world revolves around them and my child’s need for sleep isn’t in the slightest bit important 🤦🏼‍♀️ My partner never stands up to them either, they make no effort then show up at really inconvenient times expecting you to drop everything so they can kid on to be the best grandparents ever to then vanish again. I think you need to stand your ground on this one. My baby had to health issues when he was born and I was still really cautious. I feel like most people are kind of ‘over it’ now with covid but I saw a girl out with her pram the other day and it had a covid screen basically over the opening of the pram and a massive sign saying ‘your germs are too big for me please don’t touch’ so clearly some people are still taking it seriously! I’d say give your partner the job of delivering the news and make it very clear that they are only able to see the baby at a distance unless they’re isolating due to the risks while she’s so small

alexdgr8 · 13/03/2022 00:54

i would keep them as far away as possible from this precious and irreplaceable child.
their attitude to you is completely unimportant.
pay no heed to it.
they are not interested in her welfare, or in anything beyond their own immediate pleasures.
ignore them.
and all the best for your child's continued recovery.

mrsmacmc · 13/03/2022 00:55

Not unreasonable at all OP, you've been advised by her clinicians that isolating is a good measure for now. I'm glad to hear she is stable ❤️‍🩹 DH needs to tell his parents this stressing that it's advice from clinicians 💐

My IL's are similar with their attitude about COVID 💕

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 13/03/2022 01:05

I would be using very harsh language with them @Dotty08 I don't blame you at all.

My baby has literally had open heart surgery. I expect every precaution to be taken to keep her safe and well, and if you won't, then you can't see her.

Well I'd expect your husband to say that to them and be very strict about it.

I hope baby continues to go from strength to strength Flowers

sarahtalkstoomuch · 13/03/2022 01:21

Absolutely not being unreasonable in the slightest. Hope your baby continues to thrive

BookFiend4Life · 13/03/2022 01:26

I would say fuck them. And if my baby had had open heart surgery I think I would say it to their faces. Their selfishness is disgusting.

Zapx · 13/03/2022 01:39

Prioritise your baby. You can mend the relationship when she's stronger. Flowers

oakleaffy · 13/03/2022 02:14

No way on Earth would I let ANY non~isolating person see a baby who is that vulnerable to infection.

Big
Fat
No.

Just not worth it.

I remember a case a few years ago of someone with a cold sore kissing a baby, and the baby becoming gravely ill.

Don't allow them to visit, unless they are being very careful indeed by isolating.

Best of luck to your Daughter :)

Jellybellywellysmelly · 13/03/2022 02:22

So sorry you are going through this. It’s right that you want to protect your baby and the in laws should support this. Tell your husband to talk to them and set some rules that you’ve both agree on. If they wont adhere to them then they don’t see the baby.
Flowers I know what it’s like to see your baby go through heart surgery and all the trauma around it.

Knittinglikemad · 13/03/2022 02:25

Congratulations on your baby girl, don’t let anyone near your little girl that aren’t wanting to put safe guards in place. My granddaughter was born during the pandemic & has some medical issues, was in neo-natel for a while & then in & out of hospital. I didn’t meet her till she was almost 3mths old just to keep her safe & even when I plan to go I avoid the other grandchildren ( you know how kids pick up germs at nursery etc) to make sure I don’t take anything with me, plus I always do lateral flows & wear a mask while I am there, I have only held her once just to keep her safe, as a sniffle to someone is unfortunately life threatening to her. So stand your ground, she is your priority & I am sorry but if they won’t put some simple precautions in place, they don’t deserve to meet her.

Kirstyr455 · 13/03/2022 02:33

My brother and his wife had a baby girl 7 weeks ago no complications, they caught covid and the baby ended up in hospital terribly unwell. Its not worth the risk. Any virus or illness can be serious in a baby. You are doing the right thing.

Weatherwax13 · 13/03/2022 02:49

YANBU. I'd be keeping as many people as possible away till my baby was completely well and strong. Non negotiable. Anyone that argued, I would assume to be either extremely stupid or selfish.
Hope your baby will be fit as a fiddle OP. It must be a really worrying time Flowers

BuanoKubiamVej · 13/03/2022 05:19

Yanbu at all, but managing this situation is your DH"s job, and he needs to be assertively and fiercely protective of his child and place the importance of that over any sense of obligation or guilt that might be part of his relationship with his parents. It is time for him to step up. It is not atvall melodramatic to say that his parents attitude could endanger your baby. They need to get the message loud and clear from him that this is not just @Dotty08 being overprotective. This is both parents of a vulnerable baby putting the health and wellbeing of their baby well above the feelings of a couple of older grownups who are perfectly capable of helping protect that baby by following sensible steps to reduce the risk of infection but they are choosing not to. All of this needs to be focused as a confrontation between your DH's paternal ferocity vs his parents dangerois irresponsibility. Do not let him blame you for the situation with any sentences along the lines of "@Dotty08 doesn't want..."

Scottishskifun · 13/03/2022 05:32

You need a serious chat with your husband that he needs to explain to his parents that unless they are willing to spend a week isolating then it's too great a risk and that's on advice of medical teams and they also do lft and send through the pics beforehand.

It's simple, they either value wanting to hold their grandchild enough to do it or they don't but its not on you to feel guilty about their life choices your protecting your baby.

There is nothing wrong with them living their life with holidays, theatre etc. But it's them knowing the boundaries of what they need to do in order to see their grandchild. I'm afraid with omicron unless a FFP2 grade then masks are pretty useless anyway.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 13/03/2022 05:34

Your DH needs to explain to them in very simple terms that she has no immune system, she is extremely ill and vulnerable and if they want to see her, they need to respect your wishes. End of.

Pumpfive · 13/03/2022 05:56

YANBU at all. Could you ask them to isolate for a few days before and take LF's? It's hard if they work in busy places though. But noone owns the right to hold a baby, especially a poorly baby

amylou8 · 13/03/2022 06:14

YANBU. We've massively overreacted to covid on a population level, but for a minority people, your daughter included, it's a genuine risk. Of course you need to protect her from people that don't/won't understand that risk.

Lemonsandlemonade · 13/03/2022 06:27

Aww OP congratulations on your little girl. Not Unreasonable at all.

Could a health person involve in your daughters care really hone in on the dangers of Covid to your DD to DH so he gets the message and deals with his parents.

TurkeyRoastvBubbleandSqueek · 13/03/2022 06:39

I'm afraid that I wouldn't trust them now if they said that they have been isolating. As they haven't understood or believed the necessity to isolate before now, and as they don't seem to understand or believe how serious your poor Daughter's condition is, then I think it is highly likely that they will only pay lip service to it now, and tell you they are isolating just so they can see their Grandchild. However, I do hope that I am wrong, as it is awful to think that a small child's close relatives could be so selfish and manipulative.

GoodnessTruthBeauty · 13/03/2022 06:41

Our second child was diagnosed with cancer at 8 months and had chemo for more than a year. She wasn't allowed to go anywhere or be exposed to anyone except family. Any visitors had to stay well away. She is 18 now 5'9" and at uni in great health.
Just tell them that noone is getting close unless they isolate.
Your baby comes first every time.

Iwonder08 · 13/03/2022 06:46

OP, this is the first post re isolation where the poster is entirely reasonable. In your shoes, with the baby being ill and post surgery I wouldn't let anyone anywhere near her. It is not covid, it is all various other infections and viruses I would be worried about.

Marvellousmadness · 13/03/2022 07:02

Let your parents see your baby through the window. But I would do the same even with the isolated parents tbh. Just to be extra cautious