To decline all hen do’s?

[Yogipineapple123]

I am a good earner but not as much as my friends. I can afford one or two holidays a year. I pay pretty expensive London rent and am saving for a house deposit.

Going on hen dos would mean giving up a holiday, scrimping on other things throughout the year, or getting into debt despite my good earnings. I would feel irresponsible because I’d think my spending on frivolous fun things was outstripping my sensible savings.

I don’t want to offend friends by not going to their hen, but have been stressing for a while so now I’m wondering if a decisive blanket policy is the best way to avoid stress and offence. I’d rather be generous with a wedding gift and able to splash the cash at their weddings than worrying about money at both.

AIBU to decide I just won’t ever go to a weekend away hen do?

I guess it depends how you'd feel if your friends didn't come on your hen do?

I think that’s fine if you’re upfront about it. But also if/when you have a hen do (appreciate you might not be into it though) they might not be keen to come to that.

I think they’ve gone over the top. A night out / day out, fine. A weekend away??!! Nah. No need

Totally fine. Hens are completely over rated in my mind now!

You could soften it by saying you can’t do overnight hen dos and instead offer to take the bride out for lunch to celebrate her upcoming wedding.

Yanbu

Why do they all have to be weekends away or abroad. It used to be a night out in a club. It's so bloody cheeky expecting people to give up annual leave and pay hundreds

How many have you got coming up?

I’ve been to bloody loads of hen dos and I’d go to a meal but not an overnight or abroad one anymore. I’m also declining further bridesmaiding.

YANBU. I'm lucky that all my friends have had traditional hen nights rather than weekends. All of us are too broke for those.

I don't think anyone should feel coerced to spend their money any way they don't want to. A blanket no to all hen parties is hard to argue. You'll only get into hot water if you suddenly decide you want to go to one or two. And obviously just be mindful people will be reluctant to attend yours in year to come (even of you had a small low key affair; I can imagine the specifics being forgotten whereas people will remember just that you didn't attend).

Good point that people probably won’t attend my hen do in return! I am single so it won’t be on the cards for a long time, but I wouldn’t want a weekend away.

This sounds like an amazing idea. However, I would just decline all hen dos knowing that that's my approach rather than tell people it's a blanket policy. You can still respond to the individual circumstances around each invitation and make people feel valued without actually needing to go on the hen do.

I think it is a reasonable decision, and as long as you accept you won't have one, fair enough.

I would hope you would extend that to baby showers as well when they come along.

I would go to local ones, but decline anything involving an overnight stay! That rules out the majority 😁

It’s fine. Just say you are saving for a house etc and can’t do big dos.

I haven’t been to a hen do in years. I just don’t like them. They are my idea of hell and I am very honest with friends when invited. To be fair all of my friends have been really decent about when I tell them but none of my friends have been bridezillas so have always been really fair about their plans.

But on the other side if I ever get married I certainly wouldn’t want any big hen do so would not be upset with anyone who couldn’t or didn’t want to attend.

I think in these situations honesty is always the best policy. If people choose to be upset about it then that is down to them.

Yes. They are generally pants

I didn't have one and have never been to one

It's not all your life, eventually they will end

Yanbu

People need to stop thinking they can spend their friends’ money for them.

@Momicrone

It's not all your life, eventually they will end

So OP should make herself skint?

YANBU. I’ve been on the receiving end of stick for not being able to afford my best friends hen do and honestly it’s awful. They’ve got so out of hand.

I would decide on an individual basis depending on how much I liked the person and what the hen actually involved.

@Strawmite

YANBU. I’ve been on the receiving end of stick for not being able to afford my best friends hen do and honestly it’s awful. They’ve got so out of hand.

I wonder how they’ve ended up getting so out of hand! My theory is that the bride herself is rarely behind it - it’s friends wanting to give her a special treat who end up going overboard.

@NinjaQueen

I would decide on an individual basis depending on how much I liked the person and what the hen actually involved.

I like the people very much but that doesn’t change my bank balance sadly!

I think day trip is fine, overnight for a close friend in the UK. Never have I been on a holiday hen do, never intend to.