To decline all hen do’s?

[Yogipineapple123]

I am a good earner but not as much as my friends. I can afford one or two holidays a year. I pay pretty expensive London rent and am saving for a house deposit.

Going on hen dos would mean giving up a holiday, scrimping on other things throughout the year, or getting into debt despite my good earnings. I would feel irresponsible because I’d think my spending on frivolous fun things was outstripping my sensible savings.

I don’t want to offend friends by not going to their hen, but have been stressing for a while so now I’m wondering if a decisive blanket policy is the best way to avoid stress and offence. I’d rather be generous with a wedding gift and able to splash the cash at their weddings than worrying about money at both.

AIBU to decide I just won’t ever go to a weekend away hen do?

I'd enjoy the period of hen dos, weddings , christenings while you can it really is a short space of time and then it all stops. Saying that I would only go abroad for a sibling or best friend, a weekend in uk would only be close family/friends. Anyone else I would only go if it's a local do.

Just say you can’t make it, when they come up, send a bottle of wine to the bride’s hotel instead on the hen do evening. You don’t owe anyone an explanation

YANBU. Most of my close friends kept it fairly low key (and they happened about 15 years ago!) but I’ve been invited to two weekend ones, one in the UK and one abroad, and I said no to both.

Both the brides are lovely but I don’t know most of their other friends and I actively hate the kind of activities that were being planned. I would literally have been sacrificing a holiday with my DP in order to spend the money on having a terrible time instead. Obviously I didn’t put it quite like that when I explained that I couldn’t come - but both brides know I’m not into clubbing etc and don’t have a lot of spare cash, and they weren’t offended at all.

@Yogipineapple123 I know it’s so sad. And then there’s this perception that your best mates will ‘make the effort’- is happily travel, share a bunk bed whatever but I can’t magic up more cash no matter how much effort I make. When you’re in a different headspace/financial position for whatever reason I think it can be really hard for people to see the others POV and wedding planning can take over peoples lives and make them become quite self involved for that period of time. I’m sure I was the same pre wedding although never had a crazy hen!

@sausagerole

This sounds like an amazing idea. However, I would just decline all hen dos knowing that that's my approach rather than tell people it's a blanket policy. You can still respond to the individual circumstances around each invitation and make people feel valued without actually needing to go on the hen do.

This.

Don't tell anyone "I don't do hen dos". Just make up an excuse each time.

"Oh, it's my mum's 70th birthday celebration that weekend, what a shame."

"I'd love to but unfortunately my friend Sarah is getting married that day."

Just make sure you keep track of what you've said and to whom.

Obviously this works best if your friends aren't all the same group who all go on each other's hen do and will notice if you don't go to any of them.

If they do a doodle poll to see who is available on which dates, wait until everyone else has filled it in and then only be available on dates lots of other people can't do.

I have done the same. I’m entirely uninterested in hen weekends.

I also think there must be something missing in my brain because I didn’t care who could come to mine (had some last min cancellations) and I organised it myself (one afternoon/evening local to where we live which was less than £50 each).

DH is going in a stag for FIVE days this year to a European city. Obviously this includes week days so people will need to book days off work and everything. He’s going as it’s a good friend and he can afford it, but honestly my reaction was WTF, who on earth assumes people are happy to give up that much time and money for their bloody hen/stag do?