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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel bit off after my DP’s behaviour after my moment?

40 replies

HannahJP3 · 12/03/2022 11:54

I’m struggling with quite a lot of things in my life. I’m genuinely struggling and feeling really guilty about it but would love some support from my DP. I do self harm (in a very mild way, it’s nothing noticeable) to soothe myself and usually I feel a bit better after but guilty and pitiful at the same time.

The other day I got tipped over the edge and lost the plot and done something in front of my partner. He was a bit shocked and I felt immediately so ashamed I wanted the ground to crack open and swallow me up. It took me a little while to calm down and I hid in the bathroom. Eventually my partner came up asked if I was okay but didn’t say anything else. We went to bed and talked a bit after I initiated. It’s very hard to talk to him, he doesn’t share a lot with me and really bad at communicating.
I apologised to him for what I did and we talked but I was just getting worked up and asked him why he doesn’t care about me… he insists he cares but he is just not good at talking and planning and all that.

He is very on and off with me. Sometimes he cares and I feel like we are having a great time and sometimes he is proper distant with me. We have been in a long term relationship (don’t want to give much away here but it’s been 5+ years) but we don’t talk about the future.
I don’t want him ‘to carry my baggage’ but I some support would be so lovely.
I just don’t know… am I expecting too much?
I just don’t know what to do… I’m so lonely and sad all the time and I tell him this and nothing. I don’t have any friends or family I could ask for help… I literally have no one else. And I feel so incredibly guilty because perhaps I am putting to much pressure on him, on our relationship?

OP posts:

PeacefulPrune · 12/03/2022 11:56

Well what did you do infront of your partner?

It sounds like you need to focus on yourself to improve your mental health weather you continue with the relationship or not. No one and no relationship can get you out of depression or anxiety.

FairyCakeWings · 12/03/2022 11:57

What exactly is it that you’d like him to do or say?

It sounds like he genuinely doesn’t know what he’s supposed to do or say, but that doesn’t mean that he doesn’t care.

Chichimcgee · 12/03/2022 11:59

Honestly if you were my partner I’d not have a clue what to say or do.
He could well be feeling that you don’t care enough to stop self harming or aren’t happy with him, you definitely need to get help and professional support

ohhooh · 12/03/2022 12:02

Echoing PP, what do you actually want from him? Can you articulate specifics?

If he doesn't share / isn't great at communicating, and hasn't been for so many years, it's likely that's his personality and there to stay.

If my partner self harmed in front of me, then shut themselves in a bathroom, then during a conversation turned it on my asking why I didn't care about them - I'd genuinely struggle to know what to say or do and would probably back off to not make things worse.

Do you wonder if your partner doesn't want to burden you with their worries / issues, when you're not dealing with your own well?

If you're lonely and sad all of the time something definitely needs to change OP, it's not fair on you.

AnotherSillawithanS · 12/03/2022 12:02

You need professional help and your partner can't give you this.

Get professional help.

TheHoleNineYards · 12/03/2022 12:03

You have two separate issues here.

self harming.
your relationship.

You’re clearly in a vulnerable place at the moment and can’t deal with ‘2’ until ‘1’ is under control. See your GP. Get help.

PinkSyCo · 12/03/2022 12:04

Your partner is probably overwhelmed and confused and doesn’t know what to say or do. Are you under the doctor for depression? On any meds? Having counselling?

Original poster

HannahJP3 · 12/03/2022 12:06

Thanks everyone, I don’t know how to tag folks in comments so I’m just going to to a general big reply.

I don’t know what I expect him to do. I don’t know if should or should not except him to do anything. Feeling very clueless and unsure and just constant guilt. I don’t want him to do or except him to do anything but I could do with some support which I totally appreciate that is hard to give because how the hell is he supposed to know what to do in this situation… I can imagine that it’s just as difficult to live with someone like me as being someone like me.
I am just lost at it and don’t know how to get myself out of this situation.
I will try to steer off it and stop thinking about what perhaps he should or shouldn’t do and focus on how I’m approaching my situation.

OP posts:

ikeepseeingit · 12/03/2022 12:08

Your partner doesn’t have the tools to fix your self harm, they’re probably quiet as they don’t want to make you spiral by saying the wrong thing. They obviously still care, but it sounds like he’s overwhelmed. It’s not your fault OP, but you need to go to the GP and explain what’s going on x

steff13 · 12/03/2022 12:08

If you're self-harming, you need help from a professional.

LittleOwl153 · 12/03/2022 12:13

When I was a student we were told by the mh team of a fellow student who we picked up from hospital after she self harmed to not discuss the self harm, and not to give her excuses nit to carry on normal life. To leave the unpicking to the professionals.

Clearly with a partner this is a different place - but I would say your partner needs to talk with you and your mh professional the best way of supporting you. Don't expect him to deal with it alone. It may not look much to you but to someone to whom this is new it is a big deal. And whilst you keep doing it and nit seeking help I would not want to commit to a future with you...

SallyWD · 12/03/2022 12:19

If my partner self harmed in front of me then locked himself in the bathroom I really would be lost for words. I would have no idea what to say or how to help. You seem to want something from your partner that he can't give. You need professional help with your problems. I don't think it's fair to look for a particular reaction from your partner. He probably doesn't understand why you're self harming or what he can do.

BronwenFrideswide · 12/03/2022 12:22

@HannahJP3

Thanks everyone, I don’t know how to tag folks in comments so I’m just going to to a general big reply.

You've answered your own questions here - you don't know what you expect him to do, you expect support from him but don't know what that support should be and accept that neither does he. You are lost and so is he, you need professional help, he could also benefit from some outside support and advice whilst you are getting professional help.

However, I note you said in your first post that he doesn't share things with you and is very bad at communicating, is he? Or is he just a private/different personality type to you that doesn't talk about feelings, etc., in depth? You may just be two completely opposite personality types and what you want and expect is not what he would want or expect if the situation were reversed.

Original poster

HannahJP3 · 12/03/2022 12:30

Thanks LittleOwl153 for sharing that. It’s really interesting and makes sense. I can imagine that for someone trying to help someone else’s mental health issues can be very difficult and draining. I don’t know how to ask the GP for help. Do you just call up and ask for an appointment? I am already tearing up just thinking about it… I am so ashamed of this all, I don’t know how I would talk to this to anyone I don’t know.

OP posts:

WonderfulYou · 12/03/2022 12:32

There’s nothing much he can do to support you.
These are your issues not his.
It’s not fair to guilt him into staying with you by saying things like he doesn’t care when he’s shown you he has.

It sounds like you need to be single and work on yourself right now.
As if you’re not happy in yourself you can never be truly happy in a relationship.

Take a break from each other, move out, get some help and then see about restarting things in a few months time.

ImprobablePuffin · 12/03/2022 12:37

OP in all honesty, it's up to you to sort out your MH. I suffer horribly from severe depression and I'm lucky that when I'm physically incapable of much my DH picks up all the slack but I don't expect him to take on all my issues - he can't do anything about it and isn't a professional therapist.

Weatherwax13 · 12/03/2022 12:40

You're having mental health issues. That's nothing to be ashamed of. And yes, ring and make a GP appointment. They will have seen this before and will refer you for help.
Your boyfriend is probably really scared. It's horrible and frightening when you encounter someone selfharming, trust me.
And you can't try to make him feel responsible for fixing you. It's not fair as he just can't.
He can't understand what's going on. Doesn't mean he doesn't care. He may be walking on eggshells as he's no idea how to deal with your problems.
The GP will get you into therapy and you will learn how to take care of yourself. You're not a hopeless case, honestly.

Fabricedesauveterre · 12/03/2022 12:43

@HannahJP3
You can call the GP and ask the receptionist for an appt for your mental health. You don’t have to give any more details that that other than it’s a mental health issue, I don’t feel comfortable discussing it on the phone.
When you get the appt practise saying “I’ve booked an appt because I’m self harming and want some help”. The GP will likely ask you some questions and hopefully make a referral. Good luck.

DoubleGauze · 12/03/2022 12:47

If somebody harmed themselves infront of me I'd probably become distant too op , I'd also feel angry.

Please get some appropriate help and stop expecting him to read your mind.

Good luck.

TabithaTittlemouse · 12/03/2022 12:53

You don’t need to be ashamed. Please make an appointment with your gp, you could write down what you are feeling and give your gp your letter.
It’s a massive step but it’s so important to get help.

I would imagine that your partner is scared and confused. Maybe worried about saying or doing the wrong thing.

TravellingFrom · 12/03/2022 12:53

I’m so lonely and sad all the time and I tell him this and nothing.

He doesn’t care about you. It’s nit normal to feel lonely in a good, caring relationship. Even when the guy ‘can’t talk/doesn’t know what to say’.

I’d even go further and say that the root cause of your self harming might well be your relationship.
Or it might be something else. Or it might be both.

I say ‘put yourself first and foremost’. Look after yourself, starting with going to see your GP and having counselling. Go private if need be.
In the mean time, don’t expect him to make your MH better.
But do expect him to treat you with care, like any other partner would. Not knowing what to say when you see your partner self harming is one thing. Not even. Asking if they are OK or what they could do to help is another. Because some times, just holding someone is enough to make a difference.

BronwenFrideswide · 12/03/2022 12:54

I am already tearing up just thinking about it… I am so ashamed of this all, I don’t know how I would talk to this to anyone I don’t know.

Please don't be ashamed @HannahJP3, you've nothing to feel ashamed about. Your mental health is as much a part of you and your body as anything physical and you wouldn't be ashamed of any physical health issue regarding your body would you?

Please, please make the call to the GP and be firm that you need professional help.

TravellingFrom · 12/03/2022 12:56

@LittleOwl153 I can understand the not talking about the self harm. Tbh it’s a hard thing to talk about if you don’t know anything about it.

But that doesn’t mean you can’t care for that person and show it to them. It doesn’t mean you can’t ask them how they are or if they need anything. Or what sort of support they would like. It doesn’t mean you are not checking up on them.

Hankunamatata · 12/03/2022 12:59

I'm unsure what you want from him. He came to ask if you were ok so gave you the opening to talk. I'd be stunned if my partner self harmed infront of me. Much of this strikes me as being about you and your mental health and not about him. He cant save you or probably even make it better. You need to seek help from gp asap

LittleOwl153 · 12/03/2022 13:06

@TravellingFrom tbf it was a good while ago now and things may have changed. But I think her mh professionals felt it was attention seeking behaviour and thusbto ignore it and carry on usual interation was the best policy. Essentially we made sure one of us saw her everyday but they made it clear that 'pandering' to her would not help.

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