To feel bit off after my DP’s behaviour after my moment?

[HannahJP3]

I’m struggling with quite a lot of things in my life. I’m genuinely struggling and feeling really guilty about it but would love some support from my DP. I do self harm (in a very mild way, it’s nothing noticeable) to soothe myself and usually I feel a bit better after but guilty and pitiful at the same time.

The other day I got tipped over the edge and lost the plot and done something in front of my partner. He was a bit shocked and I felt immediately so ashamed I wanted the ground to crack open and swallow me up. It took me a little while to calm down and I hid in the bathroom. Eventually my partner came up asked if I was okay but didn’t say anything else. We went to bed and talked a bit after I initiated. It’s very hard to talk to him, he doesn’t share a lot with me and really bad at communicating.
I apologised to him for what I did and we talked but I was just getting worked up and asked him why he doesn’t care about me… he insists he cares but he is just not good at talking and planning and all that.

He is very on and off with me. Sometimes he cares and I feel like we are having a great time and sometimes he is proper distant with me. We have been in a long term relationship (don’t want to give much away here but it’s been 5+ years) but we don’t talk about the future.
I don’t want him ‘to carry my baggage’ but I some support would be so lovely.
I just don’t know… am I expecting too much?
I just don’t know what to do… I’m so lonely and sad all the time and I tell him this and nothing. I don’t have any friends or family I could ask for help… I literally have no one else. And I feel so incredibly guilty because perhaps I am putting to much pressure on him, on our relationship?

Sorry but if you’re self harming it’s not down to your partner to carry this mental load too. Whatever you did in front of him wouldn’t have been nice to see. Get help from a professional.

You need professional help, the way you are living your life and not managing your issues/condition/stresses and mental health mean that ultimately you partner is in an emotionally abusive relationship. You cannot rely on him to such an extent, it isn't fair or healthy, or sustainable, your own good health and recovery is your responsibility not his. You might benefit from joint counselling aswell but this is on you. It is beyond the scope of most normal relationship boundaries to support someone who self harms in front of you. Get some treatment, good luck, to both of you. What are you doing to help yourself, actively seeking treatment and a positive route towards recovery, or are you laying it all at his fee expressing always that you feel he doesn't give you enough support?

Your partner cannot fix this- not only because it’s not his issue to fix but because he does not have the tools. Seeing your partner self-harm in front of you is quite a shock- and possibly quite frightening. He may even be angry that you would do that, or even might feel that you were trying to manipulate him (not saying you were),

Or maybe the truth is that he genuinely does not know what to say and/or is scared to say anything in case it makes things worse for you. If he is not a particularly communicative type (and there is nothing wrong in not being someone who finds it easy to talk about feelings), this is even more likely to be the case. It doesn’t necessarily mean he does not care, but it may mean you are not compatible in the longer term if you want or need a partner who is very emotionally available and open.

I will say the following as the ex-partner of someone with mental health issues- whilst it is absolutely true that it’s awful for the person suffering, it is not necessarily easier for those around them. Especially if, as you say, they are the only ones there to support you.

I knew it was over when the phrases “if you could only do x” or “if only you would be more sympathetic/talk to me/show me you care it would make everything so much easier/I would be better/I would be ok” started. The truth was that nothing I could do or say was going to make his mental health problems go away or improve them. He needed professional support and treatment and all that was happening is I was the emotional crutch they used to keep things in some semblance of coping. He wasn’t actually coping, of course, and I was being asked to bend myself in knots to try and pretend that they were and it was somehow my being emotionally distant/unavailable or not supportive which caused the issue. Truthfully, it was not my problem to fix- that was all on him- and I couldn’t have fixed him even if I had wanted to.

In the end I didn’t stay long as it was clear that he was not going to seek help whilst I was there to prop him up. I didn’t want to be his emotional crutch (and one whose own wellbeing was becoming irrelevant to him) or to continue to be manipulated (though I get that his behaviour was not coming from a malicious source, more a from an misplaced attempt at self-preservation). He got worse before he got better but with the appropriate support he did eventually get back on his feet from what i have heard from his family.

So, OP, what I think you need to do is to make an appointment with your GP and tell them about your low mood/anxiety and that you are self-harming. I imagine they will refer you to the mental health team and may suggest starting medication.

Op if my dp self harmed in front of me I would scared, confused, angry, concerned and a whole host of other things.

He came and checked you were OK and when you did talk, you got wound up and put the onus on him to prove he cares.

If he can't meet your emotional needs on a day to day basis the relationship isn't working for you. Most people would struggle in this situation. Someone who you feel isn't meeting your basic emotional needs in the relationship in day to day ways, definitely won't know what to do in this situation.

Even the most supportive wouldn't know. You need help. And I think you need out of this relationship, for both your sakes, at least for now

OP, at our GP you can fill out an online form for mh support, and then the GP will phone to talk it throughwith you. I know that made it easier for DP to actually get started.

Op - everyone’s brain is wired differently. It’s great you are recognising your behaviour is linked to a desire to self soothe. You just need some professional advice on the next steps. Trust me gps have heard it all! So please don’t feel embarrassed it’s great you are seeking help. Also if you have healthy minds in your area you don’t need a go referral you can self refer. Just google healthy minds.
Speaking from personal experience it’s almost impossible to help someone else with their mental health. My thoughts are you are not too sure how to self soothe in a healthy way, you are looking to your partner to solve your problem and then feeling disappointed he is not solving it for you. But this does need to come from you. A kind therapist wisely said to me once - my parents had not known how to self soothe so were not able to teach me - and I therefore could not teach my children. Don’t beat yourself to because you did not learn this skill as a child - it’s not too late to learn it now. Good luck.

@TravellingFrom

I’m so lonely and sad all the time and I tell him this and nothing.

He doesn’t care about you. It’s nit normal to feel lonely in a good, caring relationship. Even when the guy ‘can’t talk/doesn’t know what to say’.

I’d even go further and say that the root cause of your self harming might well be your relationship.
Or it might be something else. Or it might be both.

I say ‘put yourself first and foremost’. Look after yourself, starting with going to see your GP and having counselling. Go private if need be.
In the mean time, don’t expect him to make your MH better.
But do expect him to treat you with care, like any other partner would. Not knowing what to say when you see your partner self harming is one thing. Not even. Asking if they are OK or what they could do to help is another. Because some times, just holding someone is enough to make a difference.

That’s quite an assumption you’ve made there. This poor man has spent 5 years in a relationship with a woman with severe mental health issues, who self harms in front on him, refuses to seek outside help, and expects him to wave a magic wand and make her all better. Despite her literally saying herself she doesn’t have a clue what he could actually do to help

This post is too vague

All I can say is that you can’t expect your partner to magically know how to support you when you’re going through a mental health crisis, he’s not medically trained to help you and know what he should do/not do. I mean, you don’t even know how to help yourself and you’re the one going through it. Ultimately you wouldn’t expect him to know what to do if you broke a leg or some other physical ailment as he isn’t medically trained, you need to apply the same logic to mental health concerns. You need medical help for this and it’s a bit unfair to expect him to carry that burden

When I used to self harm OH took it very personally. In his eyes it was his fault and failure. In his eyes ,He wasn't making me happy enough to avoid it even though my issues most of the time barely had anything to do with him. In fact he was one of the few good things in my life. He still reacted/did the wrong thing . He eventually understood that it wasn't about him and that helped a bit, but it didn't really make a difference until I put the work in and got better.

Just saying that your partner might feel the same guilt and shame you do, but from the other side.

If you cannot explain what you want him to do, the type of support you want, what you would like him to say how can you then expect him to get it right? How do you want him to react?

He is not the person you need, op. This relationship is making your mental health issues worse.

OP, I’m not going to engage with the other comments on this thread because there’s obvious truth there that you need to get some kind of help.
I’m someone who self-harmed over the years. Most recently last year. I’m approaching 50.
The trigger on almost every instance - for me- was men. Not always when I was young but definitely once I got to 24. And the death of my daughter but I don’t want to go into my specific details.
There’s no point beating yourself up.
There’s no point trying to fight it out yourself.
I’m on antidepressants for almost 3 years now, have regular counselling and most recently a lot of EMDR.
They all helped but it was the EMDR that stopped me self-harming.
Got me there wasn’t a specific “cause”. There might be an event. Often I’d be so upset, usually angry, and drink alcohol and then get more and more angry..
But not always- sometimes it was to snap out of a deadness or from frustration with my long term relationship being toxic (let’s leave the details there).
I actually get what u you mean by wanting him to say something: if self-harm is to self-sooth, then even if he just said this has to stop, let’s try a, b or c then it’d be something.
And yes yes it’s not his responsibility but it’d be nice/helpful.
Get the help yourself OP. See where it takes you

Sorry I have spelling errors in there - hope you can understand.
By no specific cause I mean at the time of self-harm. Sexual assault and abuse was the cause (the most recent event being about 3 years ago and it’s taken 3 years and a LOT of therapy to feel together again

@TravellingFrom

I’m so lonely and sad all the time and I tell him this and nothing.

He doesn’t care about you. It’s nit normal to feel lonely in a good, caring relationship. Even when the guy ‘can’t talk/doesn’t know what to say’.

I’d even go further and say that the root cause of your self harming might well be your relationship.
Or it might be something else. Or it might be both.

I say ‘put yourself first and foremost’. Look after yourself, starting with going to see your GP and having counselling. Go private if need be.
In the mean time, don’t expect him to make your MH better.
But do expect him to treat you with care, like any other partner would. Not knowing what to say when you see your partner self harming is one thing. Not even. Asking if they are OK or what they could do to help is another. Because some times, just holding someone is enough to make a difference.

That's absolute horse shit. If the OP has MH issues she could feel lonely no matter what the state of her relationship and that's a disgusting leap to insinuate the husband could be at fault.

The OP needs professional help, that's the only relevant takeaway from this thread.

Hi.

I could have written this myself about my previous relationship. I totally get it.

It's so difficult to explain what you need, because sometimes you don't 'need' anything, just comfort/love/support/stability and understanding. I think most humans who say they love you are able to do that (sadly not in my case!) ... You say he's very on/off, speaking from experience that will 100% make you feel worse. Not knowing where you stand when you're already in a vulnerable situation is really harmful. They don't realise the profound affect that has.

Whatever mental health issues you're dealing with, there are people who just can't deal with it (my ex told me countless times he wasn't able to) and that just made me feel so guilty for being ME! He resented me and was quite mean throughout our time together.

We didn't live together but I recall trying to open up to him about my feeling suicidal and his reaction was that he was going to keep his kids away from me in case I was suicidal around them, like WTF suicidal people don't want to do it in front on anyone, let alone minors!From that moment I rarely told him how I was feeling.

As hard as it may seem, I would take a break from the relationship and seek help (whether it be meds/therapy), cause why you're feeling all this uncertainty from your partner you'll never get well, it will just compound what you're already feeling.